Bert Raccoon quotes from The Raccoons

Oh Bert! Am I glad to see you! I thought you were Bonneville!

Bert

Nah! I'm much better looking.

Bert

Cyril! Cyril! Open up! Let me in!

Huh? I'll let you in for a lifetime of trouble if you don't get out of here pronto! It's the middle of the night!

Bert

Cedric and Bonneville are in trouble!

Don't go away!

Bert

WOW!

Cedric! What's happening here?

Something that happens once in a blue moon Pop!

Knoxie and I had a terrible fight, in public no less! He demanded I resign from my job!

Bert

But why would he want you to resign?

That's exactly what I asked him! He said women have no place in the working world?

Melissa

How could he say such a thing in this day and age?

It's his upbringing Melissa. Old world, old values, old money. I told him to accept me as I am, or leave. He left, and tomorrow is... our anniversary! Oh Melissa, I'm so unhappy! (she sobs)

Bert

Don't cry Lady Baden-Baden.

Oh I'm not, it's the onions. Oh, but I do miss Knoxie so.

Melissa

I'm sure you and Mr Knox can work things out.

You manage a career and a marriage Melissa. How do you do it?

Melissa

Well, a little understanding, a little support and a little compromise... from both of us!

Compromise... not one of Knoxie's strong points.

(teasing Bert) Bert and Lisa sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

Bert

However, Bentley, you are not so very funny!

(looking through some comic books) Wow! You've got Fog Man #1! The Undesirables! The Caped Kid, and The Mole Lady!

Bert

(who is smartening his appearance) Hey Bentley, what do you think?

I think you look like one of the Undesirables!

Bert

Says you!

Hello? Anybody home? Hi, Bert. Hiya, Bentley.

Bert

Oh! Heh-heh! Uh, L-L-L-L-Lisa, w-w-what a surprise!

Bert, what happened to your hair?

It's the new windswept look.

Oh. I just wanna see your clubhouse, Bert. Bentley has told me so much about it. You don't mind, do you?

Bert

No, in fact I'm honored.

Bert

Ralph?

Yeah Bert?

Bert

Ever have a girlfriend?

Sure did pal.

Bert

What happened?

I married her.

Bert

Uh, Lisa, uh, did you ever see that old movie, "Love is a Very Splendid Thing"?

Why, sure.

Bert

Well, uh... you know that scene where Rip Tide and Virginia Creeper meet on the river boat?

And pledge their undying love? Ah, it's one of my favorites!

Bert

Good, good! Well... (clears throat) ...think of this cafe as the river boat.

(giggles) That sounds like fun! "Oh, Rip, your eyes are like the southern nights!" (giggles)

Bert

Look, I'm trying to be serious here, Lisa!

(giggles) Sorry, Bert, go on.

Bert

I'm just trying to tell you that... well, uh... we were... meant for each other.

Oh, Bert...

Bert

Yeah?

I am flattered. But we don't know each other... well enough. I... I mean... I like you, Bert. But as a... friend...

Bert

Oh. If that's the way you fill up on it!

Oh, Bert... don't be angry with me.

Bert

ANGRY?! Who's angry?! I'm not angry! Well... gee, uh... look at the time! You better hurry or you'll, uh, miss your train!

Bert...

Bert

(runs away from Lisa) Thank you ever so much for coming! It's been a slice!

I thought I'd lost you there Pop.

We Sneers don't disappear as easily as that. And we've got hundreds of years of history to prove it son!

I know that Pop... even if I'm not a real Sneer.

What are you talking about?

It's okay Pop, you don't have to keep it a secret anymore. I know I'm adopted.

Wha... where'd you get that crazy idea? No wait. You're not adopted son. I'm the one who's adopted.

Bert

Cyril Sneer... adopted?

Does that make our contract invalid?

Bert

Hey, there it is guys! The old place never looked better to me! What a sight!

What a dump.

Wow, this is it? My locker's bigger than this place! Where's the cafeteria? Where are the science labs? Where are the computer rooms? What can anybody possibly learn in this place? Whoops! (he accidentally knocks over a globe)

Perhaps we could learn some manners young man. And we don't charge in tracking in mud and disrupting my schoolhouse, even if it is being closed down... forever.

Closed?

Bert

Forever?

Bert

Gee, we're really going to miss you around here.

Are you sure you have to go?

I'm afraid so boys. I've given it a lot of thought and I know now I was just afraid of facing something new. So I'm off to City Collegit to learn more about the new fangled technology Bentley has been showing me. I'm going to be a teacher and a student. After all, someone has to run the new Evergreen Elementary and the Cyril Sneer Wing when it's built. Right?

All right!

Come on Miss Primrose! Let's get going! I want to look around our new school, 'cos we're going to be the new faces this year!

How’s your science project coming along, young fellow?

Bert

I can’t wait to show it to you, professor! It’s gonna be dynamite!

Oh dear! I don’t believe we can allow explosives in a museum.