Toby Ziegler quotes from The West Wing

Toby

On a scale of 1 to 10 - 10 being CJ and 1 being a chimp throwing feces - where do I rank?

Toby

[to Josh, about leaving to run Santos' campaign] You can't leave. We're not done here.... You're going to walk into the Oval Office and tell the President you just found a better horse?

Toby

Sometimes I think, what if I were at UNICEF or United Way pulling together the AIDS fight, or back in New York turning the public school system around? Would that be a more effective use of my 24 hours? Not this. Not pushing on the ocean.

Sir, I'm going to have to ask that you turn off your cellular phone.

Toby

We're flying in a Lockheed Eagle Series L-1011. Came off the line twenty months ago. Carries a Sim-5 transponder tracking system. And you're telling me I can still flummox this thing with something I bought at Radio Shack?

The First Commandment says "Honor thy father."

Toby

No, it doesn't!

Josh Lyman

Toby—

Toby

It doesn't! [C.J. tries to stop him] No! If I'm gonna make you sit through this preposterous exercise, we're gonna get the names of the damn Commandments right!

Okay, here we go.

Toby

"Honor thy father" is the Third Commandment!

Then what's the First Commandment?

Bartlet

"I am the Lord your God; thou shalt worship no other god before me." [enters the room, walking with a cane] Boy, those were the days, huh?

Sam

About a week ago I accidentally slept with a prostitute.

Toby

Really?

Sam

Yes.

Toby

You accidentally slept with a prostitute.

Sam

Call girl.

Toby

Accidentally.

Sam

Yes.

Toby

I don't understand. Did you trip over something?

Toby

Mrs. Landingham, does the President have free time this morning?

The President has nothing but free time, Toby. Right now he's in the residence eating Cheerios and enjoying Regis and Kathie Lee. Should I get him for you?

Toby

Sarcasm's a disturbing thing coming from a woman of your age, Mrs. Landingham.

What age would that be, Toby?

Toby

Late twenties?

Atta boy.

Toby

Can I have a cookie?

No.

Good morning, Sam.

Sam

Good morning.

Have a cookie, Sam.

C.J.

Sir, this may be a good time to talk about your sense of humor.

Bartlet

I've got an intelligence briefing, a security briefing, and a 90-minute budget meeting all scheduled for the same 45 minutes. You sure this is a good time to talk about my sense of humor?

C.J.

No.

Bartlet

Me neither.

C.J.

It's just that it's not the first time that it's happened.

Bartlet

I know.

Toby

We're talking about Texas, sir.

Bartlet

I know.

C.J.

USA Today asks you why you don't spend more time campaigning in Texas and you say it's because you don't look good in funny hats.

Sam

It was big hats.

C.J.

What difference does it make?

Bartlet

It makes a difference.

C.J.

The point is we got whomped in Texas.

Josh

We got whomped in Texas twice.

C.J.

We got whomped in the primary and we got whomped in November.

Bartlet

I think I was there.

C.J.

And it was avoidable. Sir.

Bartlet

CJ, on your tombstone it's gonna read 'Post hoc ergo propter hoc.'

CJ

Okay, but none of my visitors are going to be able to understand my tombstone.

Bartlet

Twenty-seven lawyers in the room, anybody know 'post hoc, ergo propter hoc'? Josh?

Josh

Ah, post, after hoc, ergo, therefore... After hoc, therefore something else hoc.

Bartlet

Thank you. Next? Leo.

Leo

'After it, therefore because of it'.

Bartlet

'After it, therefore because of it'. It means one thing follows the other, therefore it was caused by the other. But it's not always true. In fact it's hardly ever true. We did not lose Texas because of the hat joke. Do you know when we lost Texas?

C.J.

When you learned to speak Latin?

Bartlet

Go figure.

Sam

[reading a newspaper article, quoting a congressman] Folks down here are patriotic, fiercely patriotic. The President better not be planning on making any visits to this base. If he does, he may not get out alive.

Toby

He said that? Sitting there with military officers?

Josh

Don't take the bait.

Toby

Josh.

Josh

Don't take the bait!

Toby

You'd better believe I'm going to take the bait.

Leo

There ought to be a law against it.

Josh

Why'd you get him started?

Toby

There is a law against it! How about threatening the life of the President? He was talking to other people: how about conspiracy? They were military officers, how about treason? That was a member of our own party, Leo. That was a Democrat who said that!

Leo

It's bad, I know.

Toby

That's it?

Leo

What are you going to do?

Toby

Have the Justice Department bring him in pending felony charges.

Josh

Toby's right. What's the good of being in power if you're not going to haul your enemies in for questioning?

Toby

We're really not gonna do anything about this?

Leo

Yeah, cause what we really need to do is arrest people for being mean to the President.

Toby

There is no law. There is no decency.

Josh

He's just getting that now.

Bartlet

[on pain medication] What's going on here?

Sam

Nothing you need to concern yourself with, Mr. President. Merely a perception issue regarding Toby and the financial disclosure.

Bartlet

Well, I like to roll up my sleeves and, you know ... get involved.

C.J.

Mr. President. Did you by any chance take your back pills?

Bartlet

I don't mind telling you C.J. I was in a little pain there.

Leo

Which did you take, sir, the Vicodin or the Percocet?

Bartlet

I wasn't supposed to take 'em both?

C.J.

Okay, Mr. President, we're going to have someone take you back to bed.

Bartlet

No no no. Sit sit sit. One of you's got a problem, and I'm here to help. You guys are like family. You've always been there for me. You've always been loyal, honest, hard-working good people, and I love you all very much, and I don't say that often enough. [to Sam] So, tell me what the problem is, Toby.

Sam

I'm Sam, sir.

Bartlet

Sam, of course you are.

Toby

Sir, the situation basically is this. I arranged for a friend to testify to Commerce on Internet stocks, while simultaneously, but unrelated to that, bought a technology issue which, partly due to my friend's testimony, shot through the roof.

Bartlet

Toby. Toby, Toby, Toby. Toby's a nice name, don't you think?

Toby

Can we possibly do this meeting at another time?

Bartlet

No no no, I know my body. I know my muscles aren't, you know, but my mind is sharp. I can focus. I'm focused. You all know that about me. Here's what I think we ought to do. [beat] Was I just saying something?

Leo

Andrew Jackson, in the main foyer of his White House had a big block of cheese.

Toby

Huh.

Leo

I am making a mental list of those who are snickering, and even as I speak I am preparing appropriate retribution. The block of cheese was huge - over two tons. And it was there for any and all who might be hungry.

Toby

Leo, wouldn't this time be better spent plotting a war against a country that can't possibly defend itself against us?

Leo

We can do that later, Toby. Right now I'm talking about President Andrew Jackson.

Leo

And Sam goes on my list!

Sam

What about Toby?

Leo

I'm unpredictable. Jackson wanted the White House to belong to the people, so from time to time, he opened his doors to those who wished an audience.

Mandy

And then he locked the doors behind them and made them eat two tons of cheese.

Leo

It is in that spirit...

Sam

Hang on. Mandy doesn't go on the list?

Leo

Mandy's new.

Sam

So it's just me... on the list?

Leo

Yes. It is in the spirit of Andrew Jackson that I, from time to time, ask senior staff to have face-to-face meetings with those people representing organizations who have a difficult time getting our attention. I know the more jaded among you, see this as something rather beneath you. But I assure you that listening to the voices of passionate Americans is beneath no one, and surely not the peoples' servants.

Josh

[walks in with C.J.] Sorry, we're late. Is it "Total Crackpot Day" again?

Leo

Yes, it is.

Sam

And let us please note that Josh does not go on the list.

Toby

It's not so much that you cheat sir, its how brazenly bad you are at it.

Bartlet

Give me an example.

Toby

In Florida, playing mixed doubles with me and C.J., you tried to tell us your partner worked at the American Consulate in Vienna.

Bartlet

She did.

Toby

It was Steffi Graf, sir!

Bartlet

I'll admit the woman bore a striking resemblance to her.

Toby

You crazy lunatic, you think I'm not going to recognize Steffi Graf when she's serving a tennis ball at me?

Toby

[while playing basketball] It's not so much that you cheat sir, it's how brazenly bad you are at it.

Bartlet

I beg your pardon! When have I ever cheated?

Toby

How about in Florida, playing mixed doubles with me and C.J., you tried to tell us your partner worked at the American Consulate in Vienna.

Bartlet

She did.

Toby

It was Steffi Graf, sir!

Bartlet

I'll admit the woman bore a striking resemblance to her.

Toby

You crazy lunatic! You think I'm not going to recognize Steffi Graf when she's serving a tennis ball at me?!

Toby

Not so fast.

Bartlet

What's the problem?

Toby

Mr. Grant, your name sounds awfully familiar... Before you joined up with the President's Council on Physical Fitness, a council, I might add, the President would do well to avail himself of... Is it possible, that you played some organized ball?

Yeah, I used to play a little with my friends.

Toby

And where was that?

I'm sorry?

Toby

Where would that be?

Duke.

Toby

This guy was in the Final Four!

Toby

All right... It couldn't have gone far, right?

Sam

No.

Toby

Somewhere in this building... is our talent.

Sam

Yes.

Bartlet

Apparently, I've arranged for an honor guard for somebody.

Toby

Yes, sir. I'm sorry.

Bartlet

No no. Just tell me, is there anything else I've arranged for? We're still in NATO right?

Toby

Yes, sir.

Bartlet

What's going on?

Toby

A homeless man died last night; a Korean War veteran, who was wearing a coat that I gave to the Goodwill. It had my card in it.

Bartlet

Toby, you're not responsible for ...

Toby

An hour and twenty minutes for the ambulance to get there. A Lance Corporal, United States Marine Corps, Second of the Seventh. The guy got better treatment at Panmunjom.

Bartlet

Toby, if we start pulling strings like this, you don't think every homeless veteran would come out of the woodworks?

Toby

I can only hope, sir.