Ren quotes from The Ren & Stimpy Show

Hey Guido. It's all so clear to me now. I'm the keeper of the cheese, and you're the lemon merchant. You get it? And he knows it! That's why he's gonna kill us! So we gotta beat it. Yeah. Before he lets loose the marmosets on us! Don't worry little missy, I'll save you!

I... I was nice today. Nice to all those insipid little monkeys. Answering their stupid letters. [looks at his hands] My hands... DIRTY! [tries wiping his hands] The dirt won't come off! [screams] President... What a joke. President... President of WHAT?! [looks over to Stimpy sleeping] His fan club. How they love him. Look at him. Lying there asleep. [stands over Stimpy] The idol of millions. He's a fool. Blind, silly little fool... How easily I could end the farce. [holds up his hands] With these hands. These DIRTY hands... And with these hands, I hold the fate of millions... They think he's a god. But he's as mortal as we. I know. [visions a dotted line across Stimpy's neck] Just one quick... twist! ...and it's over. Just... one... [prepares to snap Stimpy's neck] Just... [a stinging pain strikes from inside his head; screams] It's happening AGAIN! My BRAIN! My hot... STINGING... BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIN!!! [screams]

I, Ren Höek, learned nature can be cruel. But I can be crueler! [laughs maniacally] Kill the tree! Kill the tree! Kill, kill! [laughs maniacally again] I love being a lumberjack.

Hey! Where the heck's my-?! [sees that Stimpy has been kissing his chicken] My chicken! [growls] MY CHICKEN AND MY BEST FRIEND! Skulkers in the DARK! Did you think I wouldn't notice!? The stuffing on your collar at night?! The drippings on the carpet?! The gravy on the couch?! I want my chicken dinner, AND I WANT IT NOW!

[wakes up] Uh-oh. [sniffs] That smells like- Bacon! [runs to the fridge] Egg Yölkeo! Oh... No-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho...

Excuse me. I have to go end it all.

[trembles with fear during the taping of an episode] Who left this wildebeest carcass on my good sofa...? [gulps] This really makes me mad... Baboon...? [Baboon runs up to him] You've really made me angry this time... [Baboon growls] I'm gonna have to hit ya... You... stupid... [covers his eyes and smacks Baboon's nose. Baboon roars and starts mauling him]

YOU! You're the culprit! Just look at this place! Hairy furniture... Hairy FOOD... Your smelly old hair is EVERYWHERE! It was you all along.

YOU....!

Look at you, man! You're a full-grown cat still watching cartoons! Why, you're three years old! Do you know what that is in human years? [Stimpy bows his head in shame. Ren looks guilty, then raises Stimpy's face up] Oh, listen to me, man. I'm your friend. [He pulls the top of Stimpy's head off, exposing Stimpy's tiny brain on a silver pedestal] Don't you know cartoons will ruin your mind? [He picks up Stimpy's brain] Look what it's done to your brain!

[Squealing, he looks at Ren and puts a finger to his lips] Shh!

My, you're looking chipper this morning! [He sets the tray down on Ren's lap] Look, I brought you your breakfast in bed!

[touched] I don't deserve you. [He picks up the coffee cup] Mmm, my coffee.

[taking the cup] Ah ah ah! [He takes the thermometer out of Ren's mouth and uses it to stir the coffee before handing the cup back to him] I brought you your paper too! I know how you like to read your paper at breakfast. [He holds up the newspaper and gives it to Ren]

God bless you, Stimpy. I'm sorry I'm all the time mean to you. [takes a sip of his coffee. Upon seeing what's on the newspaper, he screams in horror] "Ren Höek takes bubbly sponge bath"? [faints]

Oh, no! A total relapse!

[holding soap] Oh no! I know what you want! You coveteth my ice cream bar!

Come on now.

No you don't! You can't take it from me now! I have had this ice cream bar since I was a child! People... always trying to take it from me! WHY WON'T THEY LEAVE ME ALONE?!

Easy now.

[grabs a toothbrush] BACK OFF, MAN! DON'T MAKE ME USE THIS! ONE STEP CLOSER, I'M WARNING YA! DON'T MAKE ME USE IT! Now you've done it! YOU FORCED ME TO USE IT! [brushes his teeth]

Why, it's amazing! How do they work?

They're full of glue. [glue oozes out of the top of the socks; Ren starts to lose it] I'm so glad you like them, Ren! Wait here. I'll get the Stay-Put hat and raincoat.

You filthy swine! I will kill you!

[singing] Hello boys and girls,

Ren, you're angry?

[enraged] YOU'RE DARN TOOTING I'M ANGRY! I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS ANGRY IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! [suddenly happy] Hey! I feel great! I love being angry! Thank you, Stimpy.

[confused] Happy to be of service?

You know Stimpy, with your invention and my savvy, we'll corner the rubber nipple market. We'll be millionaires! We'll rule the world!

Tsk Ren. I am not in this for financial gain. I have a dream. I believe one day that everyone everywhere... [cries as touching music plays] will know the wonders of my nipples!

[slams an iron onto Stimpy's face] Fine! You keep your dream and I'll keep the money! [pulls the iron out] Now shut up and drive!