Leo McGarry quotes from The West Wing

Leo

You went and did it?

Josh

What?

Leo

Exactly what I asked you not to do.

Josh

Leo.

Leo

You went and saw Sam's friend?

Sam

How'd you know?

Leo

I had you tailed.

Josh

You had us tailed?

Leo

Yes.

Sam

Why did you have us tailed?

Leo

On the off chance that you're as stupid as you look. Whose idea was this?

Josh

It was mine. Sam was a reluctant accomplice. You had us tailed?

Leo

Get over it.

Sam

She didn't give us anything.

Leo

I should hope not.

Josh

Leo.

Leo

It's not what we do, Josh.

Sam

That may be true, but still...

Leo

It's not what we do.

Sam

Yes, sir.

Leo

You should apologize to that girl for even asking.

Sam

I did.

Leo

Then apologize again.

Sam

Yes, sir.

Leo

Like I'm not gonna have enough problems without the Keystone Cops.

Josh

We meant well.

Leo

Is that supposed to mean something to me?

Josh

No.

Leo

[beat] Well, it does.

Josh

I'm glad.

Leo

Go back to work.

Sam

It's Christmas Eve.

Leo

What, the country isn't open Christmas Eve?

Sam

Fair point.

Leo

[on Marbury] You're really gonna let him loose in the White House, where there's liquor and women?

Bartlet

We can hide the women. But the man deserves a drink.

Bartlet

Thank you for coming. How was your flight?

Marbury

Intoxicating.

Leo

So I see.

Marbury

[to Leo] Allow me to present myself...Lord John Marbury, I was summoned by your President.

Leo

Yes. We've met, 10 or 12 times. I'm Leo McGarry.

Marbury

I thought you were the butler.

Leo

No, I'm the White House Chief of Staff.

Marbury

Nonetheless, would you have something with which to light my cigarette?

Leo

No, I'm afraid we don't allow smoking in this part of the world.

Marbury

Really? In this part over here we encourage it!

Bartlet

There's an India expert I want to bring in.

Leo

Who?

Leo

No.

Bartlet

You guys are gonna love him.

Leo

He's a lunatic!

Bartlet

He's colorful.

Leo

He's certifiable!

Sam

Who?

Bartlet

Lord John Marbury, former ambassador to New Delhi from the Court of Saint James.

Sam

Where do we find him?

Leo

A psychiatric institution.

Bartlet

He's colorful, Leo.

Leo

You're really gonna let him loose in the White House, where there's liquor and women?

Bartlet

We can hide the women. But the man deserves a drink.

Bartlet

[practicing the State of the Union speech] I came to this hallowed chamber one year ago on a mission, to restore the American dream for all our people as we gaze at the vast horizon of possibilities open to us... in the 321st century. Wow, that was ambitious of me, wasn't it?

Sam

Leo.

Leo

Let's take a break.

Bartlet

We meant 'stronger' here, right?

Sam

What does it say?

Bartlet

I'm proud to report our country's stranger than it was a year ago?

Sam

That's a typo.

Bartlet

Could go either way.

Bartlet

Abbey phoned me up and told me about your conversation. I was diagnosed about seven years ago. My life expectancy is normal. My particular course of MS is relapsing remitting, which means I should experience total recovery after attacks. Abbey gives me injections of something called Betaseron, and that reduces the frequency. Fever and stress tend to be two things that induces attacks.

Leo

Well, you're the President of the United States, you're delivering the State of the Union tomorrow night, India and Pakistan are pointing nuclear weapons at each other, and you have a 102-degree fever. So I guess we're out of the woods, hmm?

Bartlet

101.9.

Leo

Jed, of all the things you could've kept from me...

Bartlet

You haven't called me 'Jed' since I was elected.

Leo

[sits] Why didn't you tell me?

Bartlet

'Cause I wanted to be the President.

Leo

That wouldn't have stopped me from getting you here. And I could've been a friend.

Bartlet

You've been a friend.

Leo

But when it was time to really...

Bartlet

I know.

Bartlet

What have you got for me, John?

Lord John Marbury

Well, um, after speaking at length this past week with your secretaries of state and defense, as well as your joint chiefs and various embassy officials, I believe this. Buy them off.

Bartlet

Buy them?

Lord John Marbury

Yes, sir.

Bartlet

How?

Lord John Marbury

Mr. President, for several centuries, my kingdom has ruled India with a stick and carrot. When we had a particular problem with someone, one solution we would try is to make him a maharaja. That's kind of a regional king. We would pay him off with an annual tribute, and in return, he would be loyal to the crown.

Leo

Lord Marbury, under our Constitution, our President is not empowered to create maharajas.

Lord John Marbury

Yes. Thank you for clearing that up, Leo. Having been educated at Cambridge and the Sorbonne, I am, as you know, exceedingly stupid.

Bartlet

John, please.

Lord John Marbury

You've been paying the world off since the industrial age. Foreign aid, during the Cold War was you paying dictators to be on your side. To this very day, you pay Korea not to develop nuclear weapons.

Bartlet

What does India want?

Lord John Marbury

A computer industry, and for that, they require an infrastructure, and that is what you can give them.

Leo

Why?

Lord John Marbury

It's the price you pay.

Leo

For avoiding a war halfway around the world?

Lord John Marbury

For being rich, free and alive all at the same time, and for the criminally negligent behavior of your Congress in not checking the proliferation of nuclear devices.

Bartlet

Is Simon Blye coming in to meet with you today?

Leo

How did you know that?

Bartlet

I broke into your secret schedule compartment and took infrared photos with my compact camera.

Leo

He's driving from Nova Scotia to Washington?

Sam

Yeah.

Leo

How's a person do that?

Sam

Oh, my guess is, he'll take the Trans-Canada Highway to New Brunswick, then maybe catch the 1 and take the scenic route along the coast of Maine. 95 through New Hampshire to the Mass Pike, and then cut over to the Merritt Parkway round Milford.

Toby

Something really kinda freakish about you, you know that?

Leo

John, I know we've had our ups and downs, but let me be your guy here for a second. You can't be thinking about being the first vice president in history to break a tie going the other way.

I'm not looking to make history.

Leo

Then what are you looking for, John? You're going to get ink either way.

Leo.

Leo

I know that it eats at you that there is friction between you and my staff. You think they don't respect you. And they do. They just don't trust you. And frankly, neither does the President.

Well...

Leo

I mean I know that's tough. But God, John, I'm the one that convinced him to put you on the ticket. And I'm going to be the one standing here when you make history, whether you're going to or not.

Leo, one of these days you're going to have to allow for the possibility that my motives might not always be sinister. You and your staff are remarkably smug, and frankly so is the President. And the fact that you think I give a damn that there is some friction between me and your staff is certainly proof enough of that.

Leo

John, you will not be able to set foot in the West Wing. You will not be on the ticket in three years.

Leo, I think you guys set me up.

Leo

You think the President of the United States can arrange for a 50-50 tie in the Senate?

I think the President of the United States can do pretty much whatever he wants.

Leo

You're wrong.

Bartlet

Try to find out who those friends of my wife's are in the wire piece and take them out back and have them shot. Can I do that?

Leo

Yeah.

Bartlet

Yeah, Leo says I can do that.

Mallory

He's in favor of school vouchers, Dad.

Leo

No, Mallory. He's really not.

Mallory

Yes, he is.

Leo

No, he's not.

Mallory

I read the position paper.

Leo

It's opposition prep.

Mallory

Opposition prep?

Leo

When we're gearing up for a debate, we have the smart guys take the other side.

Mallory

[to Sam] You stood there and argued with me.

Sam

Yes.

Mallory

Why?

Sam

You made an appointment.

Mallory

Sam...

Leo

Would the two of you take it outside?

Sam

I thought you were trying to drive a wedge between us.

Leo

Yeah, but now you're just boring the crap out of me.

Mallory

Hey...

Sam

Mallory, education is the silver bullet. Education is everything. We don't need little changes. We need gigantic revolutionary changes. Schools should be palaces. Competition for the best teachers should be fierce. They should be getting six-figure salaries. Schools should be incredibly expensive for government and absolutely free of charge for its citizens, just like national defense. That is my position. I just haven't figured out how to do it yet.

Leo

Listen up. Our ground game isn't working; we're gonna put the ball in the air. If we're gonna walk into walls, I want us running into them full-speed.

Josh

What are you saying?

Leo

Well, you can start by telling the Hill the President's named his nominees to the FEC. And we're gonna lose some of these battles. And we might even lose the White House. But we're not going to be threatened by issues: we're going to put 'em front and center. We're gonna raise raise the level of public debate in this country, and let that be our legacy. That sound alright to you Josh?

Josh

I serve at the pleasure of the President of the United States.

Leo

Yeah?

CJ

I serve at the pleasure of the President.

Sam

I serve at the pleasure of President Bartlet.

Leo

Toby?

Toby

I serve at the pleasure of the President.

Margaret

Want to hear a joke?

Leo

Uh... Okay.

Margaret

You know why they only eat one egg for breakfast in France?

Leo

Why?

Margaret

'Cause in France, one egg is 'un oeuf'.

Bartlet

What about our people?

Leo

 : CJ hit her head on the ground, but other than that.

Bartlet

Get the cabinet together, and the security council. Tell Jerome to suspend trading on the stock exchange...do we know who the shooters were?

Leo:

[shaking his head] No.

Bartlet

I'm gonna be under anesthesia for a couple hours.

Leo:

It'll be fine.

Bartlet

You know what I'm talking about, right?

Leo:

I'll talk to Abbey.

[grabbing Leo's arm] Sir, it's time.

Bartlet

Hey, come here. [Leo leans in toward the President and turns his head. Jed plants a reassuring kiss on Leo's cheek.] It's okay.

Leo:

I'll see you in a few hours Mr. President.