The Venture Bros. · Season 1
Here is where you are wrong, my friend. This woman has killed before.
Allegedly.
Okay, whatever. But she was a big girl. We are talking about a large, healthy woman of questionable stability.
Oh, you are totally underestimating the never-say-die scrappiness of a survivor.
Hey, guess what? Nobody cares who would win in a crazy fantasy fist-fight between Anne Frank and Lizzie Borden.
With every fiber of my being I stab at thee, as long as blood flows through this heart I will hunt you down. I will be the stuff of your children's nightmares.
What's he doing now?
He's making his dramatic exit.
(sigh) This could take all night, I'm gonna get Brock.
I think he's almost done.
And then, when nothing can be heard but your cries of agony, I will pull the chain and let the beast devour you. Mark my words: I will have my revenge, DR. VENTURE!
Sweetie, isn't that the guy from Depeche Mode?
Oh no, wait, where? Holy crap, he's with a girl!
Oh yeah, that guy is totally straight. I saw a whole thing about him on the VH1.
But he's the guy from Depeche Mode. That's impossible!
Straight!
Come on! He's in Depeche Mode!
(indicating Brock to the rest of the team) This is Agent Samson. You will know him and refer him only as Team Leader. His whim is your command. If he tells you to put on a dress and dance... I'd better see those moneymakers shakin! Am I understood?
You have some dangerous machinery for sale here. I think you're begging for trouble on this one.
I thought you handled all that. And I don't hear any big ideas from you on how to get some quick cash. C'mon, most of this stuff is old crap my dad left behind.
(exasperated) DOC! You have a table over there with a sign that says "laser death ray bargain bin"!
(dismissively) Well, that's why you have your little ska band there, to keep the oddballs in costumes from raising Cain.
(needing to go to the bathroom) Oooh, wow. That hoagie went right threw me.I need to make a desposit at the bank, so to speak.
(Dr. Orpheus wordlessly approaches The Monarch, slaps him across the face, and magically sets his shoes on fire)
(shocked, stamping out the fire) You dick!
Doctor Orpheus did this! To exact proper retribution, (he produces a business card with a flourish) you can find me at this address! (as an afterthought) Nights only.
What? What did I do?
(The Intangible Fancy, an ethereal, ghost-like villain, appears behind The Monarch)
When the sun sleeps... the wolves begin to howl.
(bewildered) What the hell is going on here? Did somebody put a sign on my back or something?
(after using the Venture household restroom) Honestly, what kind of jackass leaves every door unlocked? I'm not going to flush. Let them see the wrath of the Monarch!
(finally inside Dr. Venture's laboratory) Oh my god, look at this place. It's like a museum of failure.
It's almost depressing.
Here I am, in the belly of the beast, and I don't even care. (indicating a gadget nearby) I don't even feel like taking a whiz on this. I used to DREAM of taking a whiz on this!
So I guess...we're not gonna...
What can I do to this guy that life hasn't already? I almost feel sorry for him.
Why is it every time I need to get somewhere, we get waylaid by jackassery?
Is my tie on straight?
Yeah. Can't really miss with a clip-on.
(Venture just revealed that, in college...)
Wait! You lived with BROCK?? That is so unbelievably cool!
No wonder you guys are such super pals!
(Brock just sits expressionlessly)
Actually... back then we didn't see much of each other...
(dorm flashback: Venture is laying awake in his bunk. Brock's bunk above his is squeaking, bouncing up and down furiously, accompanied by Brock grunting rhythmically and a young woman moaning)
We had very different schedules... always coming and going... at... different times...
Wait, tell 'em who really won the roommate lottery that year.
Oh, God, don't remind me.
Okay, so the university sticks me with this exchange student, (switch to college) but check it out, he's, like, a prince or something. His parents sent him a care package last week for his birthday. You know what he got? A personal slave. The poor guy sleeps in my closet. Speak of the dickweed. Hey, Werner.
Baron Ünderbheit!!!
(back to present) Yeah. You told 'em?
No, Baron Ünderbheit is right there!
Holy crap! Brock, kick his butt!
Relax, boys, he's not gonna do anything. It's hallowed ground.
So what was he (Baron Ünderbheit) like in the olden days?
Well, except for the metal jaw, pretty much the same—total dick.
(dorm flashback: Ünderbheit and White arguing near door of Venture's room)
The tape is on the floor for a reason, Peter! Your things belong on your side of the room and don't think I haven't noticed that you moved it to make your area larger. If you cannot obey the simplest of rules...
Yeah, well, you don't make the rules, fella. You might be a big shot in your own country but around here you're just a kid with the weirdest-smelling lunch.
ARRRRRRGGGGHHH! Very well! Then you leave me with no choice but to take this up with the R.A. at the next floor meeting. Come, man-servant.
(Ünderbheit leaves)
Who cuts his hair, the Incredible Hulk?
What, did he walk into the barbershop and say, "what can you do to make me look more like Pete Rose?"
Hey, what's wrong with his hair? I have, like, the same haircut.
Yeah, but you're Chinese, your people can't be blamed for what your hair does.
I'm Japanese, jerk-off. But yah, that's so true. At least I don't have his eyebrows.
You wanna see eyebrows, come to my Creative Writing class. There's this kid, no joke, they're out to here, and the weirdness doesn't stop there. All he writes are these way-too-specific poems about monarch butterflies. Total closet case!
(present) Okay, this is getting nuts. You're not gonna tell me that you went to college with the Monarch too! Where did you guys go, Super Crazy No-Way School?!
Careful Lad. Those hands of his are strong enough to crush a boulder. Yet delicate enough to crush a butterfly.
You made Leslie Cohen robots? Jeez.
Yeah, I think I did a pretty good job.
Sure, but why would you do that, fella?
To have sex with, Pete. I think that obvious. The man was obsessed with her in college
So? He was obsessed with Coco from Fame the year before.
(on the radio): You're listening to the White Room. I'm your host, the evah-populah Pete White. This next one's a dedication to Leslie Cohen from her little buddy Mike Sorayama. And he writes "Leslie, I masturbate furiously to your picture every night. Please notice me. Love, Mike."
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Venture Bros. pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
