Bert Raccoon quotes from The Raccoons

This looks like a pretty tough course Bert.

Bert

Don't worry Cedric! Look! I brought you my lucky sweater!

Gee, thanks Bert. Er, how do you tell the difference?

Bert

They're all lucky! And now we’ll look like a team!

Yeah, the B team.

Bert

Okay Broo, we've got one super dooper spook sensitive tape recorder!

Two garlands of garlic to stave off evil spirits!

Bert

An XL 3-33 special phantom camera filter!

Four wooden stakes to drive through the hearts of vampires!

Bert

A five pound bag of flour for the old 'throw the flour on the ectoplasm' routine!

And a slick vacuum to suck up ghostly apparitions - it says so in the guarantee!

Bert

I tell you Broo - we have the will, we have he technology, and soon we'll have the phantom!

Bert

Bert Raccoon, ace reporter and super sleuth is on the case! Now, what do we know?

Nothing.

Bert

Nothing... excellent! We can start with a clean slate!

Bert

(Crestfallen) Heh. A buck fifty. I raised a buck fifty.

And it was very nice of you to lend her the money Bert!

Bert

A buck fifty! I paid more for my pet lizard!

Bert

Wow! That was some fun, huh Cedric?

Yeah, that wasn't so bad. But there's a big difference between ten feet and... ten thousand feet!

Bert

Ah, only a couple of zeros!

Bert

Boy, this is one birthday present you'll never forget, huh Cedric?

Yeah... if I live to remember.

Bert

Wow! Ralph, it's here! It finally came!

Er, what's finally here Bert?

Bert

Oh I ordered this months ago, I thought it was never going to come! A Silver Silhouette remote bomber! And with this remote control, I can make it do loops, dives, barrel rolls! Why, it can do practically anything!

Can it make a pizza crust?

Looks like the bomber had a change in orders Bert!

Bert

Ralph... I've been ripped off!

Good news Bert! I got the name of the president of the company who sells the remote bomber!

Melissa

And from everything we could find out about this guy, he's a real weasel!

His name is Milton Midas.

Bert

Milton Midas?

I know. Isn't television great?

Bert

I'll be on my way as soon as I get my refund like it says in your ad - "Money cheerfully refunded if not completely satisfied".

I said that?

Bert

That's right!

Bert

I could introduce a new recipe. Dare-deviled eggs! (Laughs)

That sounds about right, coming from a canned ham!

Bert

You're not saying much, Lisa! Uh, how was your day?

Lousy, as if you care.

Melissa

What's wrong, Lisa?

Everything! Everything's wrong! I've got no friends anymore, I miss my school, I HATE THIS HOUSE!

George

That's enough, young lady! We've all got a lot of adjusting to do!

Oh, sure! Everyone else is happy! Nobody cares what I think! None of this would have happened if you hadn't lost your job!

Nicole

LISA!

(runs away sobbing) It's all your fault! And I hope you don't get that stupid job at the station! (slams the door and continues sobbing)

Hi Pop! What's up?

Larceny! Grand theft pooch napping! That's what's up! I want this plastered all over the front page of your alleged newspaper.

Bert

"Wanted, three pigs for the theft of one blue-point ridgeback retriever. Answers to the name of Snag. Generous reward for any information"?

Bert

So uh, how you feeling Bentley?

How do you think? I just got fired from my very first job!

Bert

Aww cheer up little buddy! You'll be fired from other jobs! (chuckles)

You're not helping Bert...

Bert

I did a sloppy job on the fireworks. I should have worked harder on everything!

Melissa

You just worked too hard on too many things Bert.

Bert

Yeah, and I let all my friends down.

Bert, we are your friends, and that's what makes it alright to say no to us.

Melissa

We don't expect you to be a superman.

We understand.

Bert

Gee, thanks guys.