The Ren & Stimpy Show Season 2 quotes

We're trying to eat here! And you stand here, airing out your stinky old gum holes! What are you trying to do, make us puke?

You know Stimpy, with your invention and my savvy, we'll corner the rubber nipple market. We'll be millionaires! We'll rule the world!

Tsk Ren. I am not in this for financial gain. I have a dream. I believe one day that everyone everywhere... [cries as touching music plays] will know the wonders of my nipples!

[slams an iron onto Stimpy's face] Fine! You keep your dream and I'll keep the money! [pulls the iron out] Now shut up and drive!

Hey Guido. It's all so clear to me now. I'm the keeper of the cheese, and you're the lemon merchant. You get it? And he knows it! That's why he's gonna kill us! So we gotta beat it. Yeah. Before he lets loose the marmosets on us! Don't worry little missy, I'll save you!

What's the big sleep, Ren?

He's... [suddenly shouting] DEAD! DEAD, YOU IDIOT! YOU KNOW WHAT DEAD IS?! JUST LIKE WE'LL BE IF WE DON'T GET OUT OF HERE!

Next!

HERE! Take a look at this!

[looks at Ren's eyes] Hmm... [the close-up of Ren's eyes is shown] Asthma Chihuahua, huh? Look at that. [Mr. Horse looks at Ren's ears, full of bugs] Well, this is representative of this sickness brain. Alright, he's in. [Mr. Horse puts Ren to the Final Contestants]

Stimpy.

Hmm... [Mr. Horse looks at Stimpy's mouth] Never seen this breed before. [Mr. Horse looks at Stimpy's butt] Hmm... [Mr. Horse covers Stimpy] No sir, this butt's too smooth. Never heard of that. [Bulldog tries to open his mouth]

TAKE A CLOSER LOOK, YOU MORON! DON'T YOU KNOW A CORNISH REX HOUND WHEN YOU SEE ONE?!

Maybe I won't!

Hey Ren, he reminds me of your uncle Eddie.

Why's that?

'Cause he's big and stinky!

[slaps him] Hey! You shouldn't say mean things like that. Did you ever consider that this horse might have feelings? Now let's steal that horse!

Alright boys, this is it. A real dog's gotta learn how to protect its master. Now in order to protect, you must learn how to ATTACK! Come on, boys! ATTACK! Let's go, Rex! ATTACK ME!

But you are my kind and beloved master! [sobs] I CA-A-A-A-AN'T!

BUT I CAN! [Sarcastically] DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY!

NO!

[slow motion] Whoa.

[Sarcastically] IT'S THE DISCIPLINE THAT BEGETS LOVE! [Ren slaps his oar at George Liquor twice]

NO! [tear his ears off and grabs onto the oar, trying to prevent Ren from delivering another swing] YOU MUSTN'T, he's our master!

Eh, SHUT UP! You're next, Mr. Doggie Treat! HI-YA! [Ren then sadistically beats George with the oar while he is on the ground]

I'm looking for you now. I'm finding you.

I'm hiding in the closet like an idiot.

[returns home from work on a rainy day. He is shocked when he see's the house is a mess. He angrily growls] I knew it! Cat dirt everywhere! [starts to get more angry, but suddenly calms down] Well, at least I'm home. I can continue my intellectual pursuits! [He walks away, but then stops and is appalled at the sight of his opera records stuck to the wall] My opera records COVERED IN BUBBLE GUM!!! AAAAAAH!!! [sniffles a little, then turns around and notices several germs exiting open jars and squirming down the drain] MY COLLECTION OF RARE, INCURABLE DISEASES VIOLATED!!! NOOOOO!!! [Sees his dinosaur droppings colored like Easter eggs] My dinosaur droppings painted like EASTER EGGS! [Stimpy and Svën cease playing when they hear Ren's outburst] AAAAAH!!! You IDIOTS! [Ren angrily stomps toward Stimpy and Svën, who back away several times until they hit a wall] YOU... BOTH OF YOU! [He starts shaking angrily, but then transitions to a kind of sadistic calmness] Oh, what I'm gonna do to you. [He starts shaking his fists, thinking of ways to hurt Stimpy and Svën, who are cowering together; slowly] I'm so angry! First, I'm gonna tear your lips out. Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do. And then, I'm gonna gouge your eyes out! Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do.

We don't like this, Ren!

Ja, you're scaring us!

Good. You're scared, huh? Next, I'm gonna TEAR your arms out of the sockets! [mimes ripping their arms out and the dislocated arm dangling. Stimpy and Svën whimper while rubbing their arms] And you wanna know what else? I'm gonna hit ya, and you're gonna fall... and I'm gonna look down... and I'm gonna laugh. [Stimpy and Sven both cry] But first... [Stimpy and Svën gasp] FIRST... [suddenly calm] I gotta take a whiz! Don't you go anywhere. [Points to the ground they're standing on] You stay right here... Right on this spot... I'll be back! [Ren stomps away, and over the Don't Whiz on the Electric Fence game before turning around and noticing it] What's this stupid thing?!

[cheerfully] It's a game, Ren!

Ja, it's really fun!

[takes a look at the game, then turns to Stimpy and Svën, then smiles evilly, coming up with an idea] Oh, you like this game?

Oh yeah, Ren!

We love it!

Oh, you like the game, huh? Do you really like it?

It's our favorite game in the whole world!

Oh, you like the game, huh? Then how do you like this?! [produces a fly on his crotch and unzips it. Stimpy and Svën only look in horror as Ren whizzes all over the game. Ren looks at Stimpy and Svën giggling maniacally. Then the whole house explodes, sending the trio to Hell. The Devil appears]

So, you whizzed on the electric fence, did ya?

Don't Whiz on the Electric Fence!

You can be the President! Of my fan club!

President? Wow. President...

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T AGREE WITH ME? DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE DEALING WITH?! [presses on a button that destroys part of the globe and laughs maniacally]

Dear Stimpy, I have a... secret. I know I can tell you, because you are nice, and would not tell anybody. I'm afraid to tell my friends, because they'll laugh.

Aw.

I know you would never laugh at me.

Mmm mmm.

So... here's my secret. Every night... I wet the bed.

I can't help it! Please tell me what to do. Your friend, Johnny.

Dear Johnny... You make me SICK! You probably wet the bed on purpose! I have written letters to everybody at your school warning them never to sleep over with you. Your friend...

[shocked] REN!

I... I was nice today. Nice to all those insipid little monkeys. Answering their stupid letters. [looks at his hands] My hands... DIRTY! [tries wiping his hands] The dirt won't come off! [screams] President... What a joke. President... President of WHAT?! [looks over to Stimpy sleeping] His fan club. How they love him. Look at him. Lying there asleep. [stands over Stimpy] The idol of millions. He's a fool. Blind, silly little fool... How easily I could end the farce. [holds up his hands] With these hands. These DIRTY hands... And with these hands, I hold the fate of millions... They think he's a god. But he's as mortal as we. I know. [visions a dotted line across Stimpy's neck] Just one quick... twist! ...and it's over. Just... one... [prepares to snap Stimpy's neck] Just... [a stinging pain strikes from inside his head; screams] It's happening AGAIN! My BRAIN! My hot... STINGING... BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIN!!! [screams]

Mailman. Got some mail here! [Ren is revealed to be in a Robotic Stimpy] Ah, hello Mr. Cat. You're looking healthy this morning.

Shut up. duh, I don't want anymore of your filthy letters! Your services are not welcomed here, and, duh, tell those pesky kids to stop writing me, Stimpson J. Cat, duh.

Um, Whatever you say. Actually, I only have one letter today and it's for Mr. Höek. I guess I'll just throw this one out.

GIVE ME THAT! [laughs evilly] Letter for me, letter for me! Nothing for Stimpy! No, no, no, Mr. Ren Höek! [laughs evilly] It says!

[wakes up] Aah, Good Morning Ren.

[screams] You, you and your fan mail! Mr. Fan Club! [He jumps out of robot] Everybody loves you, don't they?! Well guess what the Mailman bought you today...NOTHING! This letter's for me! See?! You they have forgotten?! Now it's me they love! It is I that is the most loved. I, who shall rule! OH YES! THIS IS THE PROOF! THIS IS THE PROOF THAT YOU...ARE...FINISHED! Listen! This one says: Dear Ren, it's me, it's me! You are my favorite TV star! Nobody, nobody but you is funny or smart as you. SEE? ARE YOU GETTING THIS?! I AM THE BEST! [echoing] I AM KING! Listen to this! You may learn something. I wish I could be just like you! How about THAT?! A man with some ambition. You are my favorite person in whole wide WORLD! HA! Love... it says love... Your pal... [surprised] Stimpy? Stimpy. I'm so ashamed.

I meant every word. [Ren begins to cry] There, there Ren. There, there!

Look at me. Big, mean Ren...crying like a baby. Pretty pathetic, huh?

Oh, pasha! No one will never know. You just cry your little eyes out.

[to Ren and Stimpy] Let's get something straight here. I don't like you. I don't like cartoons. You're here for one reason. My son, Anthony, likes you, and as long as you're good to my boy, you can stay. But if you do anything... to destroy his beliefs, or harm him... in any way... [gets choked up] so help me... [crying] Excuse me. Don't you even put that picture in my head. Do we understand each other?

[in unison] We understand, very well.

[devastated] No... No...!

[desperate] Snap out of it, I tell you!

[approaches Ren] Get off. Get off my son.

[crying] Oh... Oh, Anthony... My beloved child.

I know I've strayed from Your path. And, maybe I don't go to church often enough. But, You know I'm a good man. I don't ask for much. But I'm asking... for this one thing. Please... don't take my boy from me. Give him a couple more good weeks.

[crying] We didn't do it, man!

[angrily] Alright, you two. You march into the house. Meet me in the DEN.