[From the unedited news]
Although it gives me an idea, 'cause we've got our track here; why don't we have track days, but instead of getting caught up on how fast you go round and all that, we just let people smoke while they're driving.
JeremyOr put their make-up on.
Or use their mobile phone. All the stuff you want to do.
Jeremy
Or eat a pie.
Jeremy
And have a wank. [Whilst making masturbation gestures] I'm going round the Hammerhead now!
Ahh, none of that's going on the telly!
I love the Porsche. But, the thing is, I still don't understand why it's 15,000 more for the RS Model.
Jeremy
I've got to say the same thing for my Lambo. I don't believe that I wouldn't have as much fun driving in a normal Gallardo.
Hang on. So we went on a driving holiday and all the cars were wrong?
Yes! We're back in business!
Jeremy
Top Gear: Ambitious, but rubbish! (Audience laughing) And more of that next week, see you then. Good night!
[Upon inspection of James' Aston Martin V8 Vantage N24]
James... that is just a racing car!
Jeremy
It hasn't got anything in it at all! It doesn't even have a passenger seat!
This isn't just some road car Porsche with a bit of scaffolding in the back. It's two hundred and fifty kilograms lighter than the standard car! That's the weight of a big motorcycle.
So, you've got no radio...
Jeremy
You've got no carpets.
Jeremy
James, you have got a car with no air conditioning, in the south of France, in the middle of summer.
It's better than that! His windows don't open!
Jeremy
[laughing]
[Richard drops his Porsche pipe]
I've spun off in me Porsche, look at that!
Jeremy
Mine won't start properly.
No, of course it won't. It's a Porsche, persevere.
[Jeremy puts the wrong end of his pipe in his mouth]
No, what are you doing, man! No! Other way round, you - ah!
Jeremy
It's a 911 Porsche, hot bit goes at the back.
[To Jeremy] You don't look right with that, but have you noticed [clears throat] over my shoulder? [Indicates May, who looks like he's enjoying a quiet day in the smoking room of a Victorian gentlemen's club.]
[...]
[Using his pipe to point at Hammond] I'll tell you something...
I haven't actually got anything to tell you, but I just wanted to point at you with my pipe, like pipe smokers. [Points with his pipe at Clarkson] And I'll tell you something else.
[Clarkson burns his tongue with his pipe]
Jeremy
Oh God!
[Richard, James and audience laugh]
Jeremy
That's not gone well!
[Due to the lit tobacco on his tongue, it rather sounded like 'Dat's not gonn woll!', causing even more laughter.]
Jeremy... hold on! Jeremy...
Jeremy
'Cube we a winit. ["'Scuse me a minute" with burning tobacco in his mouth.]
[Clarkson gets up and goes off-camera to spit out the tobacco, amid audience hilarity, then returns to his seat giggling helplessly.]
Can I - can I just get quite clear, what you just did as a grown man was light a pipe and put the wrong end of it in your mouth.
[Clarkson is still cracking up and can't answer him.]
What're you like on Bonfire Night? You bloody idiot.
[After James' Triumph Herald sank for the final time]
James' Herald was now beyond repair, fortunately, Jeremy was on hand to comfort him.
Jeremy
YOU'VE FAILED!!
[Revs engine and splashes James with water]
CGCoast Guard pilot over radio
Please state your intentions.
Jeremy
Our intentions are to cross the Channel faster than Beardy Branson.
CGCoast Guard pilot over radio
In that case, I wish you the best of luck.
Imagine if you will that you've bought a Bugatti Veyron. It's a big investment! You'd be very excited about the day it was to be arriving. So you'd imagine such a thing would be delivered, you know, on like a golden carriage on a bed of swan's feathers. It's a special moment in your life.
Jeremy
I'd want mine borne aloft by sixteen greased, naked eunuchs. That's what I'd want.
Whatever, the point is, that's the sort of thing you'd expect. It's a big moment. In Russia they do things a little bit differently. Here is one, being transported... [photo of a Veyron on the back of a grubby, industrial Russian truck] There's your Bugatti. [bad Russian accent] "I've brought your Bugatti, sir, it is here!" What, it's on a flatbed pickup!
Jeremy
[also in bad Russian accent] Great success!
That's a disappointment in your life.
[Talk about Lamborghini Reventón.]
Anyway, it has a 6.5L V12.
Jeremy
B12.
Yep, whatever. It can do two hun...
Jeremy
whateber.
Please stop that, it's very annoying. It can do 220 miles per..
Jeremy
bery annoying.
[Ending their feature of the Reventón]
Jeremy
Couple of problems: One, they're only making twenty and only one's coming to Britain; the other thing is, eight hundred thousand pounds!
Yep, that is quite a lot...
Jeremy
Hmmn... But with this, you would get a lot of badge.
Badge? (ponders, then realizes...)... Oh! V-NO! No no no.
Jeremy
Think I got away with that. So!
[After James drives off without Jeremy and Richard]
Jeremy
He may be mechanically confident, but he has just turned right. Into...
Jeremy
Yes, Zimbabwe, which is where, I should point out, the BBC is not allowed.
[James' car is seen driving hastily away in the other direction, prompting laughter]
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
