Titus quotes from Titus

Has anyone ever seen a cop that pissed off?

Besides Dave?

Don't screw Erin over. Because she hangs onto everything. She's exactly like Buddha. You know, if Buddha was vengeful, angry and laid down a whole lot of whoop-ass. So, the other Buddha.

Okay, Dad's not good at marriage, so I don't want him sitting next to...anybody. Erin's parents, gotta keep them separated. Marriage will make people do funny things, like suffer through 35 years of mutual hate and soul-torturing pain that can never be erased. (whispers): They're Catholic. [...] Okay, put Dave next to Erin's sister...no, that's a drug deal waiting to happen. We have Michael, Erin's brother...oh, great, now I have to invite cops.

(opening narration) Normal people who grow up with compassion never amount to anything. They're the ones who end up gluing those little dots on the highway, or putting glue on the dots for the guy who glues dots on the highway. But screwed-up people who weren't coddled or raised with compassion? Ho-ho! We get stuff done. Sure, we feel a little alone and abandoned, but we're (choked up) very happy. Why can't you love me, Daddy?!

Compassion is a disease, like polio, except compassion makes you nice, not withered and crutchy. I got vaccinated against compassion when I was eight, along with self-esteem and pride. Oh, and I got a booster shot for the ability to not stare at a dwarf.

"Losing builds character." You know who said that? A loser.

Shannon's got her own song. Dave and I shared a toothbrush for three years, but Shannon got her own song.

Being a superhero is hard work. You have to wear those rubber tights in the summer when it's hot. Ehh. You have to hide who you really are by pretending you're the caring, supportive boyfriend. You have to make sure that no one discovers the true identity of... Your-Dream-Is-Stupid Man!

Erin never does things halfway. You should see her eat ribs. She's like a dingo with a baby.

"To: Titus, From Dad". My dad's a new man. He learned that forgiveness is better than hate and vengeance. Next year, we'll teach him that heart attacks are not like women: you just can't keep having them.

Normal people fear the day their parents die. Screwed-up people fear the day their parents kill. My mom killed a guy. At our wedding. So, I can pretty much check that one off. But, she's my mom, and, no matter what she did, I can't just walk away from her. She gave me birth. She gave me love. She gave me the ability to make a cigarette fire look like it was started by the hot water heater.

My mom is mentally ill, so she and I have always watched out for each other. She saved me from bullies; I saved her from CIA hitmen, poisonous spoons, and border collies that scream at you with their eyes.

When you're raised by a mentally ill mother, you have to be a clutch player, because bad things happen really fast. You only get one chance to deflect the cops or one chance to ditch the landlord or one chance to make sure Mom doesn't choke on her own vomit -- well, well, one chance per time -- and you only get one chance to go back-to-school shopping before they take away the Goodwill bin.

Alzheimer's: a disease marked by the progressive loss of mental capacity. One minute, you're making breakfast for your grandkids; the next minute, you're holding pancakes up to your ears and going, "Hey, do these go with my house coat?"

Vodka and pills? (a beat): I told you to stay out of my Dad's earthquake kit.