The Ren & Stimpy Show quotes

[returns home from work on a rainy day. He is shocked when he see's the house is a mess. He angrily growls] I knew it! Cat dirt everywhere! [starts to get more angry, but suddenly calms down] Well, at least I'm home. I can continue my intellectual pursuits! [He walks away, but then stops and is appalled at the sight of his opera records stuck to the wall] My opera records COVERED IN BUBBLE GUM!!! AAAAAAH!!! [sniffles a little, then turns around and notices several germs exiting open jars and squirming down the drain] MY COLLECTION OF RARE, INCURABLE DISEASES VIOLATED!!! NOOOOO!!! [Sees his dinosaur droppings colored like Easter eggs] My dinosaur droppings painted like EASTER EGGS! [Stimpy and Svën cease playing when they hear Ren's outburst] AAAAAH!!! You IDIOTS! [Ren angrily stomps toward Stimpy and Svën, who back away several times until they hit a wall] YOU... BOTH OF YOU! [He starts shaking angrily, but then transitions to a kind of sadistic calmness] Oh, what I'm gonna do to you. [He starts shaking his fists, thinking of ways to hurt Stimpy and Svën, who are cowering together; slowly] I'm so angry! First, I'm gonna tear your lips out. Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do. And then, I'm gonna gouge your eyes out! Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do.

We don't like this, Ren!

Ja, you're scaring us!

Good. You're scared, huh? Next, I'm gonna TEAR your arms out of the sockets! [mimes ripping their arms out and the dislocated arm dangling. Stimpy and Svën whimper while rubbing their arms] And you wanna know what else? I'm gonna hit ya, and you're gonna fall... and I'm gonna look down... and I'm gonna laugh. [Stimpy and Sven both cry] But first... [Stimpy and Svën gasp] FIRST... [suddenly calm] I gotta take a whiz! Don't you go anywhere. [Points to the ground they're standing on] You stay right here... Right on this spot... I'll be back! [Ren stomps away, and over the Don't Whiz on the Electric Fence game before turning around and noticing it] What's this stupid thing?!

[cheerfully] It's a game, Ren!

Ja, it's really fun!

[takes a look at the game, then turns to Stimpy and Svën, then smiles evilly, coming up with an idea] Oh, you like this game?

Oh yeah, Ren!

We love it!

Oh, you like the game, huh? Do you really like it?

It's our favorite game in the whole world!

Oh, you like the game, huh? Then how do you like this?! [produces a fly on his crotch and unzips it. Stimpy and Svën only look in horror as Ren whizzes all over the game. Ren looks at Stimpy and Svën giggling maniacally. Then the whole house explodes, sending the trio to Hell. The Devil appears]

So, you whizzed on the electric fence, did ya?

Don't Whiz on the Electric Fence!

You can be the President! Of my fan club!

President? Wow. President...

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T AGREE WITH ME? DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE DEALING WITH?! [presses on a button that destroys part of the globe and laughs maniacally]

Dear Stimpy, I have a... secret. I know I can tell you, because you are nice, and would not tell anybody. I'm afraid to tell my friends, because they'll laugh.

Aw.

I know you would never laugh at me.

Mmm mmm.

So... here's my secret. Every night... I wet the bed.

I can't help it! Please tell me what to do. Your friend, Johnny.

Dear Johnny... You make me SICK! You probably wet the bed on purpose! I have written letters to everybody at your school warning them never to sleep over with you. Your friend...

[shocked] REN!

I... I was nice today. Nice to all those insipid little monkeys. Answering their stupid letters. [looks at his hands] My hands... DIRTY! [tries wiping his hands] The dirt won't come off! [screams] President... What a joke. President... President of WHAT?! [looks over to Stimpy sleeping] His fan club. How they love him. Look at him. Lying there asleep. [stands over Stimpy] The idol of millions. He's a fool. Blind, silly little fool... How easily I could end the farce. [holds up his hands] With these hands. These DIRTY hands... And with these hands, I hold the fate of millions... They think he's a god. But he's as mortal as we. I know. [visions a dotted line across Stimpy's neck] Just one quick... twist! ...and it's over. Just... one... [prepares to snap Stimpy's neck] Just... [a stinging pain strikes from inside his head; screams] It's happening AGAIN! My BRAIN! My hot... STINGING... BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIN!!! [screams]

Mailman. Got some mail here! [Ren is revealed to be in a Robotic Stimpy] Ah, hello Mr. Cat. You're looking healthy this morning.

Shut up. duh, I don't want anymore of your filthy letters! Your services are not welcomed here, and, duh, tell those pesky kids to stop writing me, Stimpson J. Cat, duh.

Um, Whatever you say. Actually, I only have one letter today and it's for Mr. Höek. I guess I'll just throw this one out.

GIVE ME THAT! [laughs evilly] Letter for me, letter for me! Nothing for Stimpy! No, no, no, Mr. Ren Höek! [laughs evilly] It says!

[wakes up] Aah, Good Morning Ren.

[screams] You, you and your fan mail! Mr. Fan Club! [He jumps out of robot] Everybody loves you, don't they?! Well guess what the Mailman bought you today...NOTHING! This letter's for me! See?! You they have forgotten?! Now it's me they love! It is I that is the most loved. I, who shall rule! OH YES! THIS IS THE PROOF! THIS IS THE PROOF THAT YOU...ARE...FINISHED! Listen! This one says: Dear Ren, it's me, it's me! You are my favorite TV star! Nobody, nobody but you is funny or smart as you. SEE? ARE YOU GETTING THIS?! I AM THE BEST! [echoing] I AM KING! Listen to this! You may learn something. I wish I could be just like you! How about THAT?! A man with some ambition. You are my favorite person in whole wide WORLD! HA! Love... it says love... Your pal... [surprised] Stimpy? Stimpy. I'm so ashamed.

I meant every word. [Ren begins to cry] There, there Ren. There, there!

Look at me. Big, mean Ren...crying like a baby. Pretty pathetic, huh?

Oh, pasha! No one will never know. You just cry your little eyes out.

[to Ren and Stimpy] Let's get something straight here. I don't like you. I don't like cartoons. You're here for one reason. My son, Anthony, likes you, and as long as you're good to my boy, you can stay. But if you do anything... to destroy his beliefs, or harm him... in any way... [gets choked up] so help me... [crying] Excuse me. Don't you even put that picture in my head. Do we understand each other?

[in unison] We understand, very well.

[devastated] No... No...!

[desperate] Snap out of it, I tell you!

[approaches Ren] Get off. Get off my son.

[crying] Oh... Oh, Anthony... My beloved child.

I know I've strayed from Your path. And, maybe I don't go to church often enough. But, You know I'm a good man. I don't ask for much. But I'm asking... for this one thing. Please... don't take my boy from me. Give him a couple more good weeks.

[crying] We didn't do it, man!

[angrily] Alright, you two. You march into the house. Meet me in the DEN.

Oh... You guys are big shots. [chuckles] Big shots from Hollywood. Is that what makes you feel big? Huh?! Pushing little boys around? Ya feel like big men, playing with little boys' feelings, huh?! You Hollywood types make me SICK! You think because you come from HOLLYWOOD, you can push decent people around. People who work for a living! I work my fingers to the bone, to feed my wife, and... [chokes up] my boy, Anthony. [crying] Oh, Anthony, you've got to pull through! [becomes angry again] I bet you wussies never worked a stinkin' day, in your stinkin' little lives! Show me your hands!

Just as I thought. Soft as a baby's head. Well, look at these hands! [shows Ren and Stimpy his hands, which have rocks growing out of them] These are the hands of a working man! What'd you ever do for society anyway, just what do you do to earn your keep?

Eh... Well, we make people laugh.

Real hard work, making people laugh. Did you go to school to make people laugh? Listen. I make people laugh, too. But nobody gives ME money! You wanna hear a joke?

Well, I...

I'll tell ya a joke. And you're gonna laugh! Alright. Here's the joke. Ya ready? Why did they bury the fireman... behind the hill? Come on, funny guys, huh? Huh, huh? Why?

[trembling with fear; in unison] We don't know why they buried the fireman behind the hill...

I'll tell ya why. Because he was DEAD!

[laughs] That's pretty good, huh, Ren? Maybe we could use that.

Alright, funny guys. I wanna know something. [increasing with anger] I just wanna know one thing... JUST ONE THING FROM YOU... [suddenly casual] So what makes you guys move, anyway?

[Singing the Royal Anthem of the Kilted Yaksmen to the theme of "God Save the Queen"]

SHUT UP! I can't STAND IT ANYMORE! All the time, singing! SINGING! Why won't he STOP?! Listen! You hear that? [starts laughing maniacally]

[after farting for the first time] Something came out of my butt!

That's nice Stimpy. Something came out of your butt.

No no Ren, I'm serious! And not only that, it made a sound.

Let's see if I got this straight. Something came out of your butt and it made a sound.

And it smelt funny!

What's on TV tonight?

I don't care.

Commander Hoek and Cadet Stimpy!

I don't care.

Hey look. It's time for Muddy Mudskipper!

I don't care.

Look what I got for you! A new catnip mouse!

[turning it away] Ah...

Mr. Catnip Mouse! [Tries to get Stimpy to play with the mouse, but Stimpy doesn't respond, then he has another idea] It's Mr. Litter Box! Come on! Take a stinky one! [scratches steps] Nice and stinky!

Stinky... [loud, violent crying]

[annoyed] So THAT's it! YOU'RE still crying about your imaginary BUTT stinkiness!

I'm not listening to this anymore! He's real. He's REAL! He's REAL!

Look, man! It's time to get over this fantasy of yours. Let the wound heal. Come on, man, I'll help you. Together, we'll get through this, okay, buddy?

I don't care.

[loses his patience at this point] FINE! Sit here and wallow! You FAT, You -you STUPID... WHO NEEDS YA?! [storms off]

Get down from there! That's not Santy Claus! It's a memorial!

A memorial? [gasps, then starts tearing up] I didn't know Santa Claus was... DEAD...! [starts crying hysterically]

[pulling Stimpy down from the memorial] You are so stupid.

[sniffling] Am I?

[slapping Stimpy] Idiot! Don't you recognize President Willard P. Fillmore when you see him?! Now get back to work!

Must not get angry... Must not get angry... Huh? [reacts in horror] MY USED CELEBRITY UNDERWEAR! GONE! Where?! Who?! [gasps] Oh, no. OH, NO! [rushes to the laundry room. He sobs] He didn't! He didn't! Stimpy washed my collection... of used celebrity underwear...! I can't even tell the difference... in between Van Johnson's socks... and June Allison's underwear. WHY?! [continues sobbing as Stimpy enters]

Eh... What's wrong, Ren?

[angry] You! Why, I oughta- [stops, and looks around, scared] Stimpy, what's wrong with you?! Why must you make me so angry?! You know I get hurt when you make me angry! Do you want to get me killed?! [comes to a realization] Unless... Of course...! [starts going insane] That's the plan, isn't it? You set me up, and he knocks me down. Is that it? Huh? Well, it won't work. 'Cuz I'm not gonna get mad. I'm not getting mad... No, sir. Not me. [laughs madly] I'm happy! Happy, happy, joy, joy! Happy, happy, joy, joy! I'm happy, happy, happy! Not mad, mad, mad! [cackles] Mr. Happy Boy, right?! HEY, WORLD! AM I HAPPY ENOUGH?!

Stimpy, how about some breakfast? I can really go for some of your famous Stimlard. Stimpy? [gasps] STIMPY! [Stimpy was in bellybutton. He becomes sad] OH, STIMPY! [sobs] I warned you. [sob and sniffs] WHY?! WHY DIDN'T YOU LISTEN?! [sobs and sniffs] WHY?! [Ren chews bellybutton and starts sobbing. He pulls it out] My dearest friend, you reduce to a fleshy love! [Ren cries. He hears a sound in the bellybutton. Stimpy uses a lawnmower. Jerry was so relaxed]

Oh, Stimpy, be a good boy. And after you finished mowing the lint, could you wash the lint, and iron the lint, and maybe pick lint from the lint, and, oh, don't forget to walk the lint. [Mr. Horse hears that sound in the bellybutton] DINNER! DINNER! HURRY UP, BOY! I WANT MY DINNER! [Stimpy pants]

Shh! The walls have teeth. Us Italians have to stick together, ya know! Now what is it ya have for me? [removes his glasses, taking his eyeballs and nose with them]

My... my film?

The film! The film, of course, the film! Have I ever told you how we made that film? We spent hundreds of millions of hours and dollars on that film, and, and it was a lot of cra... a bunch of cra... a whole bunch of cra... a lot of...

Uh... crap?

NO!

Oh.

Walter Lantz! No account son of a bus driver. Now get this... [He gets up as his arms rip off] If you want to be a genius, it's easy. All you gotta say is "Everything stinks". Then you're never wrong. That's how much of a genius I am! That's how I got to where I am today! Then we got smart! We are not, will not, be the janitor of these starry eyed amateurs... [coughs his teeth out into Ren's mouth] World War I... There I was, up to my elbows in Nazis. Now don't get me wrong, I'll eat just about anything just so long as it's easy to swallow. Now to make a moving picture, ya gotta have two things: Pushers and Shovers. Oh we made mistakes, but I don't regret it, No sir. [Wilbur's ear lands on Stimpy's belly] Fortunately, everybody can't be a chief. The chief is not only the right hand man, but also the left hand man. He is the short man, he is the tall man! From one man to another, he is NO MAN WHATSOEVER! Ya got that, shorty? Now get this: They either got it, or they don't got it. But gosh darn it, I can hold my water. Until the masses cry "CHEAT THE PLATE!" And I say it unto them "LET THE DOVES FREE!" Any questions?