Malcolm (entering Ben's office): Oh, here she is. Pippa Middleton, trying to steal the limelight with your peachy little arse. Right, where are we?
Well, I've just offered Ben here Deputy Leadership of the party.
I don't want it. I want Chancellor.
Malcolm (surprised): Chancellor? Of the United Kingdom?
Yeah, it's what Nicola's offering me.
Are you sure about this Ben, how's your economics?
Good, strong.
What, you're a PPE-er guy?
No, History of Art, but –
Oh right, so you are confident that one day you will be able to shepherd this country out of one of the darkest economic periods in its entire fucking art history?
Look, at the moment, I hold all the cards, including the card that tells you how to play, so – so it's over. The fat lady's singing.
No she's not. The fat man from the GoCompare adverts is talking.
This is tiger-by-the-tail time and I'm loving it, loving it, loving it!
Oh, in that case you leave me no option, Ben, I'm gonna have to say yes.
Oh, Chumba-fucking-wamba! Then I resign on the dotted line.
Can you give us a minute, Ben, please? Dan and I need to talk some strategy.
Might head in the direction of confection; any snack-age, anyone?
No, no.
(Ben leaves)
Is this for real?
No, of course it's not for real, Malcolm. I'm offering him Chancellor, but I might as well be offering him bass player in The Wurzels, because that burly haemorrhoid's getting nowhere near any fucking cabinet of mine.
Good, so how are you gonna shaft him?
That's not my problem. That's your problem, Malcolm.
Right, so this is a little test, is it, you're weighing my balls?
(Dan nods and smiles.)
Should we get Ben?
Oh, he'll be back. Like the shit Terminator. (Ben returns) There he is.
I hereby tweet, 'I have resigned. More to follow.' Didn't seem that momentous.
How many followers have you got?
612, or thereabouts.
Christ, well let's hope it gets retweeted, otherwise you might as well just whisper it to a fucking dead tramp.
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