The Sopranos quotes

Vito Spatafore

(Vito and Paulie argue in the bathroom while Silvio is on the toilet) I was just sayin', I'm gonna get T's piece of my half to Sil for her. Of the thing.

Paulie Walnuts

Back up there, Bluto. Your half? I did all the heavy liftin'.

Vito Spatafore

You would never heard about it without my information.

Paulie Walnuts

Big help. It was fuckin' mayham. You said the place was empty. Doc says I need an ultrasound on my groin and balls.

Vito Spatafore

Sil, you wanna weigh in here?

Silvio Dante

It breaks half and half. You both kick Tony's to me to deal with.

Paulie Walnuts

I'll have it for you Sil, the whole eighty K.

Vito Spatafore

Ho, ho, ho. Eighty K? How's that twenty percent of a million?

Paulie Walnuts

Have a cookie, you're delirious. It was seven fifty, tops.

Vito Spatafore

Fuck it all, Paulie. Tommy cased that shithole.

Silvio Dante

What's with the fuckin' accountin' out there? That's a hundred grand a piece. You got it? We're lookin' after Carmela.

Paulie Walnuts

No question.

Vito Spatafore

Of course. Sooner than later Paulie.

Paulie Walnuts

I gotta piss first, you want half o' that too?

Christopher Moltisanti

(After Benny Fazio and James Zancone hit J.T. Dolan and dragging him out of a meeting) Give me that fuckin' fisheye! I'm offerin' you a way ta wipe your fuckin' obligation! Wasn't me who told you ta start gamblin' again.

J.T. Dolan

I can't write a feature now. I just landed a staff job.

Christopher Moltisanti

People are seein' huge profits with these digital horror movies. Douchebags who never made a film before.

Benny Fazio

That "Saw" thing, four hundred grand ta make, took in a hundred mil worldwide.

J.T. Dolan

I'm a hundred percent well? I deliver this script, I owe you nothin'?

Christopher Moltisanti

You hear this dude? Hundred percent well...he's a bad boy huh, with that lingo? Real fuckin' dark character. My idea is "Saw" meets "Godfather Two." Proven track record, both genres. Young wiseguy, assassin, gets betrayed by his people. They whack 'im, leave his body parts in dumpsters all around the city. Long story short, he is put back together by science, or maybe it's supernatural. And he gets fuckin' payback on everyone who fucked 'im over, includin' the cunt he was engaged to. She was gettin' porked by his boss the night the hero was killed. We'll have a meeting tomorrow. We hear what you've fleshed out before we go ta script. Bing. Two Thirty. Don't make me come look fer you.

Vito Spatafore

Fuck took you so long?

Paulie Walnuts

I had ta get it together, didn't I? We gotta get that cut ta her now.

Vito Spatafore

Easy. That's a fuckin' guilty move.

Paulie Walnuts

Tony's conscious. You capisce? Everybody and his mother was in there talking ta 'im when he was in that coma. Carmela. Who knows what the fuck they said? Maybe he's expectin' that money.

Vito Spatafore

Jesus Christ.

Carmela Soprano

(yelling) I swear ta God, I'm gonna fucking kill you!

What the fuck?!

Carmela Soprano

You made a fool of yourself and our family on national fucking television!?

Look, I didn't even say that shit. Aight, they totally misquoted me.

Meadow Soprano

Holy shit...

Carmela Soprano

Well, of course they did! That's what they do! Which is why I and everybody else told you, "Don't talk to the press!"

Yeah well you're the one who looked like a total asshole. Draggin' me around like I was five years old.

Carmela Soprano

You are a cross to bear. That's all you are. To your father, to me, to everybody.

Fuck this! Alright! Fuck it all! (Anthony Junior leaves)

Hugh DeAngelis

Jesus, Mel, the hell's wrong with you?

Carmela Soprano

What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? (Carmela leaves)

Meadow Soprano

Mom. It had to happen. She's fried.

Paulie! I won forty dollars at Keno. (Paulie grabs her) Ow!

Paulie Walnuts

Is there somethin' you wanna tell me about?

What?

Paulie Walnuts

I just saw Aunt Dottie, and guess what? Turns out she's not my aunt. Turns out she's my mother.

No, that's not true.

Paulie Walnuts

Don't bullshit me. You been bullshitting me my entire life!

Paulie!

Paulie Walnuts

It's true, isn't it? Isn't it? Son of a bitch!

Oh how I dreaded this day.

Paulie Walnuts

I gave you everything! I gave you a son's love, all under false pretenses.

No!

Paulie Walnuts

You're a fraud and a phony! And she's even worse. She's a whore. My mother's a fuckin' whore!

Don't say that! She was a young girl. She wanted to be a nun, but she got in trouble.

Paulie Walnuts

And you helped her out, cooked up this little scheme. Forget who gets victimized!

I loved you. I always loved you. Paulie! (Paulie leaves)

Tony Soprano

"Wallet biopsy"? Nice. Very nice.

These people are sayin' I took money from your wallet? Fuck that!

Christopher Moltisanti

Whoah. Whoah. Whoah. What'd you say?

I was looking for proof of insurance. I was only doin' my job.

Tony Soprano

They heard a lot o' that at Nuremberg. You owe me two K. It was gone from my wallet.

I don't have that kind o' money.

Christopher Moltisanti

One week... (Chris looks at Rudy's name tag) ...Rudy Diaz, or you'll need a paramedic.

Tony Soprano

Is he fuckin' kiddin' me?! I told them I need that W-2 in perpetuity...and 5 percent o' the fuckin' sale price?! He thinks 'cause I'm in this weakened condition, he can take advantage. Well, he can go fuck himself!

Paulie Walnuts

I'm just tellin' you what Phil told me, Ton'.

Tony Soprano

You tell Jason before he sells, he better understand his obligation!

There's lifetime employees who expect compensation. It's only equitable. Now if you're willing to take care of that, maybe we could still work things out.

Tony Soprano, right? Fuck that and fuck him. He's your problem.

Look, the numbers just don't work.

(from afar) Jason! I'm going to the buffet table.

Be right there mom. If I give Tony what he wants, I lose money on the sale. I can't do that to my mom.

Kid, you work it out any way you want, but nobody's backin' out of the deal.

Mr. Cinelli, I'm sorry, but the bottom line is, I'm not selling the company to you. There are other buyers out there. Tony was quite clear about that.

I'll tell you the fuckin' bottom line, laddy buck. The Barone routes are now Cinelli routes. That's that.

(Paulie smashes Jason's leg with a steel rod) Aw, fuck! Ahhh!!!! Oh. Oh. Oh.

Paulie Walnuts

Guess what, fuckin' mama's boy?! You're kickin' up four grand ta me every month. I don't care if you're in Deer Valley or Death Valley! Four grand, every goddamn month! And if you ever mention a word o' this ta Tony, I'll stick this up your ass... (Paulie takes out his gun) ...and pull the trigger till the bullets come out your eyes. (Paulie kicks Jason)

Ah. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.....

The defendant's request for temporary release from federal custody to attend his daughter's wedding is ludicrous. Mr. Sacrimoni is a known member of organized crime at the helm of a vast criminal conspiracy.

I notice you're wearing a wedding ring, Miss Vaughn. Was your father at your wedding?

My father wasn't awaiting trial on forty seven RICO predicates including murder.

Tony Soprano

Well, here I am. Back.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

Yup.

Tony Soprano

So, let me ask you right off, is there any chance of a mercy fuck?

Tony Soprano

Gloom is your business and business is good.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

You were shot Anthony, by a member of your family.

Tony Soprano

I know.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

And unless I know absolutely nothing about what I'm doing, I think you and I'll have a lot to talk about. Are you familiar with the term, "post-traumatic stress"?

Tony Soprano

I get it, okay? My uncle tried ta kill me...for the second time. Three strikes and I'm out right?

Christopher Moltisanti

Allegra... ain't that a cold medicine?

Paulie Walnuts

Means happiness in Italian.

Christopher Moltisanti

The fuck's that got to do with cold medicine?

Phil Leotardo

I'll tell ya one thing and I'm not ashamed ta say it. My estimation of John Sacrimoni as a man just fuckin' plummeted.

Tony Soprano

Give 'im a break, will ya? It's an emotional day...

Phil Leotardo

Ta cry like a woman? It's a fuckin' disgrace.

Paulie Walnuts

His fuckin' coach turned into a pumpkin. Heh heh.

Phil Leotardo

Well, even Cinderella didn't cry...

Tony Soprano

Look, when it comes to daughters, all bets are off. I've seen tougher guys than John cry at weddings.

Phil Leotardo

Yeah, well let me ask you this. If they can make him cry and if he's that weak, what the fuck else can they make 'im do?

Christopher Moltisanti

I gotta agree with Phil, Ton'.

Tony Soprano

Oh, you do, do ya?

Christopher Moltisanti

Where'd ya get that?

Come on.

Christopher Moltisanti

Somebody started a joke. I won't mention any names. There's no truth to it.

Oh.

Christopher Moltisanti

It's a fuckin' captain you're talkin' about. People went to see 'im, he was down the shore with his goomar.

So it's bullshit then.

Christopher Moltisanti

As soon as he saw 'em, he took off like a bat outta hell.

Fuck. (They laugh)

Christopher Moltisanti

You didn't hear it from me.

It could be a mid-life thing.

Christopher Moltisanti

Suckin' a cock?