Sam Seaborn quotes from The West Wing

Leo

He's driving from Nova Scotia to Washington?

Sam

Yeah.

Leo

How's a person do that?

Sam

Oh, my guess is, he'll take the Trans-Canada Highway to New Brunswick, then maybe catch the 1 and take the scenic route along the coast of Maine. 95 through New Hampshire to the Mass Pike, and then cut over to the Merritt Parkway round Milford.

Toby

Something really kinda freakish about you, you know that?

Sam

Mallory, everything that you're saying makes sense. I just think that the state of urban schools is such that if you can save even one kid...

Mallory

[stands] You can save more than one kid...

Sam

Tell me how.

Mallory

By asking Congress to approve, not just a little, but a lot more money for public education.

Mallory

What?

Sam

[stands] Public education has been a public policy disaster for 40 years. Having spent around four trillion dollars on public schools since 1965, the result has been a steady and inexorable decline in every measurable standard of student performance, to say nothing of health and safety. But don't worry about it, because the U.S. House of Representatives is on the case. I feel better already.

Mallory

[beat] Wow.

Sam

What?

Mallory

For a guy who's trying to date me, that was pretty snotty.

Sam

Well, hang on. These are office hours. If I'd known I was working on that I would have had a whole different attitude.

Mallory

He's in favor of school vouchers, Dad.

Leo

No, Mallory. He's really not.

Mallory

Yes, he is.

Leo

No, he's not.

Mallory

I read the position paper.

Leo

It's opposition prep.

Mallory

Opposition prep?

Leo

When we're gearing up for a debate, we have the smart guys take the other side.

Mallory

[to Sam] You stood there and argued with me.

Sam

Yes.

Mallory

Why?

Sam

You made an appointment.

Mallory

Sam...

Leo

Would the two of you take it outside?

Sam

I thought you were trying to drive a wedge between us.

Leo

Yeah, but now you're just boring the crap out of me.

Mallory

Hey...

Sam

Mallory, education is the silver bullet. Education is everything. We don't need little changes. We need gigantic revolutionary changes. Schools should be palaces. Competition for the best teachers should be fierce. They should be getting six-figure salaries. Schools should be incredibly expensive for government and absolutely free of charge for its citizens, just like national defense. That is my position. I just haven't figured out how to do it yet.

Leo

Listen up. Our ground game isn't working; we're gonna put the ball in the air. If we're gonna walk into walls, I want us running into them full-speed.

Josh

What are you saying?

Leo

Well, you can start by telling the Hill the President's named his nominees to the FEC. And we're gonna lose some of these battles. And we might even lose the White House. But we're not going to be threatened by issues: we're going to put 'em front and center. We're gonna raise raise the level of public debate in this country, and let that be our legacy. That sound alright to you Josh?

Josh

I serve at the pleasure of the President of the United States.

Leo

Yeah?

CJ

I serve at the pleasure of the President.

Sam

I serve at the pleasure of President Bartlet.

Leo

Toby?

Toby

I serve at the pleasure of the President.

Sam

Mandatory Minimums are racist.

Toby

I understand that.

Sam

They're a red herring.

Toby

I understand that, too.

Sam

It's a way of looking like you're tough on crime, without assuming the burden of being tough on crime.

Toby

Everything you've said I understand.

Sam

I'm saying...

Toby

We do things one thing at a time.

Sam

But I'm saying we don't have time to do things one thing at a time.

Toby

We're talking about treatment.

Sam

I'm talking about treatment and I'm talking about Mandatory Minimums and I'm saying it's a red herring and I'm saying it's racist.

Toby

When you talk to the President, I want you talking about treatment. I want you talking about treatment vs. enforcement and I don't want you to stray from that!

Sam

Toby, is this what you meant when you said, "Sam, you're completely in charge of this"?

Toby

Yes, I meant, you're in charge of this, in the sense that you're subordinate to me in every way.

Josh

Take it easy.

Sam

I won't take it easy! Give me the phone. I'm gonna call the Senator and I'm gonna tell him that he can shove his legislative agenda up his ass!

Josh

I've already done that.

Sam

I'll do it again.

Josh

You know what this is like? This is like The Godfather. When Pacino tells James Caan that he's gonna kill the cop. It's a lot like that scene, only not really.

Josh

It is like that scene. I'm James Caan. [to Sam] You're...you're Al Pacino.

Toby

Let's go.

Josh

Toby, you're the guy who shows Pacino how to make tomato sauce.

Bartlet

What do we do with him?

Sam

Make him the Ambassador to Paraguay.

Bartlet

What do we do with the Ambassador to Paraguay?

Sam

Make him Ambassador to Bulgaria.

Bartlet

I like this. Because, if everybody keeps moving up one, I can go home.

Bartlet

I looked at the Federated States of Micronesia. I can't fire our ambassador.

Toby

Why not?

Bartlet

Somebody's going to ask me why I fired him and I'm not gonna be able to come up with the answer they're looking for.

Toby

Well, Sam's got you covered.

Bartlet

How?

Sam

You're not going to fire the ambassador. You're going to promote him.

Bartlet

To what?

Sam

Ambassador to Paraguay.

Bartlet

And what happens to the ambassador of Paraguay?

Sam

You make him Ambassador to Bulgaria.

Bartlet

Hey, I like this. Of course, if everybody keeps moving up one, then I get to go home.

Bartlet

Good morning, everybody. Anybody know what the word 'acalculia' means?

Sam

It's the inability to perform arithmetic functions...I'm sorry, Mr. President. You wanted to answer your own question, didn't you?

Bartlet

Yeah, but I'll get over it.

Sam

Good for you, sir. That's very mature.

Bartlet

Shut up.

Sam

You're not over it yet, are you?

Sam

But for a brilliant surgical team and two centimeters of a miracle, this guy's [Josh] dead right now. From bullets fired from a gun bought legally. They bought guns, they loaded 'em, they drove from Wheeling to Rosslyn, and until they pulled the trigger they had yet to commit a crime. I am so off the charts tired of the gun lobby tossing around words like personal freedom and nobody calling 'em on it. It's not about personal freedom. And it certainly has nothing to do with public safety. It's just that some people like guns.

Ainsley

Yes, and you know what's even more sinister than that? Your gun control policy doesn't have anything to do with public safety, and it's certainly not about personal freedom. It's about that you don't like the people who do like guns.

Ainsley

No. But thank you for talking to me, instead of about me.

Josh

Hey, I'm still back on he offered you the job... but you're not taking the job?

Sam

No, man, why participate in the process when you can get a job commenting on it?

Ainsley

You think because I don't want to work here it's because I can get a better gig on Geraldo? Gosh, let's see if there could possibly be any other reason why I wouldn't want to work in this White House? This White House that feels that government is better for children than parents are. That looks at forty years of degrading and humiliating free lunches handed out in a spectacularly failed effort to level the playing field and says, 'Let's try forty more.' This White House that says of anyone that points that out to them, that they are cold and mean and racist, and then accuses Republicans of using the politics of fear. This White House that loves the Bill of Rights, all of them - except the second one.

Sam

This is the wrong place to talk about guns right now. I thought your column was idiotic.

Ainsley

Imagine my surprise.

Sam

But for a brilliant surgical team and two centimeters of a miracle, this guy's [Josh] dead right now. From bullets fired from a gun bought legally. They bought guns, they loaded 'em, they drove from Wheeling to Rosslyn, and until they pulled the trigger they had yet to commit a crime. I am so off the charts tired of the gun lobby tossing around words like personal freedom and nobody calling 'em on it. It's not about personal freedom. And it certainly has nothing to do with public safety. It's just that some people like guns.

Ainsley

Yes, they do. But do you know what's even more insidious than that? Your gun control position doesn't have anything to do with public safety, and it's certainly not about personal freedom. It's about that you don't like the people who do like guns. You don't like the people. Think about that the next time you make a joke about the South.

Sam

I don't need your help. I'm asking for your help so let's not make a federal...

Ainsley

[into her phone] Dad, it's me. Sam's asking for my help.

Sam

Put the phone down.

Ainsley

[into her phone] Gotta go, dad, I need to help Sam.

Sam

That must have rolled them in the aisles back in Georgia.

Ainsley

I'm from North Carolina.

Sam

Wherever it was you studied baton twirling.

Ainsley

That'd be Harvard Law School.

Ainsley

I'm not going to say anything. I'm not going to spill anything. I'm not going to get Republican juice on you. I'm just going to sit there and learn.

Sam

Look...

Ainsley

From the master, Sam, I want to learn from the master.

Sam

[stopping] See, women think that kind of thing works, but it doesn't.

Ainsley

[steps close] It really does, Sam.

Sam

I let you come to the Hill, you'll summarize my memo?

Ainsley

I'll use punctuation and everything. You might even get extra credit.

Sam

Oratory should raise your heart rate. Oratory should blow the doors off the place. We should be talking about not being satisfied with past solutions. We should be talking about a permanent revolution.

Toby

Where have I heard that?

Sam

Permanent Revolution?

Toby

Yeah.

Sam

I got it from a book.

Toby

What book?

Sam

The Little Red Book

Toby

You think we should quote Mao Tse-tung?

Sam

We do need a permanent revolution.

Toby

Still, I think we'll stay away from quoting Communists.

Sam

You think a Communist never wrote an elegant phrase? How do you think they got everyone to be Communist?

Bartlet

A long flight across the night. You know why late flights are good? Because we cease to be earthbound and burdened with practicality. Asking important questions. Talking about the idea that nobody has thought about yet. Put it a different way...

Sam

Be poets.