Jeremy Clarkson quotes from Top Gear

Richard

We weren't trying to set records, I just wanted to go really, really fast.

Jeremy

So you did 314 mph?

Richard

Yeah.

Jeremy

And you wanted to know what it was like to go really fast?

Richard

Yeah.

Jeremy

So you'd found out. Why didn't you just get into your car and go home?

Richard

I don't know really. The thing is, that run that you just saw, that was at 5 o'clock, and we had the runway until 5:30, and... [general laughter]

Jeremy

(voiceover) At 4 am, there were still 700 yards to go, and the men were flagging. So, I brought out the motivational big gun.

(over loudspeakers) ...another winter of discontent.

Richard

This is... Thatcher? To motivate the men?

Jeremy

This is going well.

(over loudspeakers) ...and I hope it will be followed by a winter of common sense.

James

Yes! I like that one! (applauds)

Richard

Don't, you'll encourage him!

Jeremy

(voiceover) The chaps, however, were not Telegraph readers like James. So I promised them that the sooner they finished laying, the sooner I'd switch her off.

Jeremy

You went to art school--you should be good at this.

Richard

Did you go to art school?

Jeremy

No I didn't.

Richard

Then you wouldn't know. All you do at art school is drink and pursue women.

What does it symbolize?

Jeremy

The Audi?

Yes.

Jeremy

It symbolises... [pause] freedom...? [making reference to the film Braveheart] freedom...! like that.

Jeremy

It's $2900 this. It's a big ask to get him down to a thousand. I might offer him a burger...

Jeremy

Very popular with murderers, these cars.

Yeah.

Jeremy

[To the car dealer] How much murdering goes on here?

A lot. If you go one mile away from here- if you go to any street-

Jeremy

I'll be murdered.

Yeah. Everybody up here, they got guns. Including me. Wanna see? [Pulls out a gun]

Jeremy

He's not joking!

It's real- here- [takes out the magazine, hands the gun to Jeremy]

Jeremy

[takes the gun] Now, you see, I wasn't ready for that.

Welcome to United States.

Jeremy

[to camera] This is his other gun. [To the dealer] That's not a shotgun Robert, that's a rifle.

Yeah, that's a rifle. The Shotgun is... somewhere else. I don't know.

Jeremy

You need this if you're going to be a car salesman?

The guy right here, If you go two blocks down here, he got shot 5 times.

Jeremy

Why, by someone buying a car?

He killed the guy.

Jeremy

HE killed the guy?

He killed the guy.

Jeremy

So why have you got telescopic sights on here?

Because if they go far away you just shoot them. You saw the movie, John Wayne? The guy is runnning all the way, like 500 feet, and phyw! You shoot him right there.

Jeremy

Hammond.

Richard

Yes, Jeremy, How're you doing?

Jeremy

Just been told by my new best friend- Robert, the Persian- if you go beyond 79th street you will definitely be murdered.

Richard

[looks panicked] What?

Jeremy

Good bye. [hangs up]

Jeremy

[Over the CB radios] Brokeback, Brokeback. This is Murderer.

Richard

This is Brokeback to Murderer and the Captain.

Jeremy

[Shot of Jeremy, looking confused as the sound that spews out of the CB radio is entirely indecipherable] I wonder why these CB radios never caught on...

James

Breaker breaker One-Nine Contact Eyeball Ten Ten 'till we do it again Captain Slow.

Richard

He's there! [Points out the window to James' car] He's there and I can't understand him!

With the artwork gone, we hit the road...hard.

Jeremy

I'm doing something I'd never thought I would do. I am running for the border.

James

God in heaven, that was actually frightening.

Richard

They could've killed us!

Jeremy

They really do have an irony deficiency here. I can honestly believe that in certain parts of America now, people have started to mate with vegetables.

Jeremy

How can you get... there's no wild tortoises here.

Richard

Well, they gotta be somewhere.

Jeremy

It's escaped from some 8-year-old girl's bedroom.

Richard

How can a tortoise escape? [pretends to chase a tortoise in slow motion] Come back! Come back!

Jeremy

What we've got to do now is...

Richard

...peel it.

Jeremy

Tonight: One small stumble for man as we build a space shuttle; I drive a nuclear bomb disguised as a Mercedes; and Simon Pegg makes a hot fuzz in our Reasonably-Priced Car.

[timidly] Help!

Jeremy

... It's like David Attenborough. I respect David Attenborough, I mean just, infinite respect, in the same way I respect that car. But I have no passion for him; I don't want to make love to him.

Richard

Yeah but... [audience laughing] But I have respect and passion for the 911.

Jeremy

There you are, you just admitted on television that you wanna make love to David Attenborough.

Richard

It's possibly the ultimate 911.

Jeremy

In the same way that Ebola is the ultimate tropical disease, [Pointing to the 911 roll cage] what's all that scaffolding in the back?

Richard

Well, it's a roll cage.

Jeremy

No, I'm sorry. If I see scaffolding around a building, I'll go Oh look, they haven't finished that yet. I'm sorry, I'm gonna say that's not finished.

Jeremy

[Reading from a paper] The BBC is committed to reducing the risks from this activity (driving). They are making it sound like masturbation.

James

Stop driving or you'll go blind.

Jeremy

Exactly!

Jeremy

What's the primary hazard facing drivers when driving at night? Anybody want to hazard a guess at that? No hang on, this is [straining to hear an answer from the audience] go on, what? Dark. Anything else?

Germans!

Jeremy

Germans.

Richard

These are all valid, valid points.

Jeremy

None of these things are on my list, anybody else got any thoughts?

Peasants!

Peasants.

Jeremy

No. It's, um, glare from other vehicles' headlamps. Cyclists in dark clothing; it's their own fault for not working hard enough, not having a car.