[during a news segment]
Have you seen the back seats of the Discovery?
JamesFantastic!
It's worth getting one--well you won't get one 'cos...
[Jeremy spots someone in the audience]
Who have we booked as the guest this week?
Maybe he's not suppose to be on yet.
Is he the guest? That would be something, we'll have some viewers then!
JJesus
At least I'm not too tall for my hair, eh Jeremy?
[on the Italian police's Lamborghini Gallardo]
Yes, but we've been wondering all week, why? Because it is impossible to commit a motoring offence in Italy!
James
I've been stopped by the Italian police.
James
I was doing about 110 in an Aston Martin DB7. I overtook the police car on a left hand bend and he pulled me up at the next lay-by because I'd left the filler flap open at the garage.
It's a style thing is what you're saying.
What? Spoling the lines of the car?
James
He didn't even say anything. He came out and he went up and he went (mimes pushing the filler cap closed with a stern expression). I thought I was going to get a ticket for being unsetting.
[reading] "Each of you must drive your car into a wall at 30 mph. You lose 10 points if you're killed, 5 points for each broken bone, and 1 point for each blood injury."
I'm feeling quite relaxed, actually.
By contrast, with my Rover made entirely of rust, I'm feeling a bit scared. [to May, who is looking unhappy] James, are you all right?
James
Have a crash? On purpose?
I actually took a photograph of these two [Richard and James] just after they'd arrived.
Would you like to see it?
[audience laughs at photo of Richard and James in motorcycling leathers]
Granted, that's not how we looked in our minds.
[singing] It's fun to stay at the YMCA, it's fun to stay at the Y...
James
But that's an illustration of why we don't want to wear crash helmets. You will kill yourself; but at least when they lay you out at your funeral you won't have helmet hair.
I suppose you could all dress up as red Indians and construction workers, that's another option.
James
What you don't know is that we do.
James
Something I've just thought about though is, that car's got an extra five inches in it so that ou get better rear leg room, yeah?
James
Why don't they just make them all that long? Because you don't buy a jag because you want a small car, do you?
(somewhat meekly) Some of us don't need leg room.
Ooh. Just before we do the news, we've had a letter. Got to share it with you... um... Here- pink note paper- all the i's have got little circles on them- ready? Dear Richard...
[very calm thus far] Oh, right.
[reading] Yeah, I watch Top Gear, I think you're the best looking guy on the program.
[frowning] That's hardly an achievement, is it?
You're cool- fair point- [he means that it's hardly an achievement to be the best looking guy, not that Hammond is cool] You're cool, good looking, ace hairstyle, wicked clothes...
She said that? She sounds all right!
Best wishes... that's ah- that's um, Stuart.
[Audience laughs]
It's a modern world, that's all right.
But it gets better, because would you like to know Stuart's address?
The Folkestone Wing, Her Majesty's Prison, Broadmoor.
He's getting out soon and he wants to know-
But he could be watching now! Shut up!
[Raising a hand to shush Hammond] No, listen- 'What did you do with all of the shirts from the last series; can I have them?'
No! No you c- Or wait, yes, I- How long's he gonna be... at that address...? Do we know?
James
Um, it's better than that. Stuart, come on in! [Richard is terrified] No, I'm kidding.
[During the news]
James
[talking about average speed cameras] They are forward-facing, though, right?
Yeah, the cameras that take the picture as you're going towards them, yeah.
James
I approve of those.
James
Because I'm a motorcyclist.
What's that got to do with it?
James
There's no numberplate on the front of a bike.
It's true! It's a fair point. I never thought--why?
James
The thing is, I've been through Northampton on the bike... [gestures as though opening throttle on a motorcycle and holds up two fingers in a V]
Why is there no numberplate?
James
I believe they were actually made illegal in the early 70s.
'Cause they used to be upright on the front mudguard.
James
So if you had a crash, it was like somebody just putting a meat cleaver in your head.
Well, that is one advantage of motorcycling, I will concede, but there is a disadvantage, because, I was talking to a surgeon, just last week, and he was telling me, you know these new bikes that have got a very pronounced fuel tank in front of the saddle?
Yeah, a lot of sports bikes...
Do you know what the most common injury is now, when you've had an accident? Your testes... torn off.
It's a fact! So you can do that [holds up fingers in a V] to a speed camera, but the next thing you know...
[During the £1500 Porsche challenge];
This was a hugely advanced car when it first came out: polyurethane bumpers; first car ever to have passive rear wheel steering... I've always, always... oh my God, I've got steam.
Uh, guys, I've got a lot of steam coming out of the bonnet.
James
Did he say I've got some speed, or I've got some steam?
[voice over] No, it was definitely steam and it was erupting after just two miles.
[Jeremy discovers a leak in his Porsche's cooling system and "fills" it with about 10L of water before giving up, with it gushing from the radiator almost as quickly]
James
Jeremy and Richard have gone off inside to buy an egg, in the hope that we can use that old trick of mixing the egg white into the coolant system and that will find and block...
This, [He shows a chocolate Creme Egg] …this is Hammond's contribution. He's bought himself a chocolate egg.
[During the £1500 Porsche challenge]
What is the next challenge?
James
You've got to spend the change from your £1500 budget...
James
And with it, you've got to improve your car as much as possible and have it judged by an independent adjudicator who is from the Porsche owner's club.
Yeah, so you can spend all of the money from your £1500 that you didn't spend on your car... on your car.
I spent £750 on my car, so I've got £750 to spend on improving it.
James
I spent £900 on my car which gives me £600 to spend in improving it.
So you've got nothing to spend on improving it.
[Jeremy and Richard grumble about James' success in producing a number eleven skidmark off the line with his Porsche]
I've never seen him do anything that lairy!
That is... thirty-one feet.
Don't tell him that. Yeah, you did about four inches, mate. Well done.
James
Give up!
Yeah, that's four inches!
James
That's quite good!
Yeah, no, that was me the other day in a Bentley.
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
