[on the Jaguar R-D6 concept car]
But the bit I really like is the inside. Have a look at this. Now have a look at that black leather and all those shiny bits, and those red lights down in the footwell. Now clearly a Jaguar designer got completely lashed at a vodka bar and thought, [in drunken voice] "Uhh, I'll make it look like thish then." So obviously there'll be a bouncer on the door, telling you you can't come in 'cause you've got trainers on.
RichardIt's a gorgeous-looking thing, I think it's fab. But here's the thing I don't get about Jaguar concept cars. Two years ago, about then, they showed us XK180, and there it is, that was to show us what Jaguars of the future will look like. But then last year, they did the R Coupé, to show us what Jaguars of the future will look like. And now they're back again with this, to show us what Jaguars of the future will look like.
Now look, Jaguar. You have made your point. Just make the car.
Richard
This whole survey throws up some fascinating stuff. Like the Porsche 911. A favorite car of mine, known for its... somewhat scary handling sometimes. Ninety-six percent of 911 owners in this survey claim to be absolutely satisfied with their car's handling, which is very good. It leaves four percent, and they probably were entirely satisfied with the handling of their 911 right up until they hit the tree. Then they changed their mind.
Yeah, but think of it this way. The people who got their bone marrow and their eyes are very satisfied with the handling of the 911.
[after Richard's sinking-car film, in which he needed the rescue diver's help to escape the car]
So did you die in the making of that film?
Richard
Well, yeah. I mean, if it was real, yes, I did.
And the thing is, it was very lucky you were in the GL model, 'cause that was the one that did come with the diver in the back seat with the aqualung.
Richard
Yeah. If it'd been an L, pfft. That would've been it, curtains.
[examining Jay Kay's Miura SV]
Richard
Um, Jay, I did notice there's, uh, there's no window in.
JJay
Well, I'll tell you what I did with the window. [opens driver's door]
Richard
Re-enact it for us.
Richard
Go on, then.
[Jay shuts the door normally and mimes the window shattering]
Richard
Oh, you closed the door! You mad, impetuous rock star fool. You were asking for trouble, Jay!
JJay
You know, I mean, that's rock 'n roll, hey?
[Jeremy is butting in as Richard and James populate the Classic Wall]
Richard
Jeremy, can I ask - what's that?
This is an Alfa Romeo GTV6, a magnificent car!
Richard
It is. And I believe you had one!
Richard
And how much did you pay for it, Jeremy?
Richard
Mm, and then you sold it. And how much did you sell it for?
Richard
OK, that didn't go too well. How much was it worth a year later?
Richard
So how much do you know about all of this? Absolutely nothing.
[Announcing the result of the Hilux torture test]
Richard
All of which makes it more of a shame that in the end you killed it with fire.
Well, that's the thing. You probably won't believe this, ladies and gentlemen. I want a huge round of applause, IT IS STILL WORKING!
[on the Peugeot 307 CC and Renault Mégane CC]
Richard
As we stand here, both of these cars are slowly sinking into the floor. They're that heavy.
So if I were to say to you, "OK, I'm going to shave your poodle... "
Richard
Right.
"... unless you tell me which one you'd have."
Richard
[looks at a loss]
Which one or the poodle's bald.
Richard
... Bring on the razor, mate, I'm afraid.
Richard
But it does sound a lot like a TVR in feeling, you know, noisy and different...
Yes, except a TVR has got a better interior than this, and actually, I think a TVR will be more reliable.
Richard
[giggling] Just how bad was that knock on your head?
It's the Enemy of the State Award, the person who's done the most to harm the cause of the petrolhead these last 12 months. Gentlemen, the nominations.
Richard
The Chief Constable of North Wales, Richard Brunstrom, for his resolutely unpopular anti-motorist stance.
There are no more nominations.
[During the News Segment. Hammond has just mentioned the new mini. He is wearing a bright red shirt.]
Whoa, what are the noises for? Do you like it?
AAudience (Including James)
No!
Richard
Heck, I do, Actually, I think that looks great! [silence] Maybe it's the shirt?
How much is it going to cost?
Richard
It's going to cost... well, they'll generally be about £2500 more than the equivalent hard top. So the Cooper S, the Supercharged version of that, £17 500, £15 500 for the coupe. About £13 500 I think for the mini one.
Richard
Well, yeah, but the mini- it's not a cheap small car. It's an expensive small car. And I like that [points at mini].
Metrosexual! It's the new thing! It's for the chap, he doesn't wanna be too butch, he doesn't wanna have like, you know, a big 4x4, he spends quite a bit of money on hair products- [gestures towards Richard]
Richard
Don't point at me, mate.
He's interested in shirts, probably wears cowboy boots- [Richard is looking sheepishly at his feet, which are clad in cowboy boots] -That kind of thing! He's a blend of gay and not-gay.
Richard
[talking over Jeremy] I am not a metro-flamin'-sexual!
You are a metrosexual! I can see you in one of those! [Points at the Mini Cooper's picture]
Richard
Apart from anything else, how would you know what a metrosexual is?
I'm not only in touch with my feminine side, I'm in touch with my gay side as well.
Richard
You're probably right.
[during a news segment]
Have you seen the back seats of the Discovery?
Richard
They're magnificent!
Richard
It's worth getting one--well you won't get one 'cos...
[Jeremy spots someone in the audience]
Richard
Well, we never knew!
Who have we booked as the guest this week?
Richard
Maybe he's not suppose to be on yet.
Is he the guest? That would be something, we'll have some viewers then!
JJesus
At least I'm not too tall for my hair, eh Jeremy?
Richard
What I really do want is a radio.
(Listening to his radio) Robbie Williams played through a 1980's Volvo stereo.
Richard
I'd listen to radio 3! Or The Archers on 4!
(singing along) Thoughts running through my head...
Richard
Oh, I wish I had a radio!
That's the worst stereo I've ever heard in my life.
Richard
God, I wish I had a radio!
(smug) But it is a stereo. And Hammond doesn't have one.
[on the Italian police's Lamborghini Gallardo]
Yes, but we've been wondering all week, why? Because it is impossible to commit a motoring offence in Italy!
I've been stopped by the Italian police.
I was doing about 110 in an Aston Martin DB7. I overtook the police car on a left hand bend and he pulled me up at the next lay-by because I'd left the filler flap open at the garage.
It's a style thing is what you're saying.
Richard
What? Spoling the lines of the car?
He didn't even say anything. He came out and he went up and he went (mimes pushing the filler cap closed with a stern expression). I thought I was going to get a ticket for being unsetting.
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
