Jeremy Clarkson quotes from Top Gear

Jeremy

Well there's a Top Gear top tip right there. If you're a 17 year old boy and need car insurance, slice your penis off.

Richard

I would've done.

James

I did. [Richard and Jeremy laugh out loudly]

James

Yup. I nearly did.

Richard

[Narrating] And then, a geography teacher arrived.

James

God above, I thought that was one of the teachers!

Richard

[Laughing as Jeremy gets out of his car] I'm sorry, I'm 17, "Happy birthday, son!" [Richard fakes crying for a moment]

Jeremy

[Completely serious] Perfect car for any 17-year-old.

Richard

Why?

Jeremy

Why?

Richard

Yes!

Jeremy

My turbo!

Richard

It is a low-pressure turbo.

Jeremy

[To James] What have you got?

James

I've got a Golf.

Jeremy

Has it got a turbo?

James

No.

Richard

[Talking about his own car] They did do a turbo--

Jeremy

What is that?

Richard

That's a Hyundai S-coupé, and they did do a turbo.

James

Not on this one.

Richard

No, not on this particular one.

Jeremy

So you turn up, at the school, here's my turbo. There's another very important issue that we must address: The most precious thing in your life, your child, speaking as a parent, is sitting in that seat, yes?

Yes.

Jeremy

[Indicating the hood] Look at the amount of metal between him and the tree he will inevitably hit!

James

[Reading from the first challenge card] You must now imagine that you are 17...

Jeremy

Yes.

James

...and modify your cars accordingly, in order to do what any 17-year-old boy wants to do: attract girls!

Richard

[Laughing at Jeremy] You've had it! Well look at your beige Volvo!

Jeremy

Just--get on...

James

[Continuing] Your budget is whatever you have left from your original £2,500.

Jeremy

[To James] So how much have you got?

James

300 quid.

Jeremy

[To Richard] You?

Richard

500 quid! You?

Jeremy

...naught.

Richard

Can I just point out before we do move on, if you do decide to put yourself on your parents' insurance, and you have a crash, and the insurance company find out that it was really your car...

Jeremy

Which they will if it's got a body kit on it. Or even half a body kit. [part of Hammond's body kit had fallen off in an earlier challenge]

Richard

Alright, whatever. The point is, if the insurance company find out that it really was your car after all, they won't pay out. And then they can prosecute you, and then you might have to go to jail. And then one day you'll be in the showers and a big, strange man will come and-

Jeremy

[interrupting] Oookayy! Okay...

James

Why would the Koreans nuke Hammersmith?

Jeremy

They used American guidance systems?

Jeremy

You alright?

Jeremy

[mournfully] Dead.

James

Really?

Jeremy

Yeah... [sniffs] Yeah. Anyway, er...

James

Back to the studio.

Jeremy

[indignantly] That's my line!

Richard

[gently] Luckily, children, I got better; you may not be so lucky.

James

[also gently] Yes, it's like my penis: that grew back. Yours might not.

Richard

This is consumer advice as well, so...

Jeremy

[frustrated] SHUT UUUUUP!

Jeremy

Guys! Problem!

James

What?

Jeremy

I've shoved my anarchy flag through my water lilo!

Richard

Nobody's ever said that before.

Richard

And now we must do the news, and starting off with Citroën, they've made a new C3, here it is, and... well, it's a Citroën, it looks like that, but the most important thing about it is, for this car, they've invented a new word.

Jeremy

Word?

Richard

They've actually, they've put it in their publicity material for it, and it's, it's "visiodrive". They confess they've made that up, it's a whole... new word! Visio... drive.

Jeremy

I'm sort of sympathetic.

Richard

Why?

Jeremy

Because none of the words you would normally use to describe a Citroën would work very well in their own publicity blurb, would they? Like... "flimsy".

Jeremy

As men, we all know that you should never, ever buy a woman something with a plug on it. Yeah? We know that.

James

I did.

Jeremy

What?

James

I did.

Jeremy

You bought your girlfriend an electrical appliance.

James

Yeah, I got her a power drill.

Richard

James! James, she's a ballet correspondent.

James

Well, that's what she wanted! She said "I want that power drill," so I got it for her!

Jeremy

No, she said that, James, but - do you know nothing? Women say they want a power drill, but they don't, they want soap. Women always - they do!

James

Yeah, but it's impossible to buy soap for a woman.

Richard

Eh? No, hang on, soap's soap. You can't -

Jeremy

Oho!

James

Hah!

Jeremy

Whoa ho! Did you hear that, girls? "Soap is soap."

Richard

Well, it is! It's just -

Jeremy

Go on, then, buy your wife some Swarfega.

Richard

Well, that's great! That's an effective cleaning agent! She'd be chuffed, I'm sure!

Jeremy

However. The worst thing you would ever have to buy, ever have to buy a girl is a handbag.

Richard

That's pretty bad.

Jeremy

Because, even if by some miracle you got the right colour, it would be the wrong shape, it wouldn't have the right number of pockets, it would be last season's handbag-

James

Is there a season for handbags?

Jeremy

Did you hear? Is...oh yes!

James

What, there's certain times of the year I can shoot handbags and it's okay?

Richard

Yep.

Jeremy

No, the fact is, okay, my wife has a handbag; I kid you not, it is this big. [holds up paper cup] And in it, she'll go, "I've lost my mobile phone! Ring it! Ring it, ring it! And you'll say, "If it's in there, you must be able to see it-", "I can't see it!"

Richard

Given that we are made of ... what percentage of us is water?

Jeremy

98%.

James

Or less.

Richard

Water that evaporates. So what we are breathing is each other...

Jeremy

Gordon, if you're watching, and you're probably not, if you go to set these ridiculous, er, heatwave level alerts...what was it we got up to?

Sixty-two.

Jeremy

[continuing his speech] ...Sixty-two degrees is your bottom.

Richard

Yeah, it gets a bit toasty...

Jeremy

A bit uncomfortable.

Richard

How about that?

Jeremy

Yeah.

James

Actually, Gordon, there's something else I've discovered in that test, if you're watching. And that is... I know when I'm too hot.

Jeremy

I don't need the Government to tell me to have a drink of water and put suncream on. Leave - us - alone!

Jeremy

Oh, that is a miserable-looking dog.

Richard

Aww! It's making me sad just looking at him!

James

[indignantly] That's his normal face!

Jeremy

That's the saddest-looking spectacle I've ever seen, and it's your fault. If you're from the RSPCA, write to us at 'James May is a Bastard, BBC Top Gear, London'.

Jeremy

What do we want?!

ASTON MARTINS!

Jeremy

When do we want them?!

NOW!

James

I like that stripe so much I'd be prepared to buy the whole car just to get it.

Jeremy

Just for the stripe. Can I just offer one word of warning to anyone who's thinking of buying a Gallardo? James, for you, okay? Have you seen this?

Richard

That's...that's a burning Gallardo.

Jeremy

Yeah; have you seen this?

Richard

That's a burning Gallardo.

Jeremy

Yeah, I know; have you seen this?

Richard

That's a burning Gallardo.

Jeremy

I know, but have you seen this?

Richard

That's a burning Gallardo.

Jeremy

What about this?

Richard

Er, burning Gallardo.

Jeremy

What about this?

Richard

[laughing] That'd be a burning Gallardo! That's ridiculous!

James

So I go into the dealer and I say "I'd like a Lamborghini, can I have one that's not on fire?"

Jeremy

Thing is, though, I have to say, this is what makes driving a Lamborghini so exciting; you drive in a normal car, and it's not on fire.