Titus quotes from Titus

Tommy

I'm letting her out.

Go ahead.

Tommy

OWWW!

She might bite you.

It's 1 am in the morning[sic] in the desert. She's either a werewolf or an alien.

Ken

Maybe she came to our planet to see if there's life in my pants!

What's the worst thing you can do to a pretty woman?

Ken

Throw hot acid in her face.

Dad, more practical joke, less lifetime deformity.

Ken

I was talking hypothetically! I love Erin!

Why didn't you drag her out of there?

Ken

You don't drag a woman out of a strip club! You put a twenty in your zipper and you back out, slowly.

Dad, you know she can't work in a place like that. You should have done something.

Ken

All right, how much?

Something. Anything. Just get her the hell out of there.

Ken

Numbnuts, how much money do you want to keep her from working there?

"Numbuts"?

Ken

Erin is not going to work at that bar! I don't want to have to check every waitress' face before I pinch her behind. [opens his checkbook] Three grand?

What?

Ken

Five grand.

You know, you're amazing? My business is going under, you won't lend me money. I start drinking again, you don't lend me money. But my girlfriend makes you uncomfortable about staring at the nipples of disturbed ex-cheerleaders, and all of sudden you're willing to fork over five grand? Well, you know something, dad? I'll take it!

Dave, thank God you're not dead!

Dave

Well, no thanks to you. I was supposed to kill myself an hour ago.

I just got your suicide note. Maybe next time you shouldn't mail it!

This will be my third strike.

Erin

He'll go to prison for the rest of his life!

Get to the bad part!

We found this guy outside, hiding in a bush.

Dave

Please tell me they didn't find my secret stash of weed!

Dave!

Dave

I mean, my secret stash of... pot.

Where's my tux?

Tommy

Somebody's bringing it.

"Somebody" who?

Tommy

Nobody. Dave.

No!

Dave

[walking in with tux] "I'm getting married in five days." Well, lies, lies, LIES!

Where is all of this anger coming from?

Well, some of it's from my childhood. But a little of it is from you punching my mom in the face!

I don't want you here!

Erin

Amy, we've invited all your friends. It's gonna be a party!

It's gonna be a "Look, Amy lives in garbage!" party.

Exactly. It's got a theme.

Tommy

Oh, my God. "Daquilicious." "Skosh." I'm a homo!

*spit-take*

Hey, Dad, this is Roger. He just moved into the neighborhood.

Ken

Oh, that explains it. First time I ever saw a black man take a TV into a house.

A toy puppy! Thanks, Mom.

Aw, damn it. I forgot to put holes in the box. Well, play with it today, 'cuz tomorrow, it'll be hard.

I wish everybody had a mom like mine.

A mother who kills people?

Person. She killed one person. You make it sound like a hobby!