A character in Top Gear
Played by James May
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Top Gear: in 559 of its 1,774 quotes
Most scenes with: Jeremy Clarkson (323), Richard Hammond (261)
Chaps.
JamesYes?
There's a list of essential accessories.
JamesOk, let's see if we've got them.
Step?
No.
Water container?
No.
Mains hook up lead?
No.
Leisure battery?
No.
Gas cylinders?
No.
Towing mirrors?
YES!
We could be gypsies.
James, the car is weaving about.
It's not--this is not natural.
JamesReally alarming!
[voiceover] So, we consulted the caravan handbook.
[quoting the handbook] "When a swaying caravan starts to dictate the direction of travel, you have a snake."
No, you have a crash!
Exactly! [quoting] "Try to keep it in the straight ahead position, and allow the outfit to slow down gradually." [commenting] And that's not true! You put your foot down, don't you?
Power out of it. Always!
JamesYeah!
Power out!
Yes, if in doubt, give it more power.
[holding up the handbook] This is wrong!
JamesThis car feels really odd.
James, it--what's a Kia C--
Thingy.
Soprano, Sudoku... It's not a good car.
JamesDo you know what's behind us?
What?
JamesHorse box.
What, we're holding up a horse box?
Ah, now that's payback. I like that. I'll write him a message. [He picks up the keypad for an LED messageboard bought at the service station] Serves... You... ["Serves you right!" appears on the screen at the back of the caravan]
[After Richard is "abducted" by an elderly fan in a neighbouring caravan]
JamesWhat's Hammond doing with the dog?
The dog went in with him.
JamesReally?
Him and the dog and the biggish woman are in a caravan.
[peeking in the caravan after they park up] Ohh... [seeing shattered dishes on the floor] Oh no.
Ooh!
JamesOh, dear.
[laughing] Oh, my word. Wha...
[the caravan tips back as they all enter]
Woah!
Oh my God!
JamesYou've got to put the legs down first.
We're not brilliant at this are we?
[examining the tiny berth Jeremy has to sleep in]
JamesThat's not a bed, is it?
[laughing] There is no way you are gonna make it through the night!
I have worked my fingers to the bone for this!
JamesWhat a reward!
You can't sleep on that, Jeremy. It's gonna go, and then you'll break your back in the middle of the night... and that'll wake everybody!
You two are sleeping in a double bed! I'm gonna ring "The Daily Mail" immediately!
Can I just say guys, I've got a king sized bed at home.
I like it.
JamesI like it. It's nice... it's homey.
No, I'm alright with caravanning!
[A train is heard in the distance]
Oh good, a train!
Nice, that's nice.
Listen. How often is that gonna happen all night?
JamesIt's alright. It's romantic.
Don't say things like that! I'm on the same bed as you!
[Jeremy is reading a Thai cookery book, planning lunch]
James, you know that shop you went to this morning? Did it have any raw prawns?
JamesNo.
Coconut milk?
JamesNo.
Green curry paste?
JamesNo.
Coriander leaves? Snake beans?
JamesIt had some potatoes.
Oh, well I'd do chips then.
[he then causes a pan fire which then burns down their, and the adjoining, caravan]
Oh God. Uh, Richard!
What?
Richard, have you got a fire extinguisher?
No. Why?
[outside] How do you put a pan fire out?
JamesTea towel in water.
[inside, the cabinets are shown burning] Richard, are there any water?
No, I used it all on my hair.
Guys, it is no longer a pan fire, it's a van fire.
[in the studio, talking about their caravan holiday]
Okay, you two gave it your best shot. You tried to like it. Did you?
No, absolutely not.
JamesI would like it, I think, if I were on my own.
Do you seriously think you're gonna be welcomed in ANY campsite after that?
[voiceover] So we weren't looking forward to our holiday and if I'm honest we weren't enjoying the journey that much either.
JamesWe've done fifty-two miles.
That's it?
JamesYeah.
We've been on the road for three and a quarter hours and you've done fifty-two miles? You had my hand up.
JamesNo, you put your hand next to the gear stick, I've got to change gear.
There's no way...
[interrupting] STOP FIGHTING IN THE FRONT! We've got a long way to go!
[voiceover] It was getting claustrophobic in the Kia, but because we were caravanning, we could do what caravanners do: pull over at the side of the road and have a spot of lunch. [cut to the trio eating lunch at the side of the motorway]
[sarcastically] Tell you what, this is peaceful!
[to Jeremy] Pork pie?
What?
PORK PIE!
[During the news]
But if you think about this, the Chinese, they say they're gonna be investing ten million pounds in Longbridge, yeah? Well... that's a lot of money, if you're gonna spend it on sweets. But I've done some research on this, seriously, Mercedes spend ten million pounds on research alone... every single day! So where's that gonna go?
Well, exactly, no - and they end up with cars that you might want to buy. Now, I can't think of anyone I've ever met who thinks, "Yes, my life would be complete if I could buy an eleven-year-old sports car that's made in China and then nailed together by a bunch of blokes in Birmingham."
JamesWhat you're forgetting is the, is the great affection that is felt all over the world for the traditional Blitish sports car.
[In the Caterham race]
JamesDon't hit it with a hammer!
Why?
James...because that's the tool of a pikey!
JamesYou should feel it go stiff now.
Pump, man! Pump! Braking happening?
Oh, yeah, that's much better. That's hard.
JamesHow hard can it be to build a kit car?
Well, as it turns out: very! Because all you did all the way was shout at Jeremy.
And all I wanted to do was stick a screwdriver in the side of his head!
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