“Pilot” · Season 1
In this episode: C.J. Cregg (3), Josiah Bartlet (2), Toby Ziegler (2), Leo McGarry (2), Josh Lyman (1), Sam Seaborn (1), Mallory (1)
Sir, I'm going to have to ask that you turn off your cellular phone.
We're flying in a Lockheed Eagle Series L-1011. Came off the line twenty months ago. Carries a Sim-5 transponder tracking system. And you're telling me I can still flummox this thing with something I bought at Radio Shack?
Is there anything I can say other than "The President rode his bicycle into a tree?"
He hopes never to do it again.
Seriously, they're laughing pretty hard.
He rode his bicycle into a tree, C.J. What do you want me to – "The president, while riding a bicycle on his vacation in Jackson Hole, came to a sudden arboreal stop." What do you want from me?
A little love, Leo.
If our children can buy pornography on any street corner for five dollars, isn't that too high a price to pay for free speech?
No.
Really?
On the other hand, I do think that five dollars is too high a price to pay for pornography.
Why don't we all sit down?
No. Let's not, C.J. These people won't be staying that long. May I have some coffee, Mr. Lewis? Al, how many times have I asked you to denounce the practices of a fringe group that calls itself The Lambs of God?
Sir, it's not up to me to--
Crap. It is up to you, Al. You know, my wife, Abbey, she never wants me to do anything while I'm upset. [a staffer hands him coffee] Thank you, Mr. Lewis. Twenty-eight years ago, I come home from a very bad day at the State House. I tell Abbey I'm going out for a drive. I get in the station wagon and put it in reverse, and pull out of the garage full speed. [Leo and Sam appear in the doorway and quietly enter into the room.] Except I forgot to open the garage door. Abbey told me to not drive while I was upset and she was right. She was right yesterday when she told me not to get on that damn bicycle while I was upset, but I did it anyway, and I guess I was just about as angry as I've ever been in my life. It seems my granddaughter, Annie, had given an interview in one of the teen magazines. And somewhere between movie stars and makeup tips, she talked about her feelings on a woman's right to choose. Now Annie, all of 12, has always been precocious, but she's got a good head on her shoulders and I like it when she uses it. So I couldn't understand it when her mother called me in tears yesterday. I said, "Elizabeth, what's wrong?" She said, "It's Annie." Now, I love my family and I've read my Bible from cover to cover. So I want you to tell me from what part of the Holy Scripture do you suppose the Lambs of God drew their Divine inspiration when they sent my 12 year-old granddaughter a Raggedy Ann doll with a knife stuck through its throat? [pause] You'll denounce these people, Al. You'll do it publicly. And until you do, you can all get your fat asses out of my White House. C.J., show these people out.
I believe we can find the door.
Find it now.
[on the phone with the New York Times] 17 across. Yes, 17 across is wrong... You're spelling his name wrong... What's my name? My name doesn't matter. I am just an ordinary citizen who relies on the Times crossword for stimulation. And I'm telling you that I met the man twice. And I recommended a pre-emptive Exocet missile strike against his air force, so I think I know how...
Leo.
They hang up on me every time.
That's almost hard to believe.
Ms. O'Brien, I understand your feelings, but please believe me when I tell you that I'm a nice guy having a bad day. I just found out the Times is publishing a poll that says a considerable portion of Americans feel the White House has lost energy and focus. A perception that's not likely to be altered by the video footage of the President riding his bicycle into a tree. As we speak, the Coast Guard is fishing Cubans out of the Atlantic Ocean while the Governor of Florida wants to blockade the Port of Miami. A good friend of mine's about to get fired for going on television and making sense, and it turns out I accidentally slept with a prostitute last night. Now would you please, in the name of compassion, tell me which one of those kids is my boss's daughter?
That would be me.
You.
Yes.
Leo's daughter's fourth-grade class.
Yes.
Well, this is bad on so many levels.
The First Commandment says "Honor thy father."
No, it doesn't!
Toby—
It doesn't! [C.J. tries to stop him] No! If I'm gonna make you sit through this preposterous exercise, we're gonna get the names of the damn Commandments right!
Okay, here we go.
"Honor thy father" is the Third Commandment!
Then what's the First Commandment?
"I am the Lord your God; thou shalt worship no other god before me." [enters the room, walking with a cane] Boy, those were the days, huh?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The West Wing pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
