Jeremy Clarkson quotes from Top Gear

Jeremy

Now, can I just move on, 'cause films, you're a bit of a buff I gather.

I am a bit.

Jeremy

Star Wars, in particular.

Yeah absolutely.

Jeremy

Did you not once write a three-and-a-half thousand word essay on why you thought C3PO was gay?

And you could argue that C3PO is a kind of emasculated homosexual. Because he's very camp, but he was safe because he didn't have a willy.

Jeremy

Homosexual men have willies.

He's sexually non-threatening.

Jeremy

Graham Norton's got a willy.

How do you know?

James

I had mine cut last week and you said having a hair cut on the studio day was "gay".

Jeremy

I said you should spend more than four pounds on a hair cut James, that's what I actually said.

James

So why didn't you?

Jeremy

Read it and weep! 2 minutes 57!

Richard

Jeremy... the slowest wins.

Jeremy

Rubbish!

Richard

[to May] Hey.. you can tell Kristin Scott Thomas is coming into the studio as a guest today.

James

How?

Richard

[pointing at Jeremy] He's wearing a suit! Look at him.

Jeremy

[unconvincingly] All my jeans are in the wash.

Richard

Oh, really. All of a sudden — 92 programs we've done, you've been in jeans. Now today when Kristin's coming in, they're all mucky.

James

I thought he was going for a job interview.

Jeremy

[trying to continue with the show] This Maserati—

James

[to Richard] He's had his hair cut as well..

Jeremy

I have had my hair cut, because it was too long.

James

I had mine cut last week and you said having a hair cut on the studio day was "gay".

Jeremy

I said you should spend more than four pounds on a hair cut James, that's what I actually said.

James

So why didn't you?

Jeremy

SHUT UP!

James

Now, you know that new law about kids under four foot five, they have to use booster seats in the car?

Jeremy

[pointing at Richard] He does.

Richard

Yes, all right. I just knew...

James

All right. People under four foot five have to use a booster seat in the car. Well, in North Yorkshire, the police say they cannot enforce that law, and d'you know why? They do not have the - [breaks up giggling] They do not have the legal - [breaks up giggling again]

Jeremy

I can't wait for this now. The legal... ?

James

Because they do not have - the legal right - to me-measure children!

Richard

Just measure them?

James

So if you see a policeman measuring your children, you think, "Quick, call the - oh."

Richard

So they'll have to do what they usually do, then, and just put up some new sort of camera by the road, to monitor children in cars and make sure they -

Jeremy

No, no, no, you can't video children. You ever been to a school sports day? You have to ask every parent there before you're allowed to take the camera out of the boot.

Richard

Well, go to your own kids' sports day, maybe they'll let you do it.

Jeremy

The leading bid at the moment is from an Egyptian consortium.

James

Carpets'll be nice.

Richard

Really, really elaborate. Really elaborate.

Jeremy

Yeah, and buying one is going to be interesting. You go down to "my brother's Abdel Martin shop".

James

[bad Egyptian accent] "For you, my friend... "

Jeremy

"... I make nice special price."

James

"Special price."

Richard

Oh... my God.

Jeremy

[proudly] It's a giant Panda! Never before bred in captivity.

Richard

[impressed] That is a big Panda.

Richard

What does this do?

James

No, don't pull that - !

Jeremy

[losing control of the Alfaab] Oh my GOD WHAT'S HAPPENED?!

James

Hammond's unlocked the steering!

Richard

Sorry!

James

You're in the wrong end, you idiot!

James

You pair of utter pillocks. You've ruined my car.

Jeremy

Where is the heater?

Richard

Well, that is a problem, because it - the engine, of course, is at the back, and the pipes, I - it hasn't got one!

Jeremy

You're the stupidest man I've ever met.

Jeremy

I had to lop seven feet out of the middle (to make it road-legal) but it is now quite nippy, 'cause it's only eight feet longer than a bus!

(to James May): Remember,earlier,when I was talking about circles? I mean,Harrods,I've seen it twice,I don't need to see it a third time.

James

It's time for a question, Just where is the greatest driving road in the world? Something that has the challenging bends, the fast straights, no traffic, the spectacular views, the lot.

Jeremy

[points to North America] Now it can't be there 'cause they're all doing five, [points to South America] can't be there 'cause they're all on drugs,[points to Africa] that's just full of ox, [points to Antarctica] Al Gore says that's gone so it's not likely to be down there, [points to Australia] that's full of spiders...

Richard

Jeremy!

Jeremy

[points to the Philippines] Signs here are full of gibberish, [points to mainland Asia] they're all communists, [points to the Middle East] can't go there 'cause the Americans will shoot you.

Richard

Nuh! Yes, thank you Jeremy! We obviously discussed this at length and we concluded that the best driving road in the world would probably be somewhere in continental Europe, or more precisely around here, [points to the Alps on a map of Europe] the Alps. Then we decided that the best thing to do would be to go there and see if we could find it.

James

You're not seriously suggesting that the British Coast Guard drove all the way up to Watford and set fire to our chairs, are you?

Jeremy

No I'm not. I know who did this.

Richard

Who?

Jeremy

Fifth Gear.

Richard

D'you think they're a bit jealous?

Jeremy

Yeah. So please, really. Tiff, Vicki? Stop burning our things.

Richard

Yes.

Jeremy

Can I just say, the seats we used to have were from a Vauxhall Senator. So if anyone out there is watching and they have a Vauxhall Senator -

Richard

Well, hang on, you're gonna say "if you've got a Vauxhall Senator and you don't need the seats."

Jeremy

That's right. Uh, write to us at "I've got a Vauxhall Senator and I drive everywhere standing up," BBC Television, uh, London, wherever we are.

Jeremy

I love the way James has gone into that chair as though he belongs.

James

This is the Bentley Brooklands, It's a uh, it's a two-door um, um, what's the other one called that they make?

Jeremy

[laughing] Continental, Azure, Arnage...

Richard

My, we have been off for a while, haven't we...

Richard

Bentley say it's not a big deal? [looks mystified, shrugs] It's only one batch of nuts affected; it only affected, I've got it written down here, it only concerns the Arnage R. And the Arnage T. And the Arnage RL. And the Azure. So basically, pretty much all of the cars they make. And it's only those built between February '05... and August last year. That's a year and a half!

Jeremy

No, my favorite is, the government, OK, who actually run this recall, they say here, "If the bolts do become loose, this would in all probability be noticeable to the driver."

Richard

Yes it would.

Jeremy'

"... As there would be a considerable mechanical knocking noise."

Richard

What, when a wheel comes off?

Jeremy

And sparks. And [pantomimes being in a rolling car] sky road sky road ditch.

Richard

[pantomimes driving] "Dear, I think there might be something wrong with the car!"

Richard

...it is time to do, the Cool Wall!

Richard

Unfortunately, the Cool Wall was one of the major casualties in our fire, but we will persevere.

Jeremy

Yes we will, and we're going to kick off with this! [pulling a fire-damaged picture from a box]

Richard

Is it a Golf?

Jeremy

No, it looks more an Alfa...

Jeremy

What do you think that is?

It's an Audi.

Jeremy

How empty is your life, that you are able to determine that this is an Audi from that photograph...

James

I've seen you (Jeremy) multi-task whilst driving.

Richard

No, you can't talk about that on telly, mate.

Jeremy

That isn't in the highway code: Wank!

Richard

[Laughs] Does it say anything about wanking in your Lambo?

Jeremy

Sometimes, on long journeys, there's nothing else to do!