James May quotes from Top Gear

Jeremy

ARGGGGGH! [Sneaks to the front to avoid the monkeys roaming above him on the roof]

James

Hey you got to stay there after you mocked me!

Jeremy

Uh... it's on fire.

Richard

What?! It can't be on fire! [He looks] It's on fire.

Jeremy

It's on fire. Just run. Just run.

Jeremy

The thing is, we managed to set fire to something that's basically made of water!

Richard

How did you do that? Did you see the owner of the car wash afterwards?

Jeremy

He was...

Richard

Cross. Very cross.

James

He was especially cross when I rang him up and asked if we could have our three pounds fifty back.

James

Look at this. [...] It is called the "quickstart". You stick it in your cigarette lighter when you are driving in France and when you turn the car on in the morning its little electronic voice reminds you to drive on the right.

Richard

That might be useful if you are a bit thick

James

[...] Actually, it is a complete waste of £ 9,99. When you get up in the morning, all your luggage has been stolen from the boot and your car's just a burnt out shell, you'll know you're in France anyway.

Richard

Just stop talking now.

James

I don't like the clock.

Richard

Save it!

James

To test for speed, they'd have to give the driver a Hoover.

Richard

Eh?

James

You know when you're at a big party, at the end of it everybody's asleep, the bloke who's on speed is always hoovering.

Jeremy

The rock and roll years, with James May!

James

Now, look at this. A bloke stole a Mercedes McLaren SLR, which is one of the fastest cars in the world. We have to agree it's on the top of our board, but it was fitted with one of those tracker devices. They caught him after 40 minutes, d'you know how far he'd gone in that time?

James

12 miles!

Richard

What was he doing?

Jeremy

That's the least ambitious thief in the world.

James

That's an average speed of 18 miles per hour.

Richard

Why did he nick it?

James

I dunno, but I'd like to appeal to him, if he's been let out by the home secretary, which he almost certainly has been...[Laughter and applause] ...if you'd like to steal a motor vehicle and travel around the place at 18 miles per hour, could you nick my Honda 90?

Jeremy

Hamster! How it's going?

Richard

Very well, thank you, very well indeed!

Jeremy

What are you doing? What've you got?

Richard

Err, it's, it's pretty... I don't wanna tell you, really, but it's pretty... sleek, um, as a road-going vehicle; as a boat I think it's gonna be a winner.

Jeremy

I bet it's a Lotus Esprit, isn't it?

Richard

Well, it's a monocoque [screws up face]. Um, so it, it has sort of sporting... pretensions.

Jeremy

And what're you going in terms of propulsion?

Richard

Uh, well, now, the, the, the, the... lot of power. I'm gonna... I'm gonna fully utilise the onboard power.

Jeremy

[voiceover] Hammond was keeping his cards close to his chest.

James

Hello?

Jeremy

May.

James

Clarkson.

Jeremy

Have you heard the Hamster?

James

Well, yeah, I did, but I can't get much out of him. He's now saying his car is rear-engined, but not a 911. I think he's bought an Hillman Imp and he's making a submarine.

Richard

Did you want tea or coffee?

James

Tea, please mate.

James

The only thing I keep in my car is a little paintbrush for cleaning dust out of the switches.

Richard

You're scaring me, mate...

James

And I always like to have the air vents lined up so they're really completely symmetrical.

Richard

Stop talking now!

James

And if anybody moves them... I get really angry.

Richard

(to Jeremy) Does genuinely scare me.

Richard

Sixty miles an hour!

James

[tripping stopwatch] Thirty-five point four seconds!

Richard

D'you know what? This is rubbish.

James

Terrible.

Jeremy

This is the safest car ever made.

Richard

I've got a scar!

James

Oh I've got bruised balls and a very badly barked cock.

Jeremy

The brilliance of this car is that you're never really going fast enough to properly hurt yourself.

Richard

You're never really going fast enough to get where you're going in it!

James

Sixty miles an hour, what was it? Thirty-five seconds.

Jeremy

How safe's that?!

Richard

Have you ever - have you ever been in a dining room doing sixty miles an hour?

James

Do you want me to show you what it's like to be smacked on the head with a wingback chair?

Jeremy

Look, the problem is taste, OK? If you [Richard] made a car to look like the inside of your house, it would have a horse in it. And you [James], your house is just full of pictures of the Queen!

James

OK, here we are with the sitting down news, which comes from Subaru who are arranging a series of track days for £250. You can go the Prodrive test track and thrash around in an Impreza or one of those bigger one whose name is - um -

Legacy.

James

Legacy, that's the one! Um, there's only a few conditions: you have to be eighteen years or over, you have to have had a full driving license for over a year... ooh, and you have to be between 5 foot 2 and 6 foot 7, so that's you two out. Excellent. [Laughter]

Jeremy

That's "heightist" frankly.

Richard

Yeah, that's "heightist."

James

I can't think of a better recommendation actually.

Jeremy

What?

Richard

Us not being able to do it?

James

Exactly, I'll be going, I'll see you there.

Jeremy

Listen, but Uma Thurman's got big hands, you're not going to say "get out of my house," are you?

James

Yes.

Richard

Because she's got big hands?

James

I don't like girls with big hands.

Jeremy

Why don't you like girls with big hands?

James

Well it just looks wrong, doesn't it? You get a woman with big hands that goes, "Hi James, I'm Uma!'" [exaggerates big hand movements]

Richard

You would look such a spanner in that!

James

No I wouldn't!

Richard

Yes you would, because you'd be sticking up above up with your big floppy hair like a spaniel. Never, ever, ever, ever buy a car which you are taller than, when you're sitting in it, than it is long. You'll look like Noddy with bad hair!