A character in Top Gear
Played by Richard Hammond
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Top Gear: in 628 of its 1,774 quotes
Most scenes with: Jeremy Clarkson (406), James May (261)
[James has just crashed his £100 Audi]
Yes, he's dead, so that's ten points away there! And if you want a job on Top Gear, please write to Top Gear...
RichardNo, no wait, look! He's coming 'round!
He's alive!
RichardHe lives!... That's not ten points off, though. Blast.
[reading] "Each of you must drive your car into a wall at 30 mph. You lose 10 points if you're killed, 5 points for each broken bone, and 1 point for each blood injury."
RichardRight. That sounds-...
I'm feeling quite relaxed, actually.
RichardWith your Volvo.
With my Volvo.
RichardBy contrast, with my Rover made entirely of rust, I'm feeling a bit scared. [to May, who is looking unhappy] James, are you all right?
Have a crash? On purpose?
Richard[After launching a car from a gas cannon down onto a parked caravan] That was a good feeling. Volvo kills caravan!
[At the end of the film]
You know? That's the nineteenth caravan we've destroyed on this programme in 12 months.
I actually took a photograph of these two [Richard and James] just after they'd arrived.
RichardAh.
Would you like to see it?
Yes!
Put, put it up.
[audience laughs at photo of Richard and James in motorcycling leathers]
RichardGranted, that's not how we looked in our minds.
[singing] It's fun to stay at the YMCA, it's fun to stay at the Y...
But that's an illustration of why we don't want to wear crash helmets. You will kill yourself; but at least when they lay you out at your funeral you won't have helmet hair.
I suppose you could all dress up as red Indians and construction workers, that's another option.
What you don't know is that we do.
Something I've just thought about though is, that car's got an extra five inches in it so that ou get better rear leg room, yeah?
Yeah.
RichardYeah.
Why don't they just make them all that long? Because you don't buy a jag because you want a small car, do you?
Richard(somewhat meekly) Some of us don't need leg room.
This is from Mistress Goth, from the e-mail and she wants you to be her dungeon bitch. (Audience laughs) I'm not joking. Dungeon bitch.
Richard(stammers and looks uncomfortable)
(interrupting) She says, no, no, she says that you won't have to walk around on your knees because he's so short he'd be a perfect foot rest.
RichardAgain, I'm thinking no.
Okay, well, just before you make your mind up we've got a photograph. We've actually went onto our website and here's the picture.
RichardOh my! She is a sturty girl, isn't she?
If she's looking for a hat stand I'm available.
[discussing the death of J.G. Parry-Thomas at "the birthplace of British speed"]
RichardGetting back to this head coming off business...
Yeah.
RichardPresumably what happened was the car, what, dug in, flipped, rolled...
Several times.
RichardHead came off.
Yeah.
RichardCouldn't the same thing happen to us?
Ooh, I shouldn't think so.
RichardRight.
[on the Chevrolet SSR]
You'd drive that, would you?
RichardYes.
You live in Gloucestershire?
RichardI do.
And you'd drive around in a purple convertible pickup truck?
RichardNot a purple one, obviously...
[during the Cool Wall]
[on the Fiat Barchetta] Who said it's still a Fiat? What's wrong with the Fiat?
They're not good. They're French!
Where the hell do we get this audience from?!
RichardA gardening programme, mate...
Do you know what Fiat stands for, the "I" in it?! Italia!
[after Jeremy rants about the MG-F as being "for people with Beards, or Breasts"]
RichardYou know sometimes, when a thought pops into your head? You should kinda leave it there...and not put it out in the world.
[apparently shocked] Did I just say that all out loud, then?
RichardOh, yes mate, sorry, you did.
God another thought's just popped into my head, 'bout how like the cat in Shrek 2 you look like.
Ooh. Just before we do the news, we've had a letter. Got to share it with you... um... Here- pink note paper- all the i's have got little circles on them- ready? Dear Richard...
Richard[very calm thus far] Oh, right.
[reading] Yeah, I watch Top Gear, I think you're the best looking guy on the program.
Richard[frowning] That's hardly an achievement, is it?
You're cool- fair point- [he means that it's hardly an achievement to be the best looking guy, not that Hammond is cool] You're cool, good looking, ace hairstyle, wicked clothes...
RichardShe said that? She sounds all right!
Best wishes... that's ah- that's um, Stuart.
[Audience laughs]
RichardIt's a modern world, that's all right.
But it gets better, because would you like to know Stuart's address?
RichardNot really, no...
The Folkestone Wing, Her Majesty's Prison, Broadmoor.
RichardBroadmoor?
He's getting out soon and he wants to know-
RichardBut he could be watching now! Shut up!
[Raising a hand to shush Hammond] No, listen- 'What did you do with all of the shirts from the last series; can I have them?'
RichardNo! No you c- Or wait, yes, I- How long's he gonna be... at that address...? Do we know?
Um, it's better than that. Stuart, come on in! [Richard is terrified] No, I'm kidding.
RichardI don't like that.
[During the news]
[talking about average speed cameras] They are forward-facing, though, right?
Yeah, the cameras that take the picture as you're going towards them, yeah.
I approve of those.
Why?
Because I'm a motorcyclist.
What's that got to do with it?
There's no numberplate on the front of a bike.
It's true! It's a fair point. I never thought--why?
The thing is, I've been through Northampton on the bike... [gestures as though opening throttle on a motorcycle and holds up two fingers in a V]
Why is there no numberplate?
I believe they were actually made illegal in the early 70s.
Richard'Cause they used to be upright on the front mudguard.
So if you had a crash, it was like somebody just putting a meat cleaver in your head.
Well, that is one advantage of motorcycling, I will concede, but there is a disadvantage, because, I was talking to a surgeon, just last week, and he was telling me, you know these new bikes that have got a very pronounced fuel tank in front of the saddle?
RichardYeah, a lot of sports bikes...
Do you know what the most common injury is now, when you've had an accident? Your testes... torn off.
RichardOh! Ooh no!
It's a fact! So you can do that [holds up fingers in a V] to a speed camera, but the next thing you know...
RichardJames, we are grown men playing conkers with caravans.
That's okay. It's better than working at a bank.
[during the conclusion of the Pagani Zonda Roadster review]
This is bad news, ladies, very bad news. Little Richard has fallen in love with a ton and a bit of kevlar and wires. Look, they've all come down here... [wanders over to a couple of ladies] look, they've all come down here with their bare mid-riffs... and "Richard" and "Hammond" written on their... like that, and it's no good, he's gone!
RichardI love it, I think this is the big one.
Now, we're going to have to go do the news now before he leaves a deposit on it. Um... oh yeah. So let's do that!
[During the £1500 Porsche challenge];
This was a hugely advanced car when it first came out: polyurethane bumpers; first car ever to have passive rear wheel steering... I've always, always... oh my God, I've got steam.
RichardIs Jeremy breaking down?
Uh, guys, I've got a lot of steam coming out of the bonnet.
Did he say I've got some speed, or I've got some steam?
[voice over] No, it was definitely steam and it was erupting after just two miles.
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