(deleted scene)
(Reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers)
I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of The Economist.
That's right, Glenn, you'll have to hold my hand through this complicated world: some of us weren't up the Acropolis the day that you and Roy Jenkins invented democracy.
Oh my God. Did you know that he'd been some kind of womaniser?
You wanna check the Sun, they've got a woman who claims he womanised her three times in a day at the gazebo at Chequers. Front, back, and in the gallery, as I understand it.
(Over at Opposition HQ, however, Malcolm's departure is being celebrated by Peter Mannion and his team.)
Yeah, a really shit era though, isn't it?
(to Phil) Oh, f-- Calm down!
Balrog's dead! I mean, that's it. I mean, they're done. I mean, no one can replace him. It's like when Queen lost Freddie. You know. Certainly not Paul Rodgers.
(Stewart Pearson, however, wants no part of the festivities. He wants everyone to get back to business.)
All right, everyone. That's the two seconds of respect due to him. Now get back to your desks and do something, okay? (to a female worker) Not the sofa! Who are you, Lorraine Kelly? Get out here and do something! If you've nothing to do, leave, because you're clearly surplus to requirements!
(Steve is at DoSAC, trying to gently assure everyone that everything's alright.)
Um, lads and lasses! (He laughs) Please, just a quick word. Thank you. Really, it's just a hand-hold to set the tone for a slightly re-jigged regime. I've done all the important departments, and now I've got to you. (He laughs again) Seriously, I've done that joke everywhere, but, uh, even with the genuinely big departments. So I'm not -- (imitating gun fire) -- aiming at you in any sort of a snide way. I'm just checking that we're all at the very top of our games. (Steve then looks at Glenn, who's looking at his cell phone.) Glenn, mate?
Are you on top of your game?
I am -- I am above my game. I-I'm in a geo-stationary orbit, way above it, looking down and going, "Hello, game, it's Glenn!"
(laughing) Right! You know, there's an election looming. This is quite a serious time. We need to be aware of that. (Steve points in Glenn's direction, smiling) But I love humor, and that was good humor.
(Malcolm is at home with a man going through alternative career options.)
MMan
Do you want to swim the Channel for Scope?
MMan
Do you want to do Dragon's Den for Children in Need?
I'd rather fuck a real dragon.
MMan
Would you consider promoting a politically themed restaurant?
How does that – how does that even work? Oh fuck no, I don't care.
MMan
Would you like to write a children's book, called 'The Angry Spider'?
Yeah, you know, a bit of instability with Malcolm gone, a sort of sense of Post – you know, Psychotic Twats Disorder, but –
No no, listen, I understand, but you know, right now, you're all emerging from the cellar – pleased that the beatings have stopped - scared of what the future might hold, but long-term, I think we're all gonna be okay. Pep talk, over! Return to your desks, and prepare for government.
(smiling, but clearly annoyed) Well then, prepare to stay in government.
Oh right. How do we do that?
We pack an overnight bag.
(apoplectic) Will you PLEASE, FUCKING WELL – (Steve immediately composes himself, and lets out a forced laugh) I'm sorry, I've lost my temper! Where is it? Where is it? Oh, no, I've found it again. It's alright.
Always in the last place you look, eh?
Uh, actually, can I have a word with you, Nicky, please?
(Steve wants to talk to Nicola in her office about the upcoming election...and he's standing a bit too close for her comfort.)
I just wanted to check. Obviously, Dan Miller's cabal is going house to house through the cabinet looking for numbskulls stupid enough to resign to trigger his elevation to the throne.
What I need to know is are you solid?
Yeah, I am completely -- I am solid as, as the proverbial. As-as a rock. As a rock-hard...as a sailor's wang on shore leave.
(very pleased) Superb. You really are the potty mouth, aren't you?
(chuckling) Well, a lot to do.
(After Steve leaves her office, Nicola calls out to Glenn & Ollie.)
Ollie, Glenn, in here now. Quick, quick, quick.
(Glenn approaches the office while taking off his glasses.)
Oh Glenn! Don't faff around with your glasses, I know you take them off every time you come in here. It's not impressive. (to Glenn and Ollie) What do we know about the anti-Tom cabal? Why have I not been contacted by them?
Because it would be you...uh, you're seen very much as an individual around the, uh...
(embarrassed) That's bollocks, isn't it? It's 'cause I'm the girl at the party nobody wants to dance with. I'm the freak in the corner with a pint of cider and blackcurrant and the funny eye.
No no. I-I mean, it's...You know, it a big, big Rolodex full of numbers. I'm sure...
(to both Glenn & Ollie) Thank you. You may go.
(stammering) We st-We still would like to dance with you.
(to Glenn) Oh, fuck off. Go and put your glasses back on.
(Malcolm is watching the nightly TV news at home when, all of a sudden, his cell phone rings...)
Hello, Phillip Schofield, I fuck lobsters for money.
(Somebody is telling Malcolm something important.)
(Julius Nicholson is trying to persuade Malcolm Tucker to return as the two of them are sharing an Indian take-away meal.)
Um, I want you to be very clear, Malc, about why it is that I brought you in. Do you know what hat it is that I'm wearing?
Is it your baldy swimming cap wig?
No, it is my government troubleshooter stetson, which is a long way from my homburg of sober inquiry.
Do you know that I'm thinking of doing a television program?
Well, I had heard something on the grapevine.
Yeah, it's good. You know that program Civilisation with Kenneth Clark?
It's gonna be like that, except with fucking more quim, you know? It's me, Simon Schama and Alan Yentob in a cage, fucking lump hammer each, whacking the shit out of each other. The last man standing wins a fucking Ford Focus.
The thing is, Malcolm, your departure has basically precipitated a call-to-arms, in effect. We have it on reasonably good authority that there are between three to four cabinet ministers who are disgruntled and are planning a mass resignation. And that means, very simply, a Dan Miller coronation. And as my nephew would say, "This shit just got real."
Yeah, he's at Charterhouse. Only a day boy, not a boarder. Anyway, the fact is it has to be stopped. Um...There have been a number of ideas being tossed around. And one of them is...would you be prepared to come back?
(in disbelief) Are you out of your tiny, shiny fucking mind?
Look, we can do this simply.
(Julius picks up four colored pencils.)
Step 1: Are you interested? Of course you are. (Julius drops a pencil) Step 2: Will you come back? Yes? (He drops another pencil) Superb. Step 3, and this is the important step: Will you use your considerable influence to destroy the cabal? Can I drop it down? (Julius drops down that pencil, too) Fan-dabi-dozi! Step 4: It's party time. Let's tool up with basmati rice and...Wahey!
(rightfully confused) You're asking me -- to come back here and mop up the fucking splatter from my own assassination?
You know where the bodies are buried. And we'll just say you're coming back to advise, it's election strategy, it's not a day-to-day government business role.
I can't come back again unless I know that I'm in the clear in your report.
I'm not in a position to discuss that; not with my current hat on. However, would I be sat here now if the man in the other hat—which is also me—wasn't sure that everyone involved in this inquiry didn't come out relatively well?
And what about Steve Fleming, yeah? You schizo hat fuck?
Let me put it this way: You see this onion bhaji? Let us pretend for a minute that this onion bhaji is the problems that would be caused by a report that criticised you or Steve Fleming. Hmm? Watch. (Julius takes a bite of the bhaji.) You see what I’m doing? I’m eating.. the onion bhaji. (He eats the rest of the bhaji.) Why? Because I am the man that makes the bhaji go away.
(Nicola is confronting Malcolm head-on.)
Hey Nicola! How are you doing?
Yeah I'm just, you know, tying up a few loose ends.
With which you're going to plait some kind of garotte and strangle me.
Forgive and forget. That's my motto.
I thought your motto was 'Who fucks wins' or 'Honi soit qui Malc y fuck'.
I've got a lot of mottos. Don't take that job, Nicola.
The anti-Tom brigade are just waiting for the first piece to fall. If you resign, it's political fucking Jenga. You will cause a landslide that will bury this Government. And you'll keep the party in opposition until Daniel Radcliffe is advertising walk-in baths in the fucking People's Friend.
(Steve approaches Julius while he's feeding ducks.)
The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.
Well, actually, that is a popular misconception, because what happens is the rain falls just before the mountain ridge, but they wouldn't want you to know that, because it would spoil the rhyme.
Julius. What's up, Boo-Boo? (Both men laugh)
Not much, I'm just feeding some victuals to these poor old ducks. That red-crested pochard there is positively hoggish with this Hovis.
I heard certain rumblings that I don't come out terribly well in this report of yours. Off the record, matey, am I fucked?
Off the record, and this is strictly between you, me and that ornamental gatepost over there...
(smiling) The report is strictly confidential until publication. (Julius slightly chuckles) Do you see what I've done there? The bald man has done "a funny."
(unamused) It's not funny. No, it's not funny at all, Julius.
(continuing to laugh) I beg to differ. I think I'm on sparkling form.
For fuck's sake! You FUCKING... Pontius Pilate, with the emphasis on PONCE!
(Julius barges into Malcolm's office -- and no, Julius is NOT in a good mood!)
...are a naughty bastard!
(holding up Julius' report) Best thing I've read all year. It's the only thing, mind you.
You've done some pretty awful things to me in my time, but this takes the bloody biscuit. And you've pissed on that biscuit and I've got to eat it. Well, here's the news, Malcolm, I will not eat the pissy biscuit!
Sam, no pissy biscuits. (to Julius) What are you going on about, Julius?
You made it look as if Steve Fleming leant on me so that I would wrongly exonerate him. And as a result, I had to come down upon him like a ton of bricks. Totally unfairly just to protect my unimpeachable reputation for fairness.
Yeah, well. It's a great report. I mean, what I really like about it is it's fucking short. How long did it take you to rewrite the Steve Fleming stuff?
I pulled an all-nighter. Black coffee, Vivaldi on the iPod Touch.
It was certainly worth it. I mean, he comes over as a 28-carat shite.
(Steve enters Malcolm's office, and he's not happy either.)
(to Steve) Oh, Steve, mate. Have you seen the papers? Looks like you're becoming the story.
(to Steve) Steven, can I begin by saying...
(to Julius) Oh no, I understand, Julius. It's the game we play. You did what you had to do.
Yes, but all the same, Steven...
(to Steve) I'm sorry. (to Malcolm, unhappily) I'll not forget this.
(After giving Malcolm an ice cold stare, Steve gets ready to go back to his office and clear his desk.)
You off to clear your desk, Steve? Don't forget your lucky gonk, and your "World's Shittiest Dad" mug.
(returning to Malcolm) We were on the same side, Malcolm, and you fucked me over.
Not me, Steve-o, not me. The independent report. So you know, I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to go.
Oh, I agree with you, I'm going. I'm gonna resign from the Cabinet. And then, I'm going to go and join Dan Miller's team. (beat) I think we need a new leader. (walks off)
Steve, don't you ever take up fucking poker, 'cause you're a crap liar.
I am gonna join Dan Miller's team and then we are gonna take you down. We are gonna take you down to funky town! Funky Town Centre, here you come! CHOO FUCKING CHOO!
Is this what you're threatening me with, fucking disco lights and a fucking choo-choo train? You're a joke, Steve!
(laughing) There's nothing you can do!
There's one thing I can do!
Yeah, wouldn't you like to know!
Who are you gonna meet? Who's your meeting with?
I'M NOT FUCKING WORRIED, MATE! (walks down the corridor) Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him!
