Titus quotes from Titus, page 4 ... TV Quotes Database

Titus

Most-quoted character in Titus: in 87 of its 132 quotes
Most scenes with: Ken Titus (15), Dave Titus (13), Erin Fitzpatrick (13)

Scenes with Titus 51

[Ken Titus is recovering from a heart attack.]

Ken

Jesus was laughing when I went into the light!

TTitus

He was laughing 'cause you were trying to get into heaven!

S2 E1 Titus is Dead

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NKNurse Kathy

Are you talking? Because I'm fine with you dying. The murderer has paid me through the end of the week.

TTitus

Whoa, whoa, whoa -- attempted murderer. And I would have pled it down to manslaughter. You don't even know the law, lady!

S2 E1 Titus is Dead

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TTitus

Dave, wake up. We've got to get our blood tested.

Dave

Is there something wrong with my sperm?

[Titus glares at Dave.]

TTitus

I'm sure of it.

S2 E2 The Test

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TTitus

Kathy will be my sixth mother, which means, here comes the "I hope I can give you what your other mothers couldn't" speech. Okay, Kathy, (holds up a wooden shield): show me what ya got!

(switch to the real world)

KKathy

I want you to know I'm on your side.

(switch to the Neutral Space. Titus still has his shield up)

TTitus

She's on my side. (ducks as an arrow hits the shield): Ooh, worked for Stepmom #2 and #4. Not today!

(switch to the real world)

KKathy

I know I can't be your mom, but I'd like to be your friend.

(switch to the Neutral Space. Titus still has the shield up)

TTitus

She can't be my mom, but she'd like to be my friend. (ducks as another arrow hits the shield): Oooh. My real mom said that.

(switch to the real world)

KKathy

Because you are such an upstanding young man. At least, that's what your dad says.

TTitus

What?

(switch to the Neutral Space. Titus lowers the shield)

TTitus

Dad said that? (the arrow hits Titus in the chest)

S2 E3 The Surprise Party

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TTitus

Dad has found a new way to screw with me. He told me he was "proud" of me.

Erin

Well it's about time he said that. You're great at what you do!

Dave

He got to her!

TTitus

Dave, she likes me.

Dave

[slyly] Oh, right.

S2 E4 What's Up Hollywood?

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Erin

Christopher, do you think we're doing the right thing? This place is like a prison.

TTitus

Well, Mom is like a criminal.

S2 E5 Locking Up Mom

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[The hospital doctors want to begin Juanita's hearing without Ken.]

JJuanita

He's probably stuck in traffic.

TTitus

[accusingly] Or in a mason jar.

Dave

Or something you put jam in!

[Titus stares at Dave.]

TTitus

Like a mason jar.

S2 E5 Locking Up Mom

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TTitus

Normal families had a junk drawer. Dad and I had an evidence locker. During show and tell, I always went last 'cuz nobody could follow me.

(flashback to Christopher standing in front of the classroom, playing one of Juanita's threatening voice messages from an answering machine as the teacher and a girl sitting in front cry their eyes out)

Juanita (from the answering machine): YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE THAT HOUSE IN A BODY BAG!

(the teacher sobs harder as Pre-Teen Christopher stops the recording)

PTPre-Teen Titus

My daddy calls it, "People's Exhibit A." (walks back to his desk, but stops by a boy's desk with a cage on it. To the boy): Let's see your crappy gerbil top that.

S2 E5 Locking Up Mom

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[Titus has shrieked after having his shoulder re-located]

Dave

Titus, this place is freaking me out. Did you just hear that little girl scream?

TTitus

[scoffing] Yeah, what's her deal?

S2 E6 The Perfect Thanksgiving

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[Tommy has misinterpreted Titus' instructions about running into an ex-girlfriend.]