[Jeremy is reporting on the Goodwood Festival of Speed, where, as he previously noted, he was waved to by Elle Macpherson]
I went up the hill in the - there's a hill that you basically drive the, all the cars go up - and I went up in the McLaren Mercedes.
Both : [in unison] The SLR.
Yeah. Stunning thing. And?
Well, I was still a bit drunk, so I have - there it is, look - um, I think... I have... I dunno.
JamesSo hang on, it - so you're probably the first UK journalist to get in that car.
James
We've been talking about it for what now, two years, probably?
James
And you went up the hill... drunk... waving at MacPherson Strut or whatever her name is out of the window.
I wasn't driving it, I was slumped in the passenger seat.
James
Oh, well, that's all right, then! Who was driving it?
Can you tell us anything about it?
It made a jolly loud noise in the condition I was in, that was for sure. It sounded like a Messerschmitt had mated with a Spitfire.
To your drunken brain at the time.
[imitates engine noise], only louder than that.
You wouldn't make much of a war correspondent, would you, standing there in war-torn wherever with a desolated landscape, "So, Jeremy, what happened?" "Dunno! Drunk, missed it. Found it like this."
[after James's 5-series film]
Were you... in any way unwell when you recorded that?
James
Well, actually, I did have a really bad dose of the pox.
That explains it. Because anybody whose eyes were working probably would recognize that this is the ugliest thing - it is!
James
It is a superb-looking car.
It's the first car ever where children will be sick before they get in the back.
James
Rubbish.
[...]
James
All right. You are an executive - this is going to take a bit of imagination - you're an executive, OK, and you've got to buy a new car. You're not going to buy that S-Type Jag, are you? It's a great drive but you wouldn't let your kids sit around with their mouths open like that. E-Class Mercedes, now, you've got a Mercedes, how much have you enjoyed it over the summer?
No, I haven't, it's been innnnn the shop the entire time. It goes in broken, it comes back more broken and goes in again. That's pretty much Mercedes ownership these days.
James
Right. So you're not having one of those.
James
You're not having an Audi A6 'cause it's too old.
James
You're not having a Kia Magentis 'cause it's stupid.
James
No you wouldn't.
No, you're right, I wouldn't.
James
And you're not going to have an Alfa 166 because nobody would buy a new one.
James
You, Jeremy Clarkson, you are the European director of photocopying, brackets, toner distribution. [points to the 5-series] You will buy one of these!
I've suddenly decided I don't want to talk to you any more.
James
But on a small hatchback, OK, when you drive one of those and it's a diesel, it says three things about you. One is, you're tighter than two coats of paint. The second is that you care so much about the environment that you want to leave a little protective sooty film over it. And the third one is, you're probably French.
I've suddenly remembered why I don't like talking to you.
Isn't the Isle of Man just amazing?
It's fabulous! It's like someone's gone out and designed Top Gear Fantasy Island specially for us!
James
Oh, if the Isle of Man was this great, I'd be absolutely blown away by the Isle of Woman.
Yes, the kippers were good --
Yes, but there's no speed limits here, James! "Ooh I know, but the kippers!"
James
I'd rather the pussy cat than the kipper.
James
The reason the Porsche, I think, is the best car is, you know when you drive some cars, you get a, a sense that the car is smiling, when you're driving?
What on Earth are you talking about?
[on the Jaguar R-D6 concept car]
James
But the bit I really like is the inside. Have a look at this. Now have a look at that black leather and all those shiny bits, and those red lights down in the footwell. Now clearly a Jaguar designer got completely lashed at a vodka bar and thought, [in drunken voice] "Uhh, I'll make it look like thish then." So obviously there'll be a bouncer on the door, telling you you can't come in 'cause you've got trainers on.
It's a gorgeous-looking thing, I think it's fab. But here's the thing I don't get about Jaguar concept cars. Two years ago, about then, they showed us XK180, and there it is, that was to show us what Jaguars of the future will look like. But then last year, they did the R Coupé, to show us what Jaguars of the future will look like. And now they're back again with this, to show us what Jaguars of the future will look like.
James
Now look, Jaguar. You have made your point. Just make the car.
[Announcing the result of the Hilux torture test]
All of which makes it more of a shame that in the end you killed it with fire.
James
That was churlish.
Well, that's the thing. You probably won't believe this, ladies and gentlemen. I want a huge round of applause, IT IS STILL WORKING!
[back in the studio after the tuner film]
That makes me feel very sad, that.
James
Why?
Well, I just wish that we'd had flexing and winding when we were kids, 'cause I love this whole modifying scene, I think it's brilliant.
James
Mm. We did have cruising, though.
I know, but that meant going to a gentlemen's lavatory, and that's... [dismissive gesture]
[in the studio, after the film showing the Hilux falling with the roof of an imploding tower block]
Now, we've seen that it started.
James
Yeah, it did start.
James
I can hardly believe this myself - ladies and gentlemen, here it is!
[horribly battered but still moving under its own power, the Hilux enters the studio]
It's the Enemy of the State Award, the person who's done the most to harm the cause of the petrolhead these last 12 months. Gentlemen, the nominations.
The Chief Constable of North Wales, Richard Brunstrom, for his resolutely unpopular anti-motorist stance.
James
There are no more nominations.
[During the News Segment. Hammond has just mentioned the new mini. He is wearing a bright red shirt.]
Whoa, what are the noises for? Do you like it?
AAudience (Including James)
No!
Heck, I do, Actually, I think that looks great! [silence] Maybe it's the shirt?
How much is it going to cost?
It's going to cost... well, they'll generally be about £2500 more than the equivalent hard top. So the Cooper S, the Supercharged version of that, £17 500, £15 500 for the coupe. About £13 500 I think for the mini one.
James
That's horrible.
Well, yeah, but the mini- it's not a cheap small car. It's an expensive small car. And I like that [points at mini].
Metrosexual! It's the new thing! It's for the chap, he doesn't wanna be too butch, he doesn't wanna have like, you know, a big 4x4, he spends quite a bit of money on hair products- [gestures towards Richard]
He's interested in shirts, probably wears cowboy boots- [Richard is looking sheepishly at his feet, which are clad in cowboy boots] -That kind of thing! He's a blend of gay and not-gay.
[talking over Jeremy] I am not a metro-flamin'-sexual!
You are a metrosexual! I can see you in one of those! [Points at the Mini Cooper's picture]
Apart from anything else, how would you know what a metrosexual is?
I'm not only in touch with my feminine side, I'm in touch with my gay side as well.
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
