Leo McGarry quotes from The West Wing

Leo

Ever see Arnie Vinick campaign? He'll go into those high school gymnasiums in Iowa and New Hampshire and blow them all away. He'll shake every hand in the joint, kiss every baby, hug every widow on Social Security and sound smarter and more honest than any Republican they've ever seen. Because he is.

Leo

We've been here seven trips around the sun. Done some things we're proud of, things we're less pleased about... It may be time for us to take our own temperature; an internal inventory... What's done. What's undone. What's done that we'd like to undo or do over.

Leo

Everyone's walking around here like we're finished. We have 365 more days.... For both of us, sir, this is our last game. Let's leave it all out on the field.

C.J.

Is there anything I can say other than "The President rode his bicycle into a tree?"

Leo

He hopes never to do it again.

C.J.

Seriously, they're laughing pretty hard.

Leo

He rode his bicycle into a tree, C.J. What do you want me to – "The president, while riding a bicycle on his vacation in Jackson Hole, came to a sudden arboreal stop." What do you want from me?

C.J.

A little love, Leo.

Leo

[on the phone with the New York Times] 17 across. Yes, 17 across is wrong... You're spelling his name wrong... What's my name? My name doesn't matter. I am just an ordinary citizen who relies on the Times crossword for stimulation. And I'm telling you that I met the man twice. And I recommended a pre-emptive Exocet missile strike against his air force, so I think I know how...

C.J.

Leo.

Leo

They hang up on me every time.

C.J

That's almost hard to believe.

C.J.

Sir, this may be a good time to talk about your sense of humor.

Bartlet

I've got an intelligence briefing, a security briefing, and a 90-minute budget meeting all scheduled for the same 45 minutes. You sure this is a good time to talk about my sense of humor?

C.J.

No.

Bartlet

Me neither.

C.J.

It's just that it's not the first time that it's happened.

Bartlet

I know.

Toby

We're talking about Texas, sir.

Bartlet

I know.

C.J.

USA Today asks you why you don't spend more time campaigning in Texas and you say it's because you don't look good in funny hats.

Sam

It was big hats.

C.J.

What difference does it make?

Bartlet

It makes a difference.

C.J.

The point is we got whomped in Texas.

Josh

We got whomped in Texas twice.

C.J.

We got whomped in the primary and we got whomped in November.

Bartlet

I think I was there.

C.J.

And it was avoidable. Sir.

Bartlet

CJ, on your tombstone it's gonna read 'Post hoc ergo propter hoc.'

CJ

Okay, but none of my visitors are going to be able to understand my tombstone.

Bartlet

Twenty-seven lawyers in the room, anybody know 'post hoc, ergo propter hoc'? Josh?

Josh

Ah, post, after hoc, ergo, therefore... After hoc, therefore something else hoc.

Bartlet

Thank you. Next? Leo.

Leo

'After it, therefore because of it'.

Bartlet

'After it, therefore because of it'. It means one thing follows the other, therefore it was caused by the other. But it's not always true. In fact it's hardly ever true. We did not lose Texas because of the hat joke. Do you know when we lost Texas?

C.J.

When you learned to speak Latin?

Bartlet

Go figure.

Sam

[reading a newspaper article, quoting a congressman] Folks down here are patriotic, fiercely patriotic. The President better not be planning on making any visits to this base. If he does, he may not get out alive.

Toby

He said that? Sitting there with military officers?

Josh

Don't take the bait.

Toby

Josh.

Josh

Don't take the bait!

Toby

You'd better believe I'm going to take the bait.

Leo

There ought to be a law against it.

Josh

Why'd you get him started?

Toby

There is a law against it! How about threatening the life of the President? He was talking to other people: how about conspiracy? They were military officers, how about treason? That was a member of our own party, Leo. That was a Democrat who said that!

Leo

It's bad, I know.

Toby

That's it?

Leo

What are you going to do?

Toby

Have the Justice Department bring him in pending felony charges.

Josh

Toby's right. What's the good of being in power if you're not going to haul your enemies in for questioning?

Toby

We're really not gonna do anything about this?

Leo

Yeah, cause what we really need to do is arrest people for being mean to the President.

Toby

There is no law. There is no decency.

Josh

He's just getting that now.

Bartlet

What's the virtue of the proportional response?

I'm sorry?

Bartlet

What is the virtue of a proportional response? Why's it good? They hit an airplane, so we hit a transmitter, right? That's a proportional response.

Sir, in the case of Pericles 1 --

Bartlet

[talking over him] They hit a barracks, so we hit two transmitters.

That's roughly it, yes, sir.

Bartlet

This is what we do. I mean, this is what we do.

Leo

Yes, sir, it's what we do. It's what we've always done.

Bartlet

Well, if it's what we do, if it's what we've always done, don't they know we're going to do it?

Leo

Sir, if you'd turn your attention to Pericles 1 --

Bartlet

I have turned my attention to Pericles 1. It's two ammo dumps, an abandoned railroad bridge and a Syrian intelligence agency.

Those are four highly-rated targets, sir.

Bartlet

But they know we're gonna do that. They know we're gonna do that! Those areas have been abandoned for three days now. We know that from the satellite, right? We have the intelligence. [over Leo's attempt to speak up] They did that, so we did this. It's the cost of doing business. It's been factored in, right?

Leo

Mr. President --

Bartlet

Am I right, or am I missing something here?

No, sir. You're right, sir.

Bartlet

Then I ask again, what is the virtue of a proportional response?

It isn't virtuous, Mr. President. It's all there is, sir.

Bartlet

It is not all there is.

Leo

Sir, Admiral Fitzwallace --

Excuse me, Leo...pardon me, Mr. President, just what else is there?

Bartlet

The disproportional response. Let the word ring forth, from this time and this place, gentlemen, you kill an American, any American, we don't come back with a proportional response. We come back with total disaster! [He bangs the table]

Are you suggesting that we carpet-bomb Damascus?

Bartlet

I am suggesting, General, that you, and Admiral Fitzwallace, and Secretary Hutchinson, and the rest of the National Security Team take the next sixty minutes and put together an American response scenario that doesn't make me think we're just docking somebody's damn allowance!

Bartlet

Did you know that two thousand years ago a Roman citizen could walk across the face of the known world free of the fear of molestation? He could walk across the Earth unharmed, cloaked only in the protection of the words civis Romanus -- I am a Roman citizen. So great was the retribution of Rome, universally certain, should any harm befall even one of its citizens. Where was Morris's protection, or anybody else on that airplane? Where was the retribution for the families, and where is the warning to the rest of the world that Americans shall walk this Earth unharmed, lest the clenched fist of the most mighty military force in the history of mankind comes crashing down on your house?! In other words, Leo, what the hell are we doing here?!

Leo

We are behaving the way a superpower ought to behave.

Bartlet

Well our behavior has produced some crappy results, in fact I'm not a hundred per cent sure it hasn't induced it.

Leo

What are you talking about?

Bartlet

I'm talking about two hundred and eighty-six American marines in Beirut, I'm talking about Somalia, I'm talking about Nairobi-

Leo

And you think ratcheting up the body count's gonna act as a deterrent?

Bartlet

You're damn right I-

Leo

Oh, then you are just as stupid as these guys who think capital punishment is going to be a deterrent for drug kingpins. As if drug kingpins didn't live their day to day lives under the possibility of execution, and their executions are a lot less dainty than ours and tend to take place without the bother and expense of due process. So, my friend, if you want to start using American military strength as the arm of the Lord, you can do that. We're the only superpower left. You can conquer the world, like Charlemagne! But you better be prepared to kill everyone. And you better start with me, because I will raise up an army against you and I will beat you!

Bartlet

He had a ten day old baby at home.

Leo

I know.

Bartlet

We are doing nothing.

Leo

We are not doing nothing.

Bartlet

We're destroying-

Leo

Four high-rated military targets!

Bartlet

And this is good?

Leo

Of course it's not good. There is no good. It's what there is! It's how you behave if you're the most powerful nation in the world. It's proportional, it's reasonable, it's responsible, it's merciful! It's not nothing. Four high-rated military targets.

Bartlet

Which they'll rebuild again in six months.

Leo

Then we'll blow 'em up again in six months! We're getting really good at it... It's what our fathers taught us.

Bartlet

Why didn't you say so? Oh, Leo...when I think of all the work you put in to get me to run and all the work you did to get me elected...I could pummel your ass with a baseball bat.

Bartlet

[on pain medication] What's going on here?

Sam

Nothing you need to concern yourself with, Mr. President. Merely a perception issue regarding Toby and the financial disclosure.

Bartlet

Well, I like to roll up my sleeves and, you know ... get involved.

C.J.

Mr. President. Did you by any chance take your back pills?

Bartlet

I don't mind telling you C.J. I was in a little pain there.

Leo

Which did you take, sir, the Vicodin or the Percocet?

Bartlet

I wasn't supposed to take 'em both?

C.J.

Okay, Mr. President, we're going to have someone take you back to bed.

Bartlet

No no no. Sit sit sit. One of you's got a problem, and I'm here to help. You guys are like family. You've always been there for me. You've always been loyal, honest, hard-working good people, and I love you all very much, and I don't say that often enough. [to Sam] So, tell me what the problem is, Toby.

Sam

I'm Sam, sir.

Bartlet

Sam, of course you are.

Toby

Sir, the situation basically is this. I arranged for a friend to testify to Commerce on Internet stocks, while simultaneously, but unrelated to that, bought a technology issue which, partly due to my friend's testimony, shot through the roof.

Bartlet

Toby. Toby, Toby, Toby. Toby's a nice name, don't you think?

Toby

Can we possibly do this meeting at another time?

Bartlet

No no no, I know my body. I know my muscles aren't, you know, but my mind is sharp. I can focus. I'm focused. You all know that about me. Here's what I think we ought to do. [beat] Was I just saying something?

Leo

Andrew Jackson, in the main foyer of his White House had a big block of cheese.

Toby

Huh.

Leo

I am making a mental list of those who are snickering, and even as I speak I am preparing appropriate retribution. The block of cheese was huge - over two tons. And it was there for any and all who might be hungry.

Toby

Leo, wouldn't this time be better spent plotting a war against a country that can't possibly defend itself against us?

Leo

We can do that later, Toby. Right now I'm talking about President Andrew Jackson.

Leo

And Sam goes on my list!

Sam

What about Toby?

Leo

I'm unpredictable. Jackson wanted the White House to belong to the people, so from time to time, he opened his doors to those who wished an audience.

Mandy

And then he locked the doors behind them and made them eat two tons of cheese.

Leo

It is in that spirit...

Sam

Hang on. Mandy doesn't go on the list?

Leo

Mandy's new.

Sam

So it's just me... on the list?

Leo

Yes. It is in the spirit of Andrew Jackson that I, from time to time, ask senior staff to have face-to-face meetings with those people representing organizations who have a difficult time getting our attention. I know the more jaded among you, see this as something rather beneath you. But I assure you that listening to the voices of passionate Americans is beneath no one, and surely not the peoples' servants.

Josh

[walks in with C.J.] Sorry, we're late. Is it "Total Crackpot Day" again?

Leo

Yes, it is.

Sam

And let us please note that Josh does not go on the list.

Josh

I was interrogating this intern from the legislative liaison's office and she broke down crying while telling me about a bong she had made out of an eggplant.

Leo

You can do that?

Josh

I used to use a potato.

Leo

You've always been industrious.

Bartlet

Did you have a drink yesterday?

Leo

No, sir.

Bartlet

Do you plan to have a drink today?

Leo

No, sir.

Bartlet

That's all you ever have to say to me.

Leo

One in three?

C.J.

Yes.

Leo

He said one in three White House staffers are on drugs?

C.J.

Yes.

Leo

Where does he get these stats?

C.J.

Leo-

Leo

I mean where does he pull them from?

C.J.

Out of the clear blue sky, but that doesn't matter!

Leo

[to Margaret] Is someone bringing me a tape on this?

Mandy

This isn't happening to me.

Leo

Nothing's happened, stay cool.

Sam

[walks in] Is it possible for Peter Lillianfield to be a bigger jackass? You think if he tried hard, there's room for him to be a slightly bigger horse's ass than he's being right now?

C.J.

At some point you hit your head on the ceiling, don't you?

Sam

I think there's unexplored potential.

Josh

[enters] ‘Sup.

Mandy

Josh.

Josh

Five White House staffers in the room. I would like to say to the 1.6 of you who are stoned right now that it's time to share.

Leo

[Signing Christmas cards] Who the hell is this guy and why would I care if he has a merry Christmas?

Margaret

Just sign the damn thing.