A character in Top Gear
Played by James May
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Top Gear: in 559 of its 1,774 quotes
Most scenes with: Jeremy Clarkson (323), Richard Hammond (261)
[How reliable is your car]
JamesHang on, I've just noticed something here. Of the bottom 13 cars, 10 of them are French.
Yea, that's probably why they're burning so many in Paris.
[When asking the audience]
What? A satisfied Mercedes customer? In the immortal words of Basil Fawlty, we ought to have him stuffed.
[following the Porsche Cayman power lap; the car has been disparaged by Jeremy for being made merely to fill a gap between the 911 and Boxster rather than to be as good as possible, and because their Producer has bought one as an "investment"]
And he did it in 1:26.7, so it goes...
[struggling to make a space on the board]
...there. In front of a Corvette.
JamesInteresting that you've made a space actually, because I reckon if you sent Porsche 911 and a Boxster around as well, the 911 would've gone about there [points randomly above the Cayman's time], and the Boxster - I dunno - about there [points about the same distance below the Cayman's time].
Yep, you're exactly right, and I'm just looking at this [points to the Cayman's time], 1:26, that's what it's worth.
James[as a passenger in a life-size radio-controlled car, which Richard is attempting to park in an improvised carport garage lined with cheap porcelain trinkets] He's doing it good. Well done.
[the car advances]
James[into radio] Brake, man! Brake! [the car smashes ornaments on shelves over the bonnet]
Sorry.
[Richard takes down the whole garage as he reverses out]
JamesNO!
Sorry.
[Demonstrating the new Vauxhall Astra VXR remote control car]
OK, it's over there, it's a Vauxhall VXR [car starts to approach them] Here it comes. And if you just watch carefully, you will note that it has now taken off. [car starts to float] It's flying!
JamesIt's floating!
No it's not floating, James. It's flying!
[Audience laughs]
There is a man controlling that! I mean, have you ever seen anything like this in your whole life? That is a ton of Vauxhall flying around the studio over people's heads. I will explain how it works, OK? It weighs about 10lbs, which is about the same as my Sunday joint and it has three little propellers that make it steer and move about.
That's amazing! Is it expensive?
Yes! It costs... five... pounds [Audience laughs] No, I'm joking, it costs £60,000.
Really?
£60,000 and worth every penny. Ladies and gentlemen, the flying Vauxhall. [audience applauds]
[Richard and James observe as Jeremy yet again stops to refuel his notoriously thirsty car at a service station in southern France]
How can he need more?
JamesHave you noticed how his right bicep is now slightly bigger than his left one?
[Richard laughs]
James...have you also noticed that when he fills his car up, he stands like a teapot?
[Richard laughs harder and the camera reveals this to be true - Jeremy has his unoccupied hand on his hip, and his legs crossed]
[Jeremy wanders over]
James, I've run out of money.
JamesHave you... what an interesting predicament.
[quietly] Please can I borrow some money.
I'm not-- we're not bailing you out!
JamesYou want me to pay for your petrol?
Yes!
JamesRight, the nation is observing...
[wandering off] I haven't got any money...
James...while I fund your ridiculous petrol habit.
[after Richard's Dino has been tested against its original output on a rolling road]
Sixty-one Horsepower has escaped; that's how many a year?
JamesThink of it another way, that's a... that's a VW Lupo that has escaped from your engine!
[on the Italian supercar challenge]
[...] Now, next one is the big one, okay - insurance. That's the main problem with cars of this type, okay? We had to go out and get a quote to see how low we could go, and mine was, for the Maserati, 300 pounds.
A year?
Yeah.
For a Maserati?
Yeah.
Don't be ridiculous!
No, you see, the reason is pretty simple: unlike you, I'm a respectable middle-aged man, unlike you, I don't have any points on my license, and it's kept in an alarmed, locked garage in one of the safest parts of the country.
JamesYeah, but hang on a minute though, because you are, what, a journalist and a broadcaster, and I happen to know that those are 2 of the highest rated insurance risks on the book.
Yep, you're exactly right, which is why I told them I was a doctor! [referring to his honorary doctorate in engineering]
I said "I'm an after-dinner speaker." [cue mocking by Jeremy & James]
You see...
I've done two.
James[scoffs] Two hundred.
Anyway, what was your quote?
Well for a big corporate bank, 5 grand. I suppose, for a charity, I'll do it for 3 and a half...
No, what was your insurance quote?
Oh! Grand.. 1000 pounds.
That really includes, presumably, the 800 quid to cover your new expensive teeth.
I have not... had... my teeth whi-- I just haven't!
So... I actually lose... er, that's minus five... that's bad.
Ooh... Lose...! Englebert's going down, with his new teeth!
JamesNow I was honest, and I said - "I'm a journalist, AND a broadcaster..."
And I bet you told them you live in London as well?
JamesYes, that's right - y'know, Single, car parked on the street, live in an area of London that's usually on fire...
So your quote was...
James[dramatic pause for breath] Five thousand pounds! [for which he loses a massive 45 points]
[general laughter and an almost sympathetic bout of one-upmanship by Jeremy recounting a previous quote for £22000 on an Escort Cosworth worth "only" £19000]
Now, I'm dying to know the verdict, but first, something more important... your hat! What were you thinking?! You were like the dog car in Dumb and Dumber [makes a face referring to the hat James was wearing in the 2WD Vs. AWD 911 challenge]
James[leans toward Hammond] Listen! That hat is haute couture in rallying circles.
[Starting off the car vs. plane race]
JamesNow normally when we have these races Jeremy goes in a car and says "POWEEEEEEER" a lot, and Richard and I will go on a ferry, or a train, or an airliner, or whatever. But this time it's slightly different because I've been learning to fly.
So you see, the scene was set, okay? It would be Captain Captain Slow and his Hammond hand luggage in a private plane versus me in a car.
[in May's Cessna 182.]
We've got no bloody forks!
JamesStop whinging about the ruddy in-flight food, man! And don't jig about because we're climbing... We're struggling in a minute...
I am not jigging! How rubbish is this thing if I can't even lift a chocolate bar to my face without it crashing into a mountain?
OK, now it's time to do the ugliest car of the year and the nominations are: the Ssangyong Kyron...
Uugghh...
...the Ssangyong Rodius...
[shouts of disgust from the audience]
...and look at this one, the Ssangyong Musso!
[more shouts from the audience]
That thing really is a Moose, isn't it? So which one has won it? It's the BMW 3 Series!
[On "best noise of the year"]
JamesThat is the sound your spine would make if you could actually hear it tingle.
[heading to Woburn Abbey Safari Park in the convertible Renault Espace]
[to James] Well, let's put it this way: if you were to be locked inside a phone box for half an hour with: a) a monkey, or b) a lion, there you go! What would you go for?
JamesThe lion.
What?
JamesNo, because monkeys, in confined spaces, those Barbary monkeys, they panic and they get really, incredibly violent.
I love the way that James thinks that monkeys are, in some way, the greatest peril that we're facing... in the next hour of our lives.
[At the safari park in their convertible people carrier, watching two lions mate]
[Voiceover] Fortunately, the lions had other things on their minds.
Oh, look what's going on.
JamesOh no, he's...
Oh, that's... lion porn!
What are you doing, man?
What if he tries to do that to us?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
