Titus quotes from Titus

Tommy

Do you remember me, Mrs. Titus?

Of course, Tommy. Have you found a nice young man to settle down with?

Tommy

I'm not gay.

Oh. Then you're not the Tommy I knew.

George Washington crossed the Delaware River to get to the whores!

Dave

Delaware is famous for its whores.

Dad, what are we, German-Irish?

Ken

White. That's all that matters.

Erin

[offended] Papa Titus!

Ken

In society's eyes, I'm saying!

Dave

That's justice, Titus! Tree justice. The mighty oak strikes back!

It's a spruce!

You said I was the worst possible result of an orgasm!

Ken

You took that as an insult?

Erin

You want him to have your kind of fun. You need to go have his kind of fun.

[confused] You want me to rip myself a new one?

Erin

Isn't there something you always wanted from your dad?

A "do not resuscitate" order?

Tommy, I get it. I remember the first time I tried to stab my dad with a knife. Welcome to the family. (to Ken): You got this.

Ken

Yeah.

And that's what happened the first time I tried to stab my dad with a knife.

Do you know what my first thought was when I heard my mother killed herself?

Titus/Ken

Did she take anyone else out with her?

Erin

We can't plan a hijacking! Listen, we can't even plan a wedding.

Oh, we planned the wedding. We didn't plan on my mom killing her husband at the wedding. That was Mom's idea. She didn't know what to get us.

If you asked them to kill Gerald Ford, only two of them would do it.

Dave

So, he wants Ford dead...

I hate bullies!

Tommy

You're about to beat up a kid with a bat!

What's your point?