JeremyI have here a personal letter reply to us from David Cameron himself. [reading the letter] "Dear Top Gear, thank you for your letter. Whilst it's true I'm keen on us to build on our ties out here, sending you three is not quite what I had in mind. The Foreign Secretary did wonder instead about a fence mending trip to Mexico. Basically, my message is this... you do the cars, we'll do the diplomacy."
[looks behind] Oh, here he comes now.
[David Cameron is seen leaving Number 10 by car in front of the three]
DCDavid Cameron
Stay away from India.
Jeremy
[looking dejected] ...Well, that was unequivocal.
Well, we're going to ignore the Prime Minister. What we're going to do instead is to buy three second-hand British cars, and then to head over there with a very simple objective... to rescue Britain.
Jeremy
Has anyone here seen the theory test? Anybody?
Jeremy
You have? Because most people of our age haven't, and none of the questions have got anything to do, as far as I can work out with driving. Now let me - can I give you some examples? [looks briefly at Hammond] You can answer this. "An elderly person... [gestures to himself] An elderly person's ability could be affected because they may be unable to...?"
Jeremy
No.
Get an erection. [laughter]
[looks at Jeremy's jeans] Wear jeans! [laughter]
Jeremy
Funny. "Where's the safest place to park your vehicle at night?"
In a police station. [laughter]
Jeremy
Right, we've got a picture here. We'll bring up this picture. [screen shows school keep clear markings] Right. When - This is a real question, OK? "You must not stop on these road markings because you may obstruct... what?" [laughter]
Jeremy
I mean, seriously, that is a question. He's managed to fail 92 times on that one.
Those are not questions to pass your driving. Do any of them say, for instance, can you drive a car?
Jeremy
No, no. I'm in the book now. This is what you buy your teenage child when they're learning to drive. "At an incident, a small child is not breathing. To restore normal breathing, you should breathe into their mouth, A sharply, B gently, C heavily, D tenderly?" [laughter]
It doesn't say "tenderly"!
Jeremy
I made "tenderly" up. Nothing to do with driving!
Jeremy
I bring all this up, OK, because when did it happen that somebody decided that driving was so unbelievably hard, you can't do it while doing something else? You know like listening to Ken Bruce's pop master, or talking on the phone. Honestly, I can't think of anything that I couldn't do while driving... apart from reading a broadsheet newspaper. I wouldn't be able to do that.
Jeremy
I could do that.
You can't, you'd need to hold your wood -- [making sawing movement]
Jeremy
No, no, you put it between your legs. You can still operate the pedals. You could saw.
Um, sewing on a button. You need both hands to really do this fiddly --
Jeremy
I could do that.
Jeremy
I could!
You know you can't sew on a button with a hammer?
Jeremy
I know how to sew. Actually, while we're on the subject, did you see that case recently... a woman who was stopped by the police after they caught her driving down a motorway while... causing herself to have pleasure. [laughter]
I bet you can't drive in a sleeping bag. [laughter] Actually, I'm not sure. Actually, I'm going to take that back. I think you could drive in a sleeping bag if you, if you...
You couldn't drive in a sleeping bag.
I bet you - I bet I could.
I bet I could drive in a sleeping bag.
Jeremy
Right, there you go. Right, you're on! Some time this week, before next week's show, I'll take you on round the track. You drive in a proper cocoon sleeping bag with your arms in it...
Jeremy
And race me, and I'll sew a button on my shirt.
Oh let me guess... I've got to drive whilst performing an act on myself.
[laughter and applause]
Jeremy
No.
Jeremy
We'll leave you out of it.
Can we make it a 50 yard sprint -- [breaks down to laugh]
[While test driving the XF15OZK-4]
Jeremy
[voiceover] Having mastered the gearbox, it was time to open up the single-cylinder 12-horsepower engine.
[Both Jeremy and James lean back unwillingly & repeatedly every time Jeremy speeds up]
The acceleration just... is blinding! It's like a safety device. You accelerate too hard, your feet come off the pedal.
Jeremy
Hold on to your spine. [over rough roads] Ah!
Jeremy
I mean, 2004, this car was launched.
If I'd shown this to you and asked you when it was built, when would you have said?
Jeremy
1957.
I would say it was older than me.
Jeremy
Yeah.
[over rough roads] Ow! Ow!
JJJeremy & James
Poor quality!
Jeremy
Come on, redeeming feature, James. There must be a redeeming feature.
Uh... It's character-building.
Jeremy
No, 'cause I mean this...
[Engine suddenly dies]
Jeremy
[after failing to restart the engine] I think our test drive's over.
[On Chinese Stig]
Jeremy
Some say he's the Stig, but he isn't. He is the Stig's Chinese cousin. [Chinese Stig kicks open a door behind them] Now, I should explain, driving is his second favourite thing.
What's his first favourite thing?
Jeremy
Attacking people. He does it a lot. He's constantly at it.
[Chinese Stig proceeds to attack Jeremy, James, the director and the camera crew until Jeremy and James persuade him to go into the Guangzhou Trumpchi]
Jeremy
That's the worst Stig we've ever had.
Jeremy
So bearing in mind you can't jump off a bridge without breaking your back, was skydiving the perfect hobby to — to take up? [laughter]
RRRyan Reynolds
God, you're like my mother!
Jeremy
Old enough!
RRRyan Reynolds
Just killing me! My friends were trying to get their license, so I decided I would get my license, skydiving, and I did 12 jumps, which were all highly successful.
Jeremy
And then it was 13.
RRRyan Reynolds
And the 13th one, I had a problem, where the chute didn't open, and I had to pull the reserve. But the weird thing is, when you're in a situation like that, you're flying down at 120 miles per hour, and when your chute doesn't open,you seriously have to think about pulling the other one. That's the weird thing. Like time slows down and you're thinking,
"But if I pull the other one, then I'll have none left." [laughter] "So, I'm just going to wait to see if something happens."
And sure enough, at the last minute, I pulled the reserve chute, which you can't steer, and I ended up landing in a field which ironically contained only a dead horse. I don't know what omen that is. Usually, it's a black crow that tells you you're going to die, but I just landed next to a dead horse.
[in the news]
Jeremy
One place I could never understand why people stopped at was Little Chef. Because what they did was they took ingredients, and then ruined them.
I once stopped at a Little Chef very early in the morning and I said, "Can I have an omelette?" The woman said "No, I'm sorry sir, the powder hasn't arrived yet."
Jeremy
I once dropped a sausage from my plate at Little Chef, and it bounced. They made it out of old squash balls!
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy
Tonight, we get very cold and wet. I re-enact the Battle of Britain.
Jeremy
And there's a Blur in our reasonably-priced car.
[While waiting for Richard in his Morgan Threewheeler to pass by]
Come on, my little three-wheeled friend.
Here he comes, ladies and gentlemen.
Jeremy
Here he comes
Doff your hats. Roll out the barrel.
JJJeremy & James
[dancing and singing Any old iron] Any old iron, any old iron, any, any, any old iron...
I am going to give it the full Stirling Moss. Ya-a-ah!
Jeremy
Did you see him clinging on with his elbow? You could see the sinews in his arm.
The sound is from the 1930s. Did the picture go black and white as he went past?
Jeremy
I'm not having you judging.
Jeremy
You can't play a game of Monopoly without cheating.
No, you can't. He did cheat at Monopoly.
Jeremy
I played these two at a game of Monopoly and he [points at James] cheated!
We played for four hours and you cheated!
You ruined the game! You made it - you robbed the bank!
There was a... [laughter] There was a bank robbery. But you don't get those in Monopoly and I thought it would make it more authentic if the bank was robbed.
Jeremy
What?
So you're a cheat, a liar and a burglar!
[While Jeremy goes over his favourite quotes from Kimi Raikkonen]
Jeremy
There was the famous one when Michael Schumacher got his lifetime achievement thing in Brazil, from Pele, and Martin Brundle said, "Did you see the ceremony?" You said no because...
KRKimi Raikkonen
I was busy. [laughter]
Jeremy
"Taking a dump," is what you said.
KRKimi Raikkonen
I mean, I told the truth, a true story, so...
Jeremy
I fell off my chair laughing! [laughter] I like this one. "The helmet has a special meaning for many drivers. How important is it to you?" You said, "It protects my head."
Jeremy
You stole the hat?
SSlash
Yeah. Then I went next door and stole a poncho belt and cut it up and put it around the top and I've been wearing it ever since.
Jeremy
You do know this show is shown in America?
SSlash
It's OK. It was long enough ago that the statute's up by now.
Jeremy
OK, so you're going to get away with the stolen hat. There's some gossip we didn't know. Slash wears stolen clothing.
Jeremy
[voiceover] And, with that sorted, we got to know the other drivers.
Jeremy
I notice from the entry sheet you're all called Gary. [laughter]
GGirl
I'm not! [laughter]
Jeremy
Yes... Do you mind if I call you Gary, just to keep everything clear?
GGirl
No, that's fine. Just keep it simple.
Jeremy
OK, but who is called Gary? [two men raise their hands] You're Gary, you're Gary and you're both in my class?
You are racing in Gary class... [laughter] so you are Gary Clarkson.
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
