“Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics” · Season 1
In this episode: Josiah Bartlet (5), Toby Ziegler (3), Sam Seaborn (2), Charlie Young (2), C.J. Cregg (1), Leo McGarry (1), Margaret Hooper (1)
We agree on nothing, Max.
Yes, sir.
Education, guns, drugs, school prayer, gays, defense spending, taxes - you name it, we disagree.
You know why?
Because I'm a lily-livered, bleeding-heart, liberal, egghead communist.
Yes, sir. And I'm a gun-toting, redneck son-of-a-bitch.
Yes, you are.
We agree about that.
Since when are you an expert on language?
In polling models?
Okay.
1993. Since when are you an uptight pain in the ass?
Since long before that.
What do we do with him?
Make him the Ambassador to Paraguay.
What do we do with the Ambassador to Paraguay?
Make him Ambassador to Bulgaria.
I like this. Because, if everybody keeps moving up one, I can go home.
Want to hear a joke?
Uh... Okay.
You know why they only eat one egg for breakfast in France?
Why?
'Cause in France, one egg is 'un oeuf'.
I'd like to speak to your supervisor.
Well, I'm Personal Aide to the President, so my supervisor's a little busy right now trying to find a back door to this place to shove you out of, but I'll let him know you'd like to lodge a complaint.
I looked at the Federated States of Micronesia. I can't fire our ambassador.
Why not?
Somebody's going to ask me why I fired him and I'm not gonna be able to come up with the answer they're looking for.
Well, Sam's got you covered.
How?
You're not going to fire the ambassador. You're going to promote him.
To what?
Ambassador to Paraguay.
And what happens to the ambassador of Paraguay?
You make him Ambassador to Bulgaria.
Hey, I like this. Of course, if everybody keeps moving up one, then I get to go home.
Toby, are you in here sticking up for Sam?
I know it's strange, sir. But I'm feeling a... a certain... big brotherly connection right now. You know, obviously, I'd like that feeling to go away as soon as possible, but for the moment I think there's no danger in the White House standing by Sam and aggressively going after the people who set him up.
[after recognizing Charlie] I resigned my membership in that club, by the way.
Did you?
Oh yeah. I find exclusive clubs to be repugnant.
I couldn't help but notice that didn't stop you from joining up in the first place.
Now, that's out of line. That's out of line and that shouldn't have been said. And you've forgotten that you're addressing an U.S. Ambassador.
I apologize, sir.
I'm sorry to do this, but I'd like to speak to your supervisor.
Well, I'm Personal Aide to the President, so my supervisor's a little busy right now trying to find a back door to this place to shove you out of, but I'll let him know you'd like to lodge a complaint.
We agree on nothing, Max.
Yes, sir.
Education, guns, drugs, school prayer, gays, defense spending, taxes - you name it, we disagree.
You know why?
Because I'm a lily-livered, bleeding-heart, liberal, egghead communist.
Yes, sir. And I'm a gun-toting, redneck son-of-a-bitch.
Yes, you are.
We agree about that.
We also agree on campaign finance.
Yes, sir.
So, Max.
Yes, sir?
Let's work together on campaign finance.
You don't have the votes in the House.
I don't need them. 1978, the FEC voted a regulatory rule that opened the door to soft money. The FEC can close it again with 4 of the 6 votes. We don't need a law.
And how are you going to get the four votes?
Two seats opened up, I nominated Bacon and Calhoun.
That's two.
Barry Haskel was with us already. We took him out of the closet.
How are you going to get the 4th seat to open up?
Toby's going to take care of that right away. Max, can I count on your support to confirm my candidates?
And what do I get in exchange?
[beat] The thanks of a grateful President.
Good answer, sir.
[to Toby] Go.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The West Wing pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
