[Jeremy Clarkson did not speak during the opening sequence of this episode.]
“October 7th, 2007” · Season 10, Episode 1
In this episode: Jeremy Clarkson (15), Richard Hammond (10), James May (8)
It's time for a question, Just where is the greatest driving road in the world? Something that has the challenging bends, the fast straights, no traffic, the spectacular views, the lot.
[Jeremy walks up to a world map]
[points to North America] Now it can't be there 'cause they're all doing five, [points to South America] can't be there 'cause they're all on drugs,[points to Africa] that's just full of ox, [points to Antarctica] Al Gore says that's gone so it's not likely to be down there, [points to Australia] that's full of spiders...
Jeremy!
[points to the Philippines] Signs here are full of gibberish, [points to mainland Asia] they're all communists, [points to the Middle East] can't go there 'cause the Americans will shoot you.
Nuh! Yes, thank you Jeremy! We obviously discussed this at length and we concluded that the best driving road in the world would probably be somewhere in continental Europe, or more precisely around here, [points to the Alps on a map of Europe] the Alps. Then we decided that the best thing to do would be to go there and see if we could find it.
[Jeremy on the VW Golf GTi W12]
My biggest problem with it is that I can't see the point of saying "I've got a supercar and the great thing is it looks like a Golf." That's like saying "I'm married to a supermodel and the great thing is she looks like a traffic warden."
[on the Stig.]
Some say that his scrotum has its own small gravity field, and that because our producer rigged a phone vote, he now has a new name. All we know is, he's called Cuddles.
[on the concept Golf GTI W12, during the Stig's lap]
No CD today, because predictably, the CD player doesn't work.
So! Top Gear top tip: Ah, if you want a slow car that looks like a Golf... get a Golf.
You're not seriously suggesting that the British Coast Guard drove all the way up to Watford and set fire to our chairs, are you?
No I'm not. I know who did this.
Who?
Fifth Gear.
[...]
D'you think they're a bit jealous?
Yeah. So please, really. Tiff, Vicki? Stop burning our things.
Yes.
Can I just say, the seats we used to have were from a Vauxhall Senator. So if anyone out there is watching and they have a Vauxhall Senator -
Well, hang on, you're gonna say "if you've got a Vauxhall Senator and you don't need the seats."
That's right. Uh, write to us at "I've got a Vauxhall Senator and I drive everywhere standing up," BBC Television, uh, London, wherever we are.
[on Top Gear's new seating]
I love the way James has gone into that chair as though he belongs.
This is the Bentley Brooklands, It's a uh, it's a two-door um, um, what's the other one called that they make?
[laughing] Continental, Azure, Arnage...
My, we have been off for a while, haven't we...
[on the recall of several Bentley models for wheel nuts that could come loose while the car's being driven]
Bentley say it's not a big deal? [looks mystified, shrugs] It's only one batch of nuts affected; it only affected, I've got it written down here, it only concerns the Arnage R. And the Arnage T. And the Arnage RL. And the Azure. So basically, pretty much all of the cars they make. And it's only those built between February '05... and August last year. That's a year and a half!
No, my favorite is, the government, OK, who actually run this recall, they say here, "If the bolts do become loose, this would in all probability be noticeable to the driver."
Yes it would.
"... As there would be a considerable mechanical knocking noise."
What, when a wheel comes off?
And sparks. And [pantomimes being in a rolling car] sky road sky road ditch.
[pantomimes driving] "Dear, I think there might be something wrong with the car!"
...it is time to do, the Cool Wall!
[the camera reveals the fire-damaged Cool Wall]
Unfortunately, the Cool Wall was one of the major casualties in our fire, but we will persevere.
Yes we will, and we're going to kick off with this! [pulling a fire-damaged picture from a box]
Is it a Golf?
No, it looks more an Alfa...
[Jeremy approaches an audience member]
What do you think that is?
MMan
It's an Audi.
[Jeremy closely examines the picture]
How empty is your life, that you are able to determine that this is an Audi from that photograph...
[From the unedited news]
I've seen you (Jeremy) multi-task whilst driving.
No, you can't talk about that on telly, mate.
That isn't in the highway code: Wank!
[Laughs] Does it say anything about wanking in your Lambo?
Sometimes, on long journeys, there's nothing else to do!
[From the unedited news]
Although it gives me an idea, 'cause we've got our track here; why don't we have track days, but instead of getting caught up on how fast you go round and all that, we just let people smoke while they're driving.
Or put their make-up on.
Or use their mobile phone. All the stuff you want to do.
Or eat a pie.
Yeah! Round our track.
Yeah! Yeah! And speed!
And have a wank. [Whilst making masturbation gestures] I'm going round the Hammerhead now!
Ahh, none of that's going on the telly!
[haltingly consulting the instruction manual of his Lamborghini Gallardo Superleggera, which is in Italian] Consola centrale con... interatore aperture sportello... rifornimento. [translating] "We are useless Italians and we haven't built this properly."
So, the cars. James?
NO.
I love the Porsche. But, the thing is, I still don't understand why it's 15,000 more for the RS Model.
I've got to say the same thing for my Lambo. I don't believe that I wouldn't have as much fun driving in a normal Gallardo.
Hang on. So we went on a driving holiday and all the cars were wrong?
Yes! We're back in business!
Top Gear: Ambitious, but rubbish! (Audience laughing) And more of that next week, see you then. Good night!
[After Richard's narration in the opening scenes]
Now obviously you can't go searching for the best driving road in the world, in a Japanese hatchback, or a people carrier. So what we thought we'd do is bring along a selection of the new generation, of lightened supercars.
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