“A Visit to Anthony” quotes from The Ren & Stimpy Show

[to Ren and Stimpy] Let's get something straight here. I don't like you. I don't like cartoons. You're here for one reason. My son, Anthony, likes you, and as long as you're good to my boy, you can stay. But if you do anything... to destroy his beliefs, or harm him... in any way... [gets choked up] so help me... [crying] Excuse me. Don't you even put that picture in my head. Do we understand each other?

[in unison] We understand, very well.

[devastated] No... No...!

[desperate] Snap out of it, I tell you!

[approaches Ren] Get off. Get off my son.

[crying] Oh... Oh, Anthony... My beloved child.

I know I've strayed from Your path. And, maybe I don't go to church often enough. But, You know I'm a good man. I don't ask for much. But I'm asking... for this one thing. Please... don't take my boy from me. Give him a couple more good weeks.

[crying] We didn't do it, man!

[angrily] Alright, you two. You march into the house. Meet me in the DEN.

Oh... You guys are big shots. [chuckles] Big shots from Hollywood. Is that what makes you feel big? Huh?! Pushing little boys around? Ya feel like big men, playing with little boys' feelings, huh?! You Hollywood types make me SICK! You think because you come from HOLLYWOOD, you can push decent people around. People who work for a living! I work my fingers to the bone, to feed my wife, and... [chokes up] my boy, Anthony. [crying] Oh, Anthony, you've got to pull through! [becomes angry again] I bet you wussies never worked a stinkin' day, in your stinkin' little lives! Show me your hands!

Just as I thought. Soft as a baby's head. Well, look at these hands! [shows Ren and Stimpy his hands, which have rocks growing out of them] These are the hands of a working man! What'd you ever do for society anyway, just what do you do to earn your keep?

Eh... Well, we make people laugh.

Real hard work, making people laugh. Did you go to school to make people laugh? Listen. I make people laugh, too. But nobody gives ME money! You wanna hear a joke?

Well, I...

I'll tell ya a joke. And you're gonna laugh! Alright. Here's the joke. Ya ready? Why did they bury the fireman... behind the hill? Come on, funny guys, huh? Huh, huh? Why?

[trembling with fear; in unison] We don't know why they buried the fireman behind the hill...

I'll tell ya why. Because he was DEAD!

[laughs] That's pretty good, huh, Ren? Maybe we could use that.

Alright, funny guys. I wanna know something. [increasing with anger] I just wanna know one thing... JUST ONE THING FROM YOU... [suddenly casual] So what makes you guys move, anyway?