[During the opening sequence.]
Tonight: I drive the scariest car in the world. James drives the least scary car in the world. And we all drive a car with a monkey on the roof.
“May 7th, 2006” · Season 8, Episode 1
In this episode: Jeremy Clarkson (19), James May (5), Richard Hammond (4)
[on the Stig]
Some say that his ears aren't exactly where you'd expect them to be, and that once, preposterously, he had an affair with John Prescott... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
[Talking about their new dog, Top Gear Dog (TGD), being a Labradoodle (Labrador-Poodle cross)]
Yeah, that makes her a hybrid. We were going to call her "Prius", but that would have been cruel... and she would have eaten a lot more than we were expecting.
[Discussing the bright pink convertible Nissan Micra] It just looks like a scrotum!
[About his Ford GT] The thing is, I think I'm right in saying that I have never completed a single journey, anywhere there and back, in it ever. Which must make it the most unreliable car... ever made. In fact, if you've got a more unreliable one, write to us at "Actually, I've Got a Peugeot" BBC Top Gear, London W12...
[Discussing 20p organic crisps]
You see the thing is this, if you buy those crisps, the 20p goes to the Mexican sewage industry but if you buy petrol, the money goes to the government who spend it letting out foreign prisoners so they can stab people.
[Laughter, Hammond with his head in his hands, large applause]
[on quitting his smoking habit]
In recent weeks, a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.
[cuts to him criticizing a tree in the woods]
It's just completely the wrong colour. [seeing a twig on the ground] Look, a twig, why, why's it there? [picks up the twig] Look at it! [prepares to throw the twig but it snaps under pressure]
[thundering down the road in the Koenigsegg CCX]
Who needs nicotine?!
[Commenting on the Koenigsegg CCX] I think Koenigsegg is Swedish for: "Oh no, my head has just exploded!"
Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?
[About the Koenigsegg CCX]
Oh. And I'll give you a little tip: If you tune this engine to run on environmentally-friendly biofuel, you'll be getting nine hundred brake horsepower. [laughs] Should I get Bill Oddie one of these?
This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases. [Drives past a sign welcoming him to "Piddington"] That says it all, really. "I drive a people carrier... I'm a bit of a Piddington"
[heading to Woburn Abbey Safari Park in the convertible Renault Espace]
[to James] Well, let's put it this way: if you were to be locked inside a phone box for half an hour with: a) a monkey, or b) a lion, there you go! What would you go for?
The lion.
BBoth
What?
No, because monkeys, in confined spaces, those Barbary monkeys, they panic and they get really, incredibly violent.
I love the way that James thinks that monkeys are, in some way, the greatest peril that we're facing... in the next hour of our lives.
[At the safari park in their convertible people carrier, watching two lions mate]
[Voiceover] Fortunately, the lions had other things on their minds.
Oh, look what's going on.
Oh no, he's...
Oh, that's... lion porn!
What are you doing, man?
What if he tries to do that to us?
[on driving the home-made convertible through the monkey enclosure]
ARGGGGGH! [Sneaks to the front to avoid the monkeys roaming above him on the roof]
Hey you got to stay there after you mocked me!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.