Richard Hammond quotes from Top Gear

Jeremy

What is the next challenge?

James

You've got to spend the change from your £1500 budget...

Jeremy

Yeah..?

James

And with it, you've got to improve your car as much as possible and have it judged by an independent adjudicator who is from the Porsche owner's club.

Richard

Yeah, so you can spend all of the money from your £1500 that you didn't spend on your car... on your car.

Jeremy

How much did you spend?

Richard

I spent £750 on my car, so I've got £750 to spend on improving it.

James

I spent £900 on my car which gives me £600 to spend in improving it.

Richard

How much did you spend?

Jeremy

[mumbling] 1500

Richard

Sorry?

Jeremy

1500

Richard

So you've got nothing to spend on improving it.

Richard

I've never seen him do anything that lairy!

Jeremy

That is... thirty-one feet.

Richard

Not bad.

Jeremy

Don't tell him that. Yeah, you did about four inches, mate. Well done.

James

Give up!

Jeremy

Yeah, that's four inches!

James

That's quite good!

Jeremy

Yeah, no, that was me the other day in a Bentley.

Richard

[After Jeremy does an "Asian number eleven" burnout - a rather sloppy 720-degree doughnut, as his car lacks the power to spin up the wheels in a straight line] You can't have that!

Jeremy

Look, if you were from a region of China just near Tibet northeast you'd look and you go [affects terrible "Chinese" accent] "Ah, someone write ereven!"

Richard

"Porsche 924 owner"... got it in first... "good looking, mild mannered, snappy dresser, 5'11".."

Jeremy

Whaat?! "Five foot eleven"?

James

"Mild mannered"?

Richard

It's a Lonely Hearts ad! If I put "angry short bloke," I won't get any replies!

Jeremy

So how many replies did you get?

Richard

None...

Jeremy

My ad: "Porsche 928 driver — that's the V8 one"...

Richard

Did you actually put, "that's the V8 one"?

Jeremy

Yes, right there, "that's the V8 one".

Richard

You actually did, ah.

Jeremy

"Tall, slim hips, likes books with speedboats on the cover, would like to meet someone for friendship, maybe more."

Richard

Can I just point out: do you know where he put that ad? He put that in the "Men Seeking Men" column. [laughter]

James

Now, elsewhere in the world, awards are awarded to reward excellence. But here, on the Top Gear awards, we like to award an award that rewards a car that we found particularly unrewarding... in 2... 2004... that's not quite right, is it?

Richard

And the Hyundai Accent, which is wretched, whatever engine it has, but we were particularly depressed with three-cylinder diesel version. It really is less fun than drowning!

Jeremy

(After being presented the Golden Cock award) "I am the Golden Cock!"

James

What do we want?

Jeremy

A Range Rover!

James

When do we want it?

Richard

As soon as we can arrange easy financing!

Jeremy

[to Richard] You! You went on Radio 1 this week, okay? He was on Radio 1, which is a small radio station for, like, four year olds, and he said that the best ever driving song was by a band called, what are they called, the baby-snatchers?

Richard

The BodyRockers, you poor bewildered old fool!

Jeremy

[voiceover] ...Oxford isn't a city, it's a bus lane.

Jeremy

Oxford hates cars!

Richard

[pointing to James' Jaguar] So it's really gonna hate this!!

Jeremy

[voiceover] Back on the road, it turned out Hammond's BMW wasn't all that healthy either. But, it did give him a new game to play...

Richard

Ooh! Hold on a minute! I've got it! There's a problem with my brake lights. I have "Connect Three."

Jeremy

[as Hammond overtakes him] That doesn't sound good.

James

[voiceover] Ah, but Hammond wasn't going to steal the break-down honours from me! Help. [voiceover] With the others far in front, and out of sight, my wipers packed up.

Richard

I can't believe we're doing this again.

James

Well I think we really should beat him this time. In fact, I'm going to run.

Jeremy

Can I just say, when we were 50 miles from Oslo we were neck in neck. Okay? Absolutely neck in neck. I made it to Oslo, flew home and was half way through supper before these guys arrivved at the finishing point. That's how badly it went wrong for them!

James

Well, I have to say it wasn't the end, we don't even know what that place was called.

Richard

A town. No idea.

James

No idea.

Richard

Just a place.

James

Freezing cold.

Richard

Yes.

James

Nobody spoke English to us.

Richard

No.

James

And we had no money.

Richard

No! And then there was a cash point and, that was unbelievable, it said 5000 kroner. Well how much is that? Do I buy a pencil sharpener or a car with that? And all I know is that's more than he [May] had because when he asked for that it said insufficient funds available. Which didn't go down well.

Richard

And the big news this week is Jeremy has been banned from driving for six months. Yes he has! [Audience cheers and applauds] I know! What do we do?

James

I'm really sorry to disappoint you, but I have to point out that it wasn't his local magistrate that banned him, it was his doctor!

Richard

It was and that's why it's taking him so long to get to the stage! [Jeremy slowly approaches the stage] Ooh, you look like you're in pain.

Jeremy

Yes, I am. I have a top speed of one.

Richard

What have you done?

Jeremy

I slipped two discs in my back and they told me not to drive or write. Thank you so much for that! That's kind of what I do!

Jeremy

You do know why James is feeling more sedated than usual?

Richard

Tired, scared?

Jeremy

He's had an operation.

Richard

Where?

Jeremy

[whispers into Richard's ear] On his arse.

Richard

Ooh! That's... gotta hurt!

Jeremy

That's ...why [laughter]

Richard

With the saddle and everything!

James

[voiceover] It's true.

Jeremy

This has a top speed - and I know this because I've done it - of one million miles an hour, a million! What really annoys me is that Hammond's gonna go, "Hey, it's really pretty, I can ride standing up and everything!" and I can't. Because I'm too tall and too old and too fat and I hate it!

Richard

It has a 450cc, single cylinder engine that makes a thousand, million horsepower, and it's faster than light!