Brock Samson quotes from The Venture Bros.

Brock

Hey, have you seen the boys? They were supposed to be practicing for their road test but it looks like they forgot the car part. What, uh... what are you guys, uh... into there?

Orpheus is making me follow that magic head thing I told you about.

Dr. Orpheus

We're very close to divining its will!!

Brock

Aww, he's got you doin' it now. You guys are cute together. I'm going to go look for the boys. (to himself) Story of my life.

Hank

So is she or isn't she?

Brock

OK, Hank, look! She used to be Power Cat on American Gladiators. Show gets tanked, she checks herself into the nuthouse. Every couple of years, she puts on the old costume, kidnaps you, or tries to kill your dad or burns down the compound. Depends on what meds she's coming off of.

Dean

How come we don't remember her then?

Brock

Look. You don't remember because you're cl--

Hank

I can't help feeling like we're not getting the whole story.

Dean

Right! Maybe she was telling the truth.

All right! So I fucked her! What of it?

Brock

Hey, you know what? I think I... I feel a little bad about killing that guy.

Dr. Orpheus

[Brock's POV, he is shimmering wildly as Brock begins to hallucinate] Yeees, my friend, a splendid first step indee- [vomits again]

More power! I must have more power! Look Brock, his fingers! They're twitching!

Brock

Yeah, well, a stiff will do that if you shove a gigavolt up its ass.

No, he's alive! ALIVE I tell you!

Brock

Uh, sure Doc.

Brock

Holy shit.

Brock, I need dead people. Lots and lots of dead people.

Brock

Uh-huh.

Now I've already got 12 from the henchmen you killed, not counting the black guy without the head, but we need like, uh, 100 something. We need like a full gross of dead people.

Brock

Right, and, uh... where are we gonna get all these dead people?

Well, I thought, seeing as you are... you know, you and all, I thought maybe... you could go out and--

Brock

No.

--make some...

Brock

No.

...dead people.

Brock

No.

Well, fine. Thanks a lot for not helping.

Brock

Anything else?

HELP ME GET DEAD PEOPLE!

Brock

Why's he gotta cry like that?

Hank

I think you scare him.

Brock

Well, I'm not the one who froze his corpse or nuked him back from the Great Beyond to be a half-dead short bus seat warmer.

But you did kill him. And then when I unkilled him you kind of did it again.

Hank

You hit him so hard he has an afro now!

Brock

Yeah, he was just this guy... guy in a butterfly suit who got in over his head. And I could see it in his eyes that if I let him get away this one time he'd never come back...but then, I also thought...y'know...Kill 'im. What kind of way is that ta -

Quanto! (Begins to Mumble)

Wuh - one time, I am in the Amazon, on my canoe, and I see, swim, the dolphin, the, uh, the beautiful dolphin, so I slip out of my canoe, and I grab her, this...fish...(Shaman mimes a penis penetrating a vagina, placing one finger through two looped together)...and, uh, then I fucked it... the fish!

Brock

The Hell's that got to with anything?

Kayho Hadaile!

Hot dolphin!

Brock

[suddenly realizing] You're an idiot!

You see, Brock Samson, we're all one. We all share the same need for shelter, warmth, fulfillment. The secret of happiness lies not in conquest, but in empathy.

Brock

Wooooaaah. Better dolphin!

Samson!!

Brock

Hunter?!

What is all this namby-pamby feel bad about good wet work bullshit?! You're beyond good and evil, Superman! You work for the government.

Brock

What about uhhh, humanity and empathy and all that garbage?

Who cares? You're going to special ops heaven.

Brock

Really?

Really! And it's god damned great! [He flies upwards, clutching Brock to him] The G-Man Valhalla! There's trim and guns everywhere. And we eat steak flavored clouds and poop secrets!

Brock

[Hugging one of Hunter's gigantic Breasts] But you're not even dead. You're a woman!

And you're a tool, boy, a tool! Built for a single purpose by the United States of shut your third god damned eye for a good fucking reason! You can't teach a hammer to love nails, son. That dog don't hunt!

Brock

DON'T! HUNT!

NO! Another one!

Brock

DON'T HUNT!

Not so fast, los—[Brock grabs his arm] Don't shoot me!

Sonny

Mine is the sword of Michael! [the gun fires, shooting Sonny] I'm bleeding all over!

Sonny

[dying] I'm so cold, man...I'm so fuckin' cold.

Oy, he's gonna kill us. Maybe if we beg for mercy.

Oh god, let him. It would be such sweet release from this torture we've brought upon ourselves. Oh fuck it, you kill me. Just don't hit my head or make too much noise doing it.

Brock

I have an idea, chunk. :[the camera pans over to reveal Brock is in a holding cell] You open this door and I'll kill ya.

What. Did. We. DO?!?

Oh shit, I thought I dreamt that part.

No way! Is that...

Brock

[Snarling] David...Bowie.

Brock Samson. It's been a while.

Brock

Not long enough. Your lucky I don't kill you right here after what you pulled in Berlin.

You're welcome to try.

Brock

Hank!

Hank

I'm cool!

Brock

Okay. Try not to die! Go find your brother, we're leaving.

Brock

Doc, you’re OK.

I swallowed a gold filling during the crash, so we have to hook up the metal detector to the toilet again. What did we miss?

Hank

The guy from Labyrinth turned into a bird!

(somberly) Brock... am I a bad person?

Brock

Doc, what the hell just hap...

Am I, Brock?

Brock

(pauses, then rocks his hand in a "kind of" gesture) Ehhhh......

Brock

Cow's on my side. That's 6 - 2 me.

Monster! I'll catch you yet. [yelling out the window] Show yourselves, you cowards!! This is the farm belt, let's see some action on this side!!

Brock

Cow's on my side. 7 - 2.

Unconscionable bastard!!

Brock

Oh, oh! [pointing out Hunter's window] Cemetery! You lose all your cows!!

[pulls the car over] Damnit, this side's cursed! Your turn to drive, you lurid golem!