Tonight. We save the entire world. We test a fat spaniel from Jaguar. And we annoy France's second best racing driver.
“July 19th, 2009” · Season 13, Episode 5
In this episode: Jeremy Clarkson (9), Richard Hammond (4), James May (4)
[on The Stig]
Some say, he has twelve GCSEs, all in Domestic Science. And that he has been producing artificial sperm for years. Even though we have repeatedly asked him not to. All we know is, he's called The Stig.
[on the Morris Marina that James is driving] I'll guarantee that nothing exciting, vibrant, dynamic, new, creative, hopeful or beneficial in any way to humanity has ever been done, thought of or driven to in that drab, dreary, entirely beige, wilfully awful pile of misery.
Oh come on its not that bad... it's well equipped. Course it isn't well equipped really - its got one dial. But its tastefully upholstered. Of course it isn't tastefully upholstered really - it's brown. But the seats are velour and look how nicely it's worn!
[During the discussion on the new Jaguar XJ]
Come on! Nobody gives a pig's arse about all that diesel stuff. (Crowd Laughs) It's the new XJ; the important question is “Is it a proper Jag?”
Now what you mean is “Is this car slightly caddish?” Is that what you actually mean?
(nods) Yes.
Is the person who drives it a bit... um, what's the word? Im not quite sure how to sum it up, but it's the sort of person who would go away for a weekend with his wife to a hotel, to some romantic place, and spends the entire night... flirting outrageusly with the waitress. And it's okay because he's got a “Jaaaaag.”
(Everyone laughs)
That's the Jag driver; he'd get away with anything! (Changes tone) I'm terribly sorry, I ran over your dog. (Whimpers) ...in my “Jaaaaag.”
(Crowd laughs)
Is it fair to say? Do you think that no “Jaaaaag” driver is ever entirely trustworthy, but it's in a really nice likeable way?
Yes! If you would go to a prison, forget the sort of "stabbists", and you know the stranglers. The ones who are in there for a bit of Tax Dodging...
(Richard Laughs)
Yeah.
I bet eighty percent have got “Jaaaaags.” (Crowd laughs) You know what I mean now?
(Turns to someone in the audience)
You got a Jag? Who here's got a Jag? (Stands up then points at someone who responded) You got a Jag? Look at him!
(Audience laughs)
Yup, he's a Jag driver.
He goes away with a sort of girl for a weekend, and then goes... “Awfully sorry...”
... bit of an issue with the wallet.
“Would you mind awfully settling this while I go warm up the “Jaaaaag?”
[During the discussion on the Honda FR-V]
That's, actually, that's not the worst bit about those, those six-seater cars, because it could be worse if you had your wife in the front, and both daughters, and you sat in the back.
[sympathetically] Ohh.
No, but you do see that occasionally. You see the mother in the front, and then, and then there's a bloke sitting in the back seat.
On his own.
It's tragic.
There's nothing more pitiable.
Pathetic.
It's the most pitiable sight you can see.
She's effectively saying, "You've given me the baby, now get in the back."
[nodding] Yeah.
[stares at James for a moment, then bursts out laughing]
[realizes what he said, points at the camera]... No.
Uh, that... concludes the news, OK? [looks at James and bursts out laughing again, this time taking Richard with him]
We have had some problems with the Morris Marina Owners' Club--
Problems!? They've declared a fatwa on us!
[During the Braking test] COCK! [he then crashes into his own piano]
[During the Val Thorens race, Jeremy's windscreen has been coated with snow...]
[panicking] I CAN'T SEE A BLOODY THING!! [accidentally pulls off glove while steering] AAGH, pulled my own glove off!
[During the Val Thorens race...]
[Voiceover] Olivier Panis found the Morris particularly annoying.
[Cuts to Panis]
PPanis
What is this shitbox?! What is this car? A Morris?
Ten minutes later, we roared into the first corner [Jeremy, James and Richard creep slowly into view]
[almost crashing into James May's Marina at the Val Thorens race] DON'T HIT HIM!! Morris extremists will come if I hit him!
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