SamCJ, we've been working on this commerce bill for three weeks, I hear you talk about the census all the time.
Sam
Well... I don't understand. How could you-
Sam
You've been faking it?
I've been playing it fast and loose there's no doubt about it, but sitting in on some of the meetings we've been having, and reading the briefing book last night, I have to say that the census is starting to sound to me like it's, well, important.
Sam
Ah-hah.
And, I've come to the realization that if I'm gonna be talking about it all week, it's probably best that I understand what I'm saying.
Sam
When?
Sam
When did you come to this realization?
Sam
Okay. Let's... I tell you what, let's forget the fact that you're coming a little late to the party and embrace the fact that you showed up at all.
[Josh and Sam have joined Charlie in confronting the guys who are hassling Zoe]
[Pressing Zoe's panic button] Yeah. You guys don't realize it, but you're having a pretty bad night.
G1Guy 1
[Sarcastic and aggressive] Oh really - and who's gonna give it to us, huh?
[The door slams open and Secret Service agents burst in]
[Josh and Sam raise their arms and point at the three guys]
SJSam and Josh
Right here!
[The agents grab the startled and protesting guys and force them head-first onto the bar whilst one grabs Zoe and guides her out protectively]
AAgent
Shut up! I swear to God I'll blow your head off. Everybody stand back.
G1Guy 1
[to Charlie] Hey, I ain't done with you Sammy.
My name is Charlie Young, jackass. And if that bulge in your pocket's an 8-ball of blow, you'll be spending Spring Break in a Federal Prison. [to Josh] Now I'm having a good time.
[at a Georgetown bar] Is everything all right, Zoey?
G2Guy 2
Hey. He just called her Zoey.
Come on, let's go back to the table.
G1Guy 1
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What's up Sammy?
[Zoey moves towards Charlie and the guys block her]
G1Guy 1
Excuse me. Excuse me. We're just trying to buy the girl a drink, man.
She's 19 years old man. You'd have to take her to Maryland.
G3Guy 3
Check out Super Fly.
G1Guy 1
No. Why don't you go? Alright?
Look guys. You don't know who this is. You don't want any trouble. Just be cool, alright?
Yeah. I'm just saying, I'm looking out for you.
G1Guy 1
I understand what you're saying. You just want me to be cool, alright?
Can I buy you guys a round?
G3Guy 3
Like LL Cool J man, like Ice-T.
G2Guy 2
Ice cube, Ice tray man.
...
G1Guy 1
Why don't you do some of that hip-hop for us G-Funk?
G2Guy 2
Dr. Huffy Puffy dread man, Dr Dolittle Man?
Would you let us by please?
G1Guy 1
No. What are you doing here with this girl? Huh? Huh? Cause you know what, to me you look to be Dr. Faggot!
Sam
[coming up from behind] Hey! What the hell is going on around here?
G1Guy 1
Who the hell are you?
Sam
Kiss my ass. Zoey?
G1Guy 1
Kiss your what, Fairy Poppins?
Sam
Charlie?
G1Guy 1
Hey, you want to go?
Sam
What?
G1Guy 1
You want to go? Let's do it. Right now. Come on.
[coming up from behind Charlie] How's everybody doin'?
G1Guy 1
Oh good, more fairy boys.
G1Guy 1
I said, more fairy boys.
Oh, this is too good to be true.
[Mallory and C.J. come up behind Josh and Sam]
G2Guy 2
[indicating Josh] Hey, I recognize this guy. [indicating Zoey] And she looks familiar too.
[Pressing Zoey's panic button] Yeah. You guys don't realize it, but you're having a pretty bad night.
G1Guy 1
[Sarcastic and aggressive] Oh really - and who's gonna give it to us, huh?
[The door slams open and Secret Service agents burst in]
[Josh and Sam raise their arms and point at the three guys]
SJSam and Josh
Right here!
[The agents grab the startled and protesting guys and force them head-first onto the bar whilst one grabs Zoey and guides her out protectively]
AAgent
Shut up! I swear to God I'll blow your head off. Everybody stand back.
G1Guy 1
[to Charlie] Hey, I ain't done with you, Sammy.
My name is Charlie Young, jackass. And if that bulge in your pocket's an 8-ball of blow, you'll be spending Spring Break in a federal prison. [to Josh] Now I'm having a good time.
Sam
You're asking me out on a date.
No, I'm asking you to accompany me to see an internationally renowned opera company perform a work indigenous to its culture.
Sam
Right, and in what way will it distinguish itself from a date?
There will be, under no circumstances, sex for you at the end of the evening.
Sam
Right.
Sam
Well, like most people I'm an absolute nut for Chinese opera. The Chinese being known the world over for their soaring and romantic melodies, and what with your guarantee that there won't be sex, I don't see how I could say no.
He said one in three White House staffers are on drugs?
Where does he get these stats?
I mean where does he pull them from?
Out of the clear blue sky, but that doesn't matter!
[to Margaret] Is someone bringing me a tape on this?
This isn't happening to me.
Nothing's happened, stay cool.
Sam
[walks in] Is it possible for Peter Lillianfield to be a bigger jackass? You think if he tried hard, there's room for him to be a slightly bigger horse's ass than he's being right now?
At some point you hit your head on the ceiling, don't you?
Sam
I think there's unexplored potential.
Five White House staffers in the room. I would like to say to the 1.6 of you who are stoned right now that it's time to share.
What's your secret service code name?
Sam
They just changed them.
Sam
Princeton.
Sam
It's nice.
Sam
Flamingo is a nice looking bird.
The flamingo is a ridiculous looking bird.
Sam
You're not ridiculous looking.
I know I'm not ridiculous looking.
Sam
Any way for me to get out of this conversation?
I'm gonna go talk to someone.
Sam
Excellent.
Exactly what I asked you not to do.
You went and saw Sam's friend?
Sam
How'd you know?
Sam
Why did you have us tailed?
On the off chance that you're as stupid as you look. Whose idea was this?
It was mine. Sam was a reluctant accomplice. You had us tailed?
Sam
She didn't give us anything.
It's not what we do, Josh.
Sam
That may be true, but still...
Sam
Yes, sir.
You should apologize to that girl for even asking.
Sam
I did.
Sam
Yes, sir.
Like I'm not gonna have enough problems without the Keystone Cops.
Is that supposed to mean something to me?
Sam
It's Christmas Eve.
What, the country isn't open Christmas Eve?
Sam
Fair point.
There's an India expert I want to bring in.
[Bartlet looks at him pointedly.]
You guys are gonna love him.
Sam
Who?
Lord John Marbury, former ambassador to New Delhi from the Court of Saint James.
Sam
Where do we find him?
A psychiatric institution.
You're really gonna let him loose in the White House, where there's liquor and women?
We can hide the women. But the man deserves a drink.
The West Wing · 913 quotes
