Jeremy Clarkson quotes from Top Gear

Jeremy

How many children said, "Dad, can we please go to the Goodwood Festival of Speed 'cause I really wanna see a zero-emission Renault van"?

Richard

Yes, how many of those kids went back to school the next day, "Did you see the chrome-plated Bugatti?" "No, but I saw a Renault van with green windows! Yeah!"

James

And now, the news! And we begin the news with the new Lamborghini — here it is — and that has been named after their recently retired chief test driver, Valentino Balboni.

Richard

Bet they wouldn't have called it after him if he'd been named Ken Shufflebottom.

James

Actually, their new chief test driver is called Max Venturi.

Richard

No, he's not, obviously.

James

No, he is!

Jeremy

He is, he really is! That's his real name!

Richard

No, he's not really called Max Ven...

Jeremy

He is...

Richard

Nobody outside of a comic strip is called "Max Venturi, Lamborghini Tester"!

Jeremy

You don't need a driving license to be a Lamborghini test driver. You just turn up for the interview, go, "Look, I'm awfully sorry, I'm drunk and mad - but I'm called Velociraptor Clint Thrust." "Right, you start on Monday."

James

Come on! Nobody gives a pig's arse about all that diesel stuff. (Crowd Laughs) It's the new XJ; the important question is “Is it a proper Jag?”

Jeremy

Now what you mean is “Is this car slightly caddish?” Is that what you actually mean?

James

(nods) Yes.

Jeremy

Is the person who drives it a bit... um, what's the word? Im not quite sure how to sum it up, but it's the sort of person who would go away for a weekend with his wife to a hotel, to some romantic place, and spends the entire night... flirting outrageusly with the waitress. And it's okay because he's got a “Jaaaaag.”

Richard

That's the Jag driver; he'd get away with anything! (Changes tone) I'm terribly sorry, I ran over your dog. (Whimpers) ...in my “Jaaaaag.”

James

Is it fair to say? Do you think that no “Jaaaaag” driver is ever entirely trustworthy, but it's in a really nice likeable way?

Jeremy

Yes! If you would go to a prison, forget the sort of "stabbists", and you know the stranglers. The ones who are in there for a bit of Tax Dodging...

James

Yeah.

Jeremy

I bet eighty percent have got “Jaaaaags.” (Crowd laughs) You know what I mean now?

Jeremy

You got a Jag? Who here's got a Jag? (Stands up then points at someone who responded) You got a Jag? Look at him!

Richard

Yup, he's a Jag driver.

Jeremy

He goes away with a sort of girl for a weekend, and then goes... “Awfully sorry...”

Richard

... bit of an issue with the wallet.

Jeremy

“Would you mind awfully settling this while I go warm up the “Jaaaaag?”

James

That's, actually, that's not the worst bit about those, those six-seater cars, because it could be worse if you had your wife in the front, and both daughters, and you sat in the back.

Jeremy

[sympathetically] Ohh.

James

No, but you do see that occasionally. You see the mother in the front, and then, and then there's a bloke sitting in the back seat.

Richard

On his own.

Jeremy

It's tragic.

James

There's nothing more pitiable.

Richard

Pathetic.

Jeremy

It's the most pitiable sight you can see.

James

She's effectively saying, "You've given me the baby, now get in the back."

Richard

[nodding] Yeah.

Jeremy

[stares at James for a moment, then bursts out laughing]

James

[realizes what he said, points at the camera]... No.

Jeremy

Uh, that... concludes the news, OK? [looks at James and bursts out laughing again, this time taking Richard with him]

Jeremy

We have had some problems with the Morris Marina Owners' Club--

Richard

Problems!? They've declared a fatwa on us!

Jeremy

[Voiceover] Olivier Panis found the Morris particularly annoying.

What is this shitbox?! What is this car? A Morris?

Richard

Last week a piano was accidentally dropped on a Morris Marina as we were filming it.

Jeremy

Last time this happened the Morris Marina Owners' Club, which is like the provisional wing of the "Morris Men", is absolutely furious.

James

Actually, there's been a lot of activity on a Morris chatroom: "I'm going to send an e-mail to the BBC and I don't care if they don't read it."

Jeremy

Now, that's what they said last time, okay. This time - getting worse. They say they're gonna get physical. I'm quoting now, one of them says (and I'm not making this up): "If I see Jeremy Clarkson in the street, I will poo into my hand and throw it at him."

Richard

[incredulous] What, they'll poo into their own hand?! That's a stupid way of getting someone! That's like an assassin lining up on the target and then shooting them through his own head! Bang!

James

I'm not convinced by that, though, because I think electricity is a mystery.

James

It is! No--I don't actually believe in it.

Jeremy

You don't believe in electricity?

James

No, nobody really understands it.

Jeremy

[Indicating James] What you are witnessing here is Asperger's made real.

James

[Confused] Is that what makes my wee smell funny?

Jeremy

No--! [He laughs]

James

[Laughing as well] Oh no, that's asparagus!

Richard

If you haven't got the interest, you can't do it...you shouldn't be allowed to do it.

Jeremy

No, exactly. I mean, it would be like asking him [points to Richard] to cook Sunday lunch. Could you cook a Sunday lunch?

Richard

Yeah, you... boil the meat or whatever... no, I'm not--

Jeremy

You see?

Richard

I'm not interested in food so I'm not interested in cooking.

Jeremy

There you are, you see? You wouldn't ask him because he's not interested to cook you any food, you wouldn't ask me to do the washing up, you wouldn't ask James to... direct a porn film.

James

Well, hang on. You say that, I think I'd actually direct quite a good porn film.

Jeremy

If you directed a porn film, it would be you arriving at the house of the woman in the stockings and you'd go [takes on a deep voice in imitation of James] "I've come to fix your boiler". And then you'd just fix it.

James

[considering] Might be. What's wrong with that?

Jeremy

What do you think of that?

James

It's rubbish.

Jeremy

Why is it rubbish?

James

It's not funny, and it's not true. We've been to see those clever blokes in the agency, they've told us what VW advertising is like. How can you hint at 55 miles to the gallon with an explosion?

Jeremy

Well what have you got?

Richard

What you want for a Grand Tour is engine at the front, nice comfy suspension, four seats and a boot for all your luggage

Jeremy

Exactly, like the Aston

Richard

Well, yeah, it's the best... apart from the fact that the Ferrari costs £140,000, the Lambo £150,000 and the Aston is the best part of £170,000

Jeremy

Yes

Richard

And it's the slowest to 60mph.

Jeremy

Yes

Richard

And it's got the smallest top speed

Jeremy

Yes. But... [pointing to the Ferrari] that's a V8, [pointing to the Lamborghini] that's a V10, [pointing to the Aston] that's a V12. MORE, [emphasising the difference in height between himself and Hammond] is better.

Jeremy

[voiceover] So that we could talk to each other on our long journey, we decided to pull over and connect our phones into the cars' Bluetooth systems. In the Aston and the Lamborghini, this was very easy. However, in the Ferrari...

Every new phone must be prepared before it is used.

Richard

Yes, preparing my phone.

You may have...

Richard

Yes, yes, yes.

..so that you can press the phone's button and say "Call Mary" to place a call to Mary. Pressing the VR button while the system is speaking...

Richard

PLEASE STOP!

Jeremy

[voiceover] For miles, our convoy ruled the road. But then...

Jeremy

Oh, my God! Look here!

Richard

What's that?! Wha...?

James

That's the Dacia Sandero!

Jeremy

I'm going to see if I can hold on to the back of it.

James

The 1.2 16-valve... that thing can shift!

Jeremy

Come on! Keep up with the Sandero!

Jeremy

They say each fan is going to be limited to just 24 cans of lager each per day.

Richard

[sarcastically] Just 24?

Jeremy

24 a day, no more than that.

James

And Australians, don't think you can get round this by switching to wine, because that's limited as well... to four litres a day.

Richard

It's got a very clever gearbox, it's called the... *stumbles*

Jeremy

Is it German?

Richard

It's a German name, it's really complicated..

Jeremy

Oh God..

Richard

So can I just spell this out, it's a D, O, P, P, E, L.. K.. U.. P, P.. L... U... N, G... S.. G.. E, T, R.. I, E, B.. E.

Jeremy

Do you know what that means? You speak German.

James

I do.

Jeremy

What's the only German you can say?

James

Aber ja, natürlich Hans nass ist, er steht unter einem Wasserfall.

Jeremy

What's that mean?

James

"Naturally Hans is wet, he's standing under a waterfall."

Richard

Ok...

James

I use it all the time.