James May quotes from Top Gear

Richard

"Porsche 924 owner"... got it in first... "good looking, mild mannered, snappy dresser, 5'11".."

Jeremy

Whaat?! "Five foot eleven"?

James

"Mild mannered"?

Richard

It's a Lonely Hearts ad! If I put "angry short bloke," I won't get any replies!

Jeremy

So how many replies did you get?

Richard

None...

James

Now, elsewhere in the world, awards are awarded to reward excellence. But here, on the Top Gear awards, we like to award an award that rewards a car that we found particularly unrewarding... in 2... 2004... that's not quite right, is it?

Richard

And the Hyundai Accent, which is wretched, whatever engine it has, but we were particularly depressed with three-cylinder diesel version. It really is less fun than drowning!

Jeremy

(After being presented the Golden Cock award) "I am the Golden Cock!"

James

The last Proton I drove was something called the Impian. It was a very long journey and the car was so awful that - to be honest - I wanted to harm myself. [Commenting on the Proton Gen II]

Jeremy

I drove a manual one of these the other day and I couldn't believe it, it went 1st, 2nd... SEVENTH, 8th and 9th. Now, I know what they're trying to say, look, you got two gears for quick acceleration and three for good fuel economy. But actually, the acceleration wasn't that good and the fuel economy wasn't that good and you have nothing in the middle. This one has an automatic, which makes it, well... worse. There's a very good reason why its cheap, it's crap.

James

What do we want?

Jeremy

A Range Rover!

James

When do we want it?

Richard

As soon as we can arrange easy financing!

Jeremy

[voiceover] Back on the road, it turned out Hammond's BMW wasn't all that healthy either. But, it did give him a new game to play...

Richard

Ooh! Hold on a minute! I've got it! There's a problem with my brake lights. I have "Connect Three."

Jeremy

[as Hammond overtakes him] That doesn't sound good.

James

[voiceover] Ah, but Hammond wasn't going to steal the break-down honours from me! Help. [voiceover] With the others far in front, and out of sight, my wipers packed up.

Jeremy

[voiceover] Meanwhile, the Jag just kept pounding round. The only time it came into the pits was when the Captain's sense of direction broke down.

James

No, I didn't mean to come in, I went the wrong way!

Jeremy

James, look what I just found in Hammond's box. [shows James]

James

[grimacing] Ooh...

Jeremy

They're his publicity pictures! [to camera] Look at that! [flips picture]

James

[mocking] Late-night love...

Jeremy

[mocking, in "smooth" voiceover style] Late-night love on 96.3 Cleveland FM, with Richard Hammond. [flipping through pictures] But look...

James

This is one of thirty radio stations and... [Jeremy finds the picture he's looking for] Oh! [tries unsuccessfully to stifle laughter] Hang on!

Jeremy

I can see why he gets the jobs hosting Crufts. [to camera] Ready, steady... [flips picture to reveal a younger Richard with wavy, shoulder-length hair, resembling a classical musketeer... James manages to splutter "Dogtanian!" before he and Jeremy completely dissolve into laughter.]

Richard

I can't believe we're doing this again.

James

Well I think we really should beat him this time. In fact, I'm going to run.

Jeremy

Can I just say, when we were 50 miles from Oslo we were neck in neck. Okay? Absolutely neck in neck. I made it to Oslo, flew home and was half way through supper before these guys arrivved at the finishing point. That's how badly it went wrong for them!

James

Well, I have to say it wasn't the end, we don't even know what that place was called.

Richard

A town. No idea.

James

No idea.

Richard

Just a place.

James

Freezing cold.

Richard

Yes.

James

Nobody spoke English to us.

Richard

No.

James

And we had no money.

Richard

No! And then there was a cash point and, that was unbelievable, it said 5000 kroner. Well how much is that? Do I buy a pencil sharpener or a car with that? And all I know is that's more than he [May] had because when he asked for that it said insufficient funds available. Which didn't go down well.

James

[On voting for the greatest driving song] Research has shown, that voting for Meatloaf means you are 50% more likely to have no mates.

Jeremy

That is true, actually.

Richard

And the big news this week is Jeremy has been banned from driving for six months. Yes he has! [Audience cheers and applauds] I know! What do we do?

James

I'm really sorry to disappoint you, but I have to point out that it wasn't his local magistrate that banned him, it was his doctor!

Richard

It was and that's why it's taking him so long to get to the stage! [Jeremy slowly approaches the stage] Ooh, you look like you're in pain.

Jeremy

Yes, I am. I have a top speed of one.

Richard

What have you done?

Jeremy

I slipped two discs in my back and they told me not to drive or write. Thank you so much for that! That's kind of what I do!

James

I bet you any money he's come over to tell me he's stumped by that Chrysler.

Jeremy

James? I'm stumped by that Chrysler.

James

It's sort of exciting though, admit it.

Jeremy

It's exciting in the same way as being shot at is exciting.

Jeremy

You do know why James is feeling more sedated than usual?

Richard

Tired, scared?

Jeremy

He's had an operation.

Richard

Where?

Jeremy

[whispers into Richard's ear] On his arse.

Richard

Ooh! That's... gotta hurt!

Jeremy

That's ...why [laughter]

Richard

With the saddle and everything!

James

[voiceover] It's true.

Jeremy

You told me the other day that your bike, whatever it is, sounds like you belching.

James

No, I didn't.

Jeremy

You did!

James

No. What I said was the sound at low revs from the exhausts is like the sound that a burp makes when it's forming [pointing at his stomach] down here...

Jeremy

I don't want to hear a forming burp going past my house on a Sunday afternoon, with someone dressed like a Power Ranger! I don't want that!