Jeremy Clarkson quotes from Top Gear

Jeremy

[voiceover] Next up in the stock hatch class was Professor Richard Hammond, who was still trying to get to grips with the scoring system.

Richard

Six plus one equals one, because that's the result they carry forwards... which means I could end up in final C, which... C comes before A... I'm just going to drive around as fast as I can.

Jeremy

I'll tell you what. He's a lot better at that than he is at driving.

Richard

And he's quicker!

Jeremy

The Pagani...Pagani Hu, Huuuuuuin.

Richard

Huayra.

Jeremy

Huummugh. It's a stupid name!

Richard

Why is it stupid?

Jeremy

It hasn't got any consonants in it. Consonants are the meat of the language; if you had no consonants in your name, you'd be...I-a. And I'd be...Eeeee.

Richard

People have waited a long time for us to come back, and that's it.

Jeremy

You must come and have a look.

[voiceover] Theo Paphitis decides to take a closer look.

Jeremy. It's s***.

Jeremy

It isn't!

It is. Totally and utter s***.

[voiceover] Theo Paphitis thinks Jeremy's car still needs work.

[voiceover] Theo Paphitis is out, which means Jeremy's only chance is Duncan Bannatyne.

[Scottish accent] Well, Jeremy. I'm the last Dragon in. I tried to tempt them by making an offer, hoping they would come in with me.

Jeremy

Sorry, I can't understand a word you're saying.

That is... I'm out.

[voiceover] Jeremy has insulted Duncan Bannatyne, and now he too is out.

Jeremy

Not again. Hammond, why do you like it in America so much? Every nice piece of road has an 8mph speed limit on it.

Richard

I don't know, don't ask me, it's not my fault.

Jeremy

Yes, it is. I mean, what are we going to hit? What are we going to hit here? There's nothing. No wildlife, no people. This is stupid. It's stupid!

Jeremy

[voiceover] Eventually, though, the 35mph hour limit ended, and thanks to some trickery in the edit, we were able to take our cars up to a dizzying 55mph.

Lexus Enform, this is Cheryl, where would you like to go today?

Jeremy

I'm being attacked by fighter planes!

I'm sorry, can you repeat that?'

Jeremy

Yes, I'm being attacked. There are fighter planes and I'm trying to get away from them. Do you have any suggestions?

Jeremy

[voiceover] She didn't. And as a result, the game became a turkey shoot.

Jeremy

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Lexus Enform, this is Sonia, where would you like to go today?'

Jeremy

Yes, hello, I've accidentally painted a gentleman's sausage on a storm drain.

Oh, my.

Jeremy

Yeah, I need to run away.

Jeremy

[voice over] And nor, as it turned out, was the Mustang's voice activated telephone directory.

Jeremy

Richard Hammond.

For media device, say, "User device, USB line in" or "Bluetooth audio". For settings, say, "Phone or Voice settings". For sync services, say, "Services". If a route is active, you can say, "Next turn", "Update route", "Route status..."

Jeremy

[angrily] Shut up!

Or see the tips available at www dot sync my ride dot com.

Jeremy

[shouting] Please, stop talking!

Jeremy

Do they understand what you're on about there?

Erm, most of them understand. I have had the odd strange comment. One in particular was, "Now that you're successful, will you learn to speak English properly?"

Jeremy

And will you?

I still haven't!

Jeremy

Sorry, Scotland! Couldn't help myself! Couldn't help myself!

James

It looks absolutely fantastic and you'll notice that some of the bodywork is made from copper. Just like the boiler tubes on a Gresley A4 Streamliner Pacific Locomotive.

Jeremy

[hurriedly] Yes, James, yes, yes.

James

And it's actually untreated copper so over time, it'll turn green … unless a scrap metal merchant removes it in the night.

Richard

Inside they've continued the theme of using unusual materials, so the dashboard is made out of recycled newspaper. I'm guessing they'll have used the Guardian for everything on the left and the Telegraph for everything on the right. Actually the newspaper is good because it means there is no need to Bluetooth your phone to it; The dashboard will already have listened to your messages for you.

Richard

Brilliant — so it only reads 20 even if they're doing 80 miles an hour.

Jeremy

[correcting Richard] 115. [imitating an old woman] "I'm only doing 17 miles an hour," so they're happy. The people stuck behind, whose wives are in labour and they have meetings to get to, they're happy. Everybody wins.

Jeremy

[voice over] I was also rather proud of my old-people-friendly rear fog light.

Jeremy

This will be mounted in the car, this is the switch. So as soon as it starts a little bit of light drizzle, the elderly person turns on the rear fog light and then what happens round the back is… absolutely nothing at all.

Jeremy

[voice over] Hammond softened the suspension and I installed a pet cage.

Richard

A cat bolted to the roof?

Jeremy

I'm not bolting the cat, I'm bolting the cat cage to the roof and then it'll be up here and I won't get asthma.

Jeremy

Now, listen, I've got a couple of questions for you. First of all, this. [making squeaking noise]

Richard

Yeah. Underneath the brake pedal, I've fitted one of these, [holding up a squeaky rubber ball] so you know which pedal you're hitting.

Jeremy

Oh, I see! So there's no chance of unintended acceleration.

Richard

Yeah, that's a big problem solved.

Jeremy

Am I pushing the right pedal? [squeaking noise] Yes, I am! There's an audible reminder! That's brilliant!

Richard

Not only that, but the nature of the noise…

Jeremy

Yes, it's funny. When it comes to cadence braking… [rapid squeaking noise heard]

Richard

Oh, that is lovely!

Jeremy

…'cause a cadence-braking situation is a panic situation —

Richard

Yeah, it's bad.

Jeremy

— but that sprinkles some comedy into it.

Richard

I've never concentrated so hard in my life.

Two and eight, 28.

Jeremy

Oh! I'm literally wetting myself!

One and five, 15.

Jeremy

It's coming out!

All the sixes, 66.

Jeremy

Oh! Say 86!

Six and five, 65.

Jeremy

Oh, boll —!