Jeremy Clarkson quotes from Top Gear

Jeremy

Some say that in the autumn, all his arms go brown and fall off. And that if he wrote you a letter of condolence, he would at least get your name right. All we know is, he's called the Stog.

James

You mean the Stig.

Jeremy

That's what I said. I said it!

Jeremy

[voiceover] Meanwhile, Hammond's Ferrari had decided all on its own to make a telephone call.

Selected. Calling: Vernon Kay now.

Richard

What? Vernon-

Is this correct?

Richard

Why are you calling Vernon Kay?

Richard

Why are you doing that?

Hello?

Richard

Vernon?

Who are you?

Richard

[awkwardly] Hello mate, it's Richard Hammond.

Richard

Do we know that this is the right way?

Jeremy

Ah, sorry, Hammond I'm just following May.

Richard

You do know what you've just said, don't you?

Jeremy

We wanted to hit James over the head with a hammer, but the kids beat us to it.

James

[being hit by a child with a rubber hammer] Ow, ow, ow...

Jeremy

Have we got anyone behind us? It's hard -

Richard

Yes, ohh yes. Yes, yes we have, yes.

Richard

I can't wait to see their new car. Don't worry about bothering with all that carbon fibre, I made mine out of steel. Steel!

Jeremy

Stainless steel. [putting on accent] I tell you what, if that Fernando Alonso twats into our car, his Ferrari'll be buggered. I'll tell ye that for nowt.

James

Funny, my dad worked in pit, and now I've got a job in pit.

Jeremy

They're replacing T'oyota and they've sang' Timo Glock, who presumably is currently learning why it's important to punch anyone who looks at 'im funny.

Jeremy

Criminals! Would you like to get away with your crimes? Are you capable of running more than a hundred yards? Well, good news!

James

I don't want the police to crack down on CO2. I want them to get my bloody television back, because it's been six years since that was nicked and I haven't heard a peep out of them whilst they've been going on about cracking down on CO2. I'm going to have to buy another one at this rate.

Jeremy

What were you stopped for the other day? By a policeman. It was some motoring misdemeanour. He just turned around and said "Oh good, this must mean you've found my television."

James

I think that makes perfect sense, doesn't it? 'Cause whenever I drive a really nice, exciting car, I always get like a nice little... fizzing sensation.

Jeremy

Where is this fizzing sen -

James

Well, it's not actually in my penis, but it's - but it's sort of just behind it.

Jeremy

... A fizzing sensation just behind your penis.

James

Yeah.

Jeremy

So isn't that the pit of your stomach?

James

No no no, lower down than that. Sort of right be -

Richard

That's your prostate, mate, you've sat on the gear lever.

Jeremy

Now. We have to just touch on something, don't we, before we go, because -

Richard

Whoa, no! No no, no, no no, no no no, gaaah.

Jeremy

[facepalming] The news has gone wrong this week.

Jeremy

So, James, this generator is charging the batteries as we drive along?

James

Yeah.

Richard

Well, that's brilliant! It's a hybrid! We've built a Prius.

Jeremy

You don't think the producers are messing with the subtitles, do you?

Richard

No, they wouldn't do that!

Jeremy

Let's move on, and do the Pendulum Test. This is designed to measure how well a car will stand up to being sideswiped by a bus or a truck.

Jeremy

Frankly it was hard to see how we could possibly pass this, but then James came up with a plan. [The three are shown standing by their car, which is sitting next to the lowered pendulum] A plan that would fool even the most astute EU bureaucrat.

Action!

Jeremy

Wow!

James

Wow!

Richard

Wow!

Richard

Tuo kool!

Jeremy

So, now our car is going to face the fearsome Pendulum Test.

Richard

[slurred] Look out!

Richard

Wow?

James

Wow?

Jeremy

Wow? [voiceover] Wow, indeed. Another pass!

Jeremy

James? How long, realistically, are you expecting that to keep going?

James

Well, I've topped up the genny tank, so that's eight hours on the generator, and that fully charges the battery as well, so you get another hour out of those, just the batteries.

Jeremy

So realistically, you're looking for nine hours of running.

James

Yeah.

Jeremy

What's happened there is...

Richard

Well, the Stig's died.

Richard

Um... it says it the ride and handling section where they deal with things like the chassis, "that to all intents and purposes the Hammerhead i-Eagle Thrust has no ride or handling as such, instead it lurches around almost uncontrollably."

Jeremy

Oh, God Almighty. No, it gets worse. OK, they say that in the Highway Code, they say that the stopping distance from 70 miles an hour is 215 feet, but our car stopping from 30 miles an hour took 506... 549 feet.

Richard

Well, who's really going to do that in the real world?

Jeremy

It's ridiculous.

James

[reading] "The styling is unlikely to win fans amongst those of us blessed with the gift of sight."

Richard

########!

James

What do people who review cars actually know?

Jeremy

Exactly.

James

I mean, think about it for a minute: the car turns up, it's delivered, it's free, they haven't had to invest any money or time or any of that; they just drive it around for a bit, then they—

Jeremy

[scornfully] Car reviewers, hmph..

James

—write rubbish!

Richard

Anybody can criticize. Try making something and then reading things like: "Try to regain front end grip by braking and the fronts will simply lock, at which point you will crash." That could hurt sales!

Jeremy

And so, belting down the M1, you arrive in Leicestershire, and there is a 20-mile set of roadworks there--20 miles--which have average speed cameras set at 50mph for the entire length. Traffic's light, there's no rain, it's three lanes, but you're forced to do 50. Now, I don't know who the Minister of Transport is, but I want him to find the man who came up with that idea, go round to his office on Monday morning and punch him really hard in the upside of his testes. Just-- [mimes punching someone] --bumff. 'Coz if he doesn't, I'm going to find the man, and I'm going to attach him to a milling machine, and I'm gonna see if it's possible to turn a man's frank into a perfect cube. [audience laugh] Do you know why they have the 50mph speed limit? To protect the workforce... who weren't there! They were in bed, where I wanted to be!

James

No, I agree, I agree with you entirely, but the answer is not cubing people's heads. The answer is, when the workforce isn't there, do 70.

Jeremy

Well, you're just gonna get nicked.

James

No, but if everybody does 70--

Jeremy

Okay, who here would just do 70 through a set of roadworks with an average speed camera? [only James puts his hand up] Nobody, James! You go charging through and you're just gonna get booked!

James

No, but that's fine, but you can test it; stay at 70, because that's the speed limit, take it to court, in front of the jury, and you argue, correctly, that it is wrong to apply a 50mph speed limit when there's no-one there to protect.

Jeremy

So you're saying it's logic.

James

It is logic.

Jeremy

It's logic to kill Nelson Mandela.

James

No it isn't.

Jeremy

It is. No, it is, but you can't do it.

James

Killing Nelson Mandela is a grey area. But doing 70mph on the motorway--

Jeremy

What, is it black or white?

James

--is an absolute.

Jeremy

How many people went on that anti-war march? A million. We went to war. How many people went on the countryside march? 400,000. And fox hunting was still banned. The Government's not interested in the will of the people, particularly if it's just one pedantic long-haired old queen standing up in court saying, "Oh, I did 70 'coz it's logical."

Richard

You're absolutely right, speed limits on motorways can be a pain, and there's two solutions outlined for you. [points to James] A revolution... [points to Jeremy] ...or cubing people's heads. Alternatively, you could just... leave a bit earlier?

Jeremy

No, cube their heads!

Richard

Get up five minutes earlier.

Jeremy

I haven't got five minutes!

James

It's not five minutes anyway.

Jeremy

It's five minutes a day, if you have to commute-- anyone here from Leicestershire? Is anyone here? [a man puts his hand up] How did you get here--Jesus! [the camera centres on the man, who does indeed look like Jesus] Jesus is from Leicestershire! He is Jesus! Come here, Jesus! Come and join me!

Jeremy

Congratulations for--

Thank you.

Jeremy

It's slightly bigger news than the M1, but nevertheless, we'll gloss over the Second Coming... do you commute on that bit of road?

No, I go the back way.

Jeremy

Because of that [the roadworks]?

Yeah.

Jeremy

So how much is it adding to your transport every day?

Uhh... about ten minutes, quarter of an hour.

Jeremy

Ten minutes a day? That's--

I ride a donkey each way.

Jeremy

Each way, five days a week?

Yeah.

Jeremy

So that's an hour and forty minutes a week the Government is stealing from Jesus!

That's right.

Richard

Now that is a small point, that--

Jeremy

Thank you for sharing that with us.

Jeremy

Gordon Brown is stealing an hour and forty minutes from Jesus!

Jeremy

Now, I don't know the papers this week, but a woman had a baby, while on her way to hospital in a Kia, OK? Now they've called the baby....Kia. [growing laughter from the audience]

Richard

Could've been worse, it could've been Proton! [laughter]

Jeremy

Because these people, called their baby Kia, Kia, the people who make the cars have actually given them a Kia car. We've got a picture of the handover [image is displayed on screen]. Now this brings onto a very important Top Gear Top Tip. If you're on your way to hospital, in labour and you're in a Kia, for God's sake get out! [laughter from Richard and the audience]

Richard

Let the child be christened 'Skip', 'Bus Stop', 'Phone Box', anything, just get out.

Jeremy

I christen this child, 'Doorway of Curries'. Because at lease you'd get a free microwave and not a hideous car like that!