[During the opening sequence.]
Tonight: One small stumble for man as we build a space shuttle; I drive a nuclear bomb disguised as a Mercedes; and Simon Pegg makes a hot fuzz in our Reasonably-Priced Car.
[timidly] Help!
“February 18th, 2007” · Season 9, Episode 4
In this episode: Jeremy Clarkson (9), Richard Hammond (5), James May (3), Simon (2)
[Talking about Porsches vs Ferrarris]
... It's like David Attenborough. I respect David Attenborough, I mean just, infinite respect, in the same way I respect that car. But I have no passion for him; I don't want to make love to him.
Yeah but... [audience laughing] But I have respect and passion for the 911.
There you are, you just admitted on television that you wanna make love to David Attenborough.
[News about Porsche 911, continued from the earlier discussion...]
It's possibly the ultimate 911.
In the same way that Ebola is the ultimate tropical disease, [Pointing to the 911 roll cage] what's all that scaffolding in the back?
Well, it's a roll cage.
No, I'm sorry. If I see scaffolding around a building, I'll go Oh look, they haven't finished that yet. I'm sorry, I'm gonna say that's not finished.
[Still on the Porsche 911, after Hammond explained the intricacies of using it in daily life]
So in the real world my 1.2 litre Fiat Panda is faster to the shops.
No mate, it's just not.
Because I've got to put the seatbelt on once. You have got to do it six times.
OK, I've got to do that and wait whilst you put your seatbelts on and then go through all your preflight checks, and make sure all the airvents are all in the same direction. [audience laughing]
[About the BBC requiring all its employees to take a safe driving course]
[Reading from a paper] The BBC is committed to reducing the risks from this activity (driving). They are making it sound like masturbation.
Stop driving or you'll go blind.
Exactly!
[Reading some of the questions from the safe driving course]
"You have a blowout on the motorway..." - one for you here, Hammond! (referring to 9.1 where Hammond crashed)
[Reading the third (or maybe last) question from the safe driving course]
What's the primary hazard facing drivers when driving at night? Anybody want to hazard a guess at that? No hang on, this is [straining to hear an answer from the audience] go on, what? Dark. Anything else?
GIGuy in the audience
Germans!
[Audience laughs]
Germans.
These are all valid, valid points.
None of these things are on my list, anybody else got any thoughts?
AGAnother guy in the audience
Peasants!
BBoth (laughing)
Peasants.
No. It's, um, glare from other vehicles' headlamps. Cyclists in dark clothing; it's their own fault for not working hard enough, not having a car.
[To Simon Pegg in the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car interview]
Now, can I just move on, 'cause films, you're a bit of a buff I gather.
I am a bit.
Star Wars, in particular.
Yeah absolutely.
Did you not once write a three-and-a-half thousand word essay on why you thought C3PO was gay?
[Simon giving his explanations]
And you could argue that C3PO is a kind of emasculated homosexual. Because he's very camp, but he was safe because he didn't have a willy.
Homosexual men have willies.
He's sexually non-threatening.
Graham Norton's got a willy.
How do you know?
[Jeremy is now at a loss of words, at which point the audience laughs]
[on the Stig]
Some say that if you lick his chest, it tastes exactly the same as piccalilli, and that at this week's Brit awards, he was arrested for goosing Russell Brand... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
[on the Brabus-tuned SL65]
Here we are, if you want it, with proof, that absolute power really does corrupt... absolutely.
[after the Reliant shuttle crashed and exploded]
That's why...
How are we going to use it again?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.