Josiah Bartlet quotes from The West Wing

Bartlet

[Trying to persuade the California governor to evacuate San Andreo] Better a few fender benders on the I-5 than a generation of babies with thyroid cancer.

Bartlet

[trying to figure out the nuclear plant accident] I thought a degree in economics was plenty for this job. My kingdom for a plumbing license.

If our children can buy pornography on any street corner for five dollars, isn't that too high a price to pay for free speech?

Bartlet

No.

Really?

Bartlet

On the other hand, I do think that five dollars is too high a price to pay for pornography.

C.J.

Why don't we all sit down?

Bartlet

No. Let's not, C.J. These people won't be staying that long. May I have some coffee, Mr. Lewis? Al, how many times have I asked you to denounce the practices of a fringe group that calls itself The Lambs of God?

Sir, it's not up to me to--

Bartlet

Crap. It is up to you, Al. You know, my wife, Abbey, she never wants me to do anything while I'm upset. [a staffer hands him coffee] Thank you, Mr. Lewis. Twenty-eight years ago, I come home from a very bad day at the State House. I tell Abbey I'm going out for a drive. I get in the station wagon and put it in reverse, and pull out of the garage full speed. [Leo and Sam appear in the doorway and quietly enter into the room.] Except I forgot to open the garage door. Abbey told me to not drive while I was upset and she was right. She was right yesterday when she told me not to get on that damn bicycle while I was upset, but I did it anyway, and I guess I was just about as angry as I've ever been in my life. It seems my granddaughter, Annie, had given an interview in one of the teen magazines. And somewhere between movie stars and makeup tips, she talked about her feelings on a woman's right to choose. Now Annie, all of 12, has always been precocious, but she's got a good head on her shoulders and I like it when she uses it. So I couldn't understand it when her mother called me in tears yesterday. I said, "Elizabeth, what's wrong?" She said, "It's Annie." Now, I love my family and I've read my Bible from cover to cover. So I want you to tell me from what part of the Holy Scripture do you suppose the Lambs of God drew their Divine inspiration when they sent my 12 year-old granddaughter a Raggedy Ann doll with a knife stuck through its throat? [pause] You'll denounce these people, Al. You'll do it publicly. And until you do, you can all get your fat asses out of my White House. C.J., show these people out.

I believe we can find the door.

Bartlet

Find it now.

The First Commandment says "Honor thy father."

Toby

No, it doesn't!

Josh Lyman

Toby—

Toby

It doesn't! [C.J. tries to stop him] No! If I'm gonna make you sit through this preposterous exercise, we're gonna get the names of the damn Commandments right!

Okay, here we go.

Toby

"Honor thy father" is the Third Commandment!

Then what's the First Commandment?

Bartlet

"I am the Lord your God; thou shalt worship no other god before me." [enters the room, walking with a cane] Boy, those were the days, huh?

C.J.

Sir, this may be a good time to talk about your sense of humor.

Bartlet

I've got an intelligence briefing, a security briefing, and a 90-minute budget meeting all scheduled for the same 45 minutes. You sure this is a good time to talk about my sense of humor?

C.J.

No.

Bartlet

Me neither.

C.J.

It's just that it's not the first time that it's happened.

Bartlet

I know.

Toby

We're talking about Texas, sir.

Bartlet

I know.

C.J.

USA Today asks you why you don't spend more time campaigning in Texas and you say it's because you don't look good in funny hats.

Sam

It was big hats.

C.J.

What difference does it make?

Bartlet

It makes a difference.

C.J.

The point is we got whomped in Texas.

Josh

We got whomped in Texas twice.

C.J.

We got whomped in the primary and we got whomped in November.

Bartlet

I think I was there.

C.J.

And it was avoidable. Sir.

Bartlet

CJ, on your tombstone it's gonna read 'Post hoc ergo propter hoc.'

CJ

Okay, but none of my visitors are going to be able to understand my tombstone.

Bartlet

Twenty-seven lawyers in the room, anybody know 'post hoc, ergo propter hoc'? Josh?

Josh

Ah, post, after hoc, ergo, therefore... After hoc, therefore something else hoc.

Bartlet

Thank you. Next? Leo.

Leo

'After it, therefore because of it'.

Bartlet

'After it, therefore because of it'. It means one thing follows the other, therefore it was caused by the other. But it's not always true. In fact it's hardly ever true. We did not lose Texas because of the hat joke. Do you know when we lost Texas?

C.J.

When you learned to speak Latin?

Bartlet

Go figure.

Bartlet

I don't need a flu shot.

You do need a flu shot.

Bartlet

How do I know this isn't the start of a military coup?

Sir?

Bartlet

I want the Secret Service in here right away.

In the event of a military coup, sir, what makes you think the Secret Service is gonna be on your side?

Bartlet

Now that's a thought that's gonna fester.

Bartlet

What's the virtue of the proportional response?

I'm sorry?

Bartlet

What is the virtue of a proportional response? Why's it good? They hit an airplane, so we hit a transmitter, right? That's a proportional response.

Sir, in the case of Pericles 1 --

Bartlet

[talking over him] They hit a barracks, so we hit two transmitters.

That's roughly it, yes, sir.

Bartlet

This is what we do. I mean, this is what we do.

Leo

Yes, sir, it's what we do. It's what we've always done.

Bartlet

Well, if it's what we do, if it's what we've always done, don't they know we're going to do it?

Leo

Sir, if you'd turn your attention to Pericles 1 --

Bartlet

I have turned my attention to Pericles 1. It's two ammo dumps, an abandoned railroad bridge and a Syrian intelligence agency.

Those are four highly-rated targets, sir.

Bartlet

But they know we're gonna do that. They know we're gonna do that! Those areas have been abandoned for three days now. We know that from the satellite, right? We have the intelligence. [over Leo's attempt to speak up] They did that, so we did this. It's the cost of doing business. It's been factored in, right?

Leo

Mr. President --

Bartlet

Am I right, or am I missing something here?

No, sir. You're right, sir.

Bartlet

Then I ask again, what is the virtue of a proportional response?

It isn't virtuous, Mr. President. It's all there is, sir.

Bartlet

It is not all there is.

Leo

Sir, Admiral Fitzwallace --

Excuse me, Leo...pardon me, Mr. President, just what else is there?

Bartlet

The disproportional response. Let the word ring forth, from this time and this place, gentlemen, you kill an American, any American, we don't come back with a proportional response. We come back with total disaster! [He bangs the table]

Are you suggesting that we carpet-bomb Damascus?

Bartlet

I am suggesting, General, that you, and Admiral Fitzwallace, and Secretary Hutchinson, and the rest of the National Security Team take the next sixty minutes and put together an American response scenario that doesn't make me think we're just docking somebody's damn allowance!

Bartlet

Did you know that two thousand years ago a Roman citizen could walk across the face of the known world free of the fear of molestation? He could walk across the Earth unharmed, cloaked only in the protection of the words civis Romanus -- I am a Roman citizen. So great was the retribution of Rome, universally certain, should any harm befall even one of its citizens. Where was Morris's protection, or anybody else on that airplane? Where was the retribution for the families, and where is the warning to the rest of the world that Americans shall walk this Earth unharmed, lest the clenched fist of the most mighty military force in the history of mankind comes crashing down on your house?! In other words, Leo, what the hell are we doing here?!

Leo

We are behaving the way a superpower ought to behave.

Bartlet

Well our behavior has produced some crappy results, in fact I'm not a hundred per cent sure it hasn't induced it.

Leo

What are you talking about?

Bartlet

I'm talking about two hundred and eighty-six American marines in Beirut, I'm talking about Somalia, I'm talking about Nairobi-

Leo

And you think ratcheting up the body count's gonna act as a deterrent?

Bartlet

You're damn right I-

Leo

Oh, then you are just as stupid as these guys who think capital punishment is going to be a deterrent for drug kingpins. As if drug kingpins didn't live their day to day lives under the possibility of execution, and their executions are a lot less dainty than ours and tend to take place without the bother and expense of due process. So, my friend, if you want to start using American military strength as the arm of the Lord, you can do that. We're the only superpower left. You can conquer the world, like Charlemagne! But you better be prepared to kill everyone. And you better start with me, because I will raise up an army against you and I will beat you!

Bartlet

He had a ten day old baby at home.

Leo

I know.

Bartlet

We are doing nothing.

Leo

We are not doing nothing.

Bartlet

We're destroying-

Leo

Four high-rated military targets!

Bartlet

And this is good?

Leo

Of course it's not good. There is no good. It's what there is! It's how you behave if you're the most powerful nation in the world. It's proportional, it's reasonable, it's responsible, it's merciful! It's not nothing. Four high-rated military targets.

Bartlet

Which they'll rebuild again in six months.

Leo

Then we'll blow 'em up again in six months! We're getting really good at it... It's what our fathers taught us.

Bartlet

Why didn't you say so? Oh, Leo...when I think of all the work you put in to get me to run and all the work you did to get me elected...I could pummel your ass with a baseball bat.

Josh

I have to tell you, he's ordinarily an extremely kind man, placing a very high premium on civility. Today...it's just been a very difficult few days for him.

Charlie

I think I should probably go.

Bartlet

Excuse me, Charlie? Can I see you inside, please? Come on, it's okay.

Bartlet

I'm Jed Bartlet.

Charlie

I'm Charles Young, sir.

Bartlet

But you prefer Charlie, right? Listen, Leo McGarry filled me in on the situation with your mother. I'm so very sorry. I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of calling Tom Connolly, the FBI Director, and we had the computer spit out some quick information. Your mother was killed by a Western .38 revolver firing KTWs, or what are known as cop-killer bullets. Now, we have not had a whole lot of success yet in banning that weapon and those bullets off the streets, but we're planning on taking a big whack at it when Congress comes back from recess. So, what do you say? You want to come help us out?

Charlie

[smiling] Yes, sir, I do.

Bartlet

Thank you, Charlie. [shakes his hand]

Charlie

I've never felt like this before.

Josh

It doesn't go away.

Bartlet

[on pain medication] What's going on here?

Sam

Nothing you need to concern yourself with, Mr. President. Merely a perception issue regarding Toby and the financial disclosure.

Bartlet

Well, I like to roll up my sleeves and, you know ... get involved.

C.J.

Mr. President. Did you by any chance take your back pills?

Bartlet

I don't mind telling you C.J. I was in a little pain there.

Leo

Which did you take, sir, the Vicodin or the Percocet?

Bartlet

I wasn't supposed to take 'em both?

C.J.

Okay, Mr. President, we're going to have someone take you back to bed.

Bartlet

No no no. Sit sit sit. One of you's got a problem, and I'm here to help. You guys are like family. You've always been there for me. You've always been loyal, honest, hard-working good people, and I love you all very much, and I don't say that often enough. [to Sam] So, tell me what the problem is, Toby.

Sam

I'm Sam, sir.

Bartlet

Sam, of course you are.

Toby

Sir, the situation basically is this. I arranged for a friend to testify to Commerce on Internet stocks, while simultaneously, but unrelated to that, bought a technology issue which, partly due to my friend's testimony, shot through the roof.

Bartlet

Toby. Toby, Toby, Toby. Toby's a nice name, don't you think?

Toby

Can we possibly do this meeting at another time?

Bartlet

No no no, I know my body. I know my muscles aren't, you know, but my mind is sharp. I can focus. I'm focused. You all know that about me. Here's what I think we ought to do. [beat] Was I just saying something?

Toby

It's not so much that you cheat sir, its how brazenly bad you are at it.

Bartlet

Give me an example.

Toby

In Florida, playing mixed doubles with me and C.J., you tried to tell us your partner worked at the American Consulate in Vienna.

Bartlet

She did.

Toby

It was Steffi Graf, sir!

Bartlet

I'll admit the woman bore a striking resemblance to her.

Toby

You crazy lunatic, you think I'm not going to recognize Steffi Graf when she's serving a tennis ball at me?

Bartlet

Hey, everybody, listen up - Zoe's down from Hanover and I'm making chili for everyone tonight!

Josh

Oh God...

[With a noticeable lack of enthusiasm] Great! Great!

Bartlet

[Put out] Okay, you know what? Let's do this. Everybody look down at the big seal in the middle of my carpet. [Everyone looks down at the Presidential seal] Now look back up at me. [They do so] Zoe's down from Hanover and I'm making chili for everyone tonight!

[With more convincing forced enthusiasm] That's great! I love chili! Terrific!

Bartlet

There! You see how benevolent I can be when everybody just does what I tell them to do?

Toby

[while playing basketball] It's not so much that you cheat sir, it's how brazenly bad you are at it.

Bartlet

I beg your pardon! When have I ever cheated?

Toby

How about in Florida, playing mixed doubles with me and C.J., you tried to tell us your partner worked at the American Consulate in Vienna.

Bartlet

She did.

Toby

It was Steffi Graf, sir!

Bartlet

I'll admit the woman bore a striking resemblance to her.

Toby

You crazy lunatic! You think I'm not going to recognize Steffi Graf when she's serving a tennis ball at me?!

Toby

Not so fast.

Bartlet

What's the problem?

Toby

Mr. Grant, your name sounds awfully familiar... Before you joined up with the President's Council on Physical Fitness, a council, I might add, the President would do well to avail himself of... Is it possible, that you played some organized ball?

Yeah, I used to play a little with my friends.

Toby

And where was that?

I'm sorry?

Toby

Where would that be?

Duke.

Toby

This guy was in the Final Four!

The Secret Service...

Zoey

The Secret Service should worry about you getting shot!

They are worried about me getting shot. I'm worried about me getting shot! But that is nothing compared to how terrified we are of you. You scare the hell out of the Secret Service, Zoey, and you scare the hell out of me, too. My getting killed would be bad enough, but that is not the nightmare scenario. The nightmare scenario, sweetheart, is you getting kidnapped. You go out to a bar or a party in some club and you get up to go to the restroom. Somebody comes up from behind, puts their hand across your mouth and whisks you out the back door. You're so petrified you don't even notice the bodies of two Secret Service agents lying on the ground with bullet holes in their heads. Then you're whisked away in a car. It's a big party with lots of noise and lots of people coming and going and it's a half hour before someone says, "Hey, where's Zoey?" Another fifteen minutes before the first phone call. It's another hour and a half before anyone even thinks to shut down all the airports! And now we're off to the races! You're tied to a chair in a cargo shack somewhere in the middle of Uganda and I am told that I have seventy-two hours to get Israel to free four hundred and sixty terrorist prisoners. So I'm on the phone, pleading with Binyamin and he's saying "I'm sorry Mr President, but Israel simply does not negotiate with terrorists, period! It's the only way we can survive." So now we got a new problem, because this country no longer has a commander-in-chief but has a father who's out of his mind because his little girl is in a shack somewhere in Uganda with a gun to her head! Do you get it?!

Mr. President?

C.J.

No questions right now, Harry.

A short one.

Bartlet

She's not worried about the length of your question, she's worried about the length of my response.