Bert Raccoon quotes from The Raccoons

Bert

Only one person's gonna get that contract and that's me!

Says who, big shot?

Bert

Says me, hose nose!

Bert

Me without Cedric is like peanut butter without bananas, campfires without marshmallows...

(To Schaeffer) Bert without a messy room!

Schaeffer

We got a little help from that foghorn!

Bert

WHAT?! That was ME singing!

Gee, I thought it sounded familiar!

You'll be in demand all across the globe! In France... (Shows a projection of an amateurish cartoon of the band)

Nice picture Lloyd!

Thank you! ...In India, in Egypt...

...and in Cleveland!

Bert

Cleveland? Wow! This sounds terrific!

Bert

(about the cologne, dazed) Now that's success!

Cut! That's a take!

Raccoon, meet your leading lady!

Bert

(belatedly) Oh boy... this is more dangerous than greased roller skates! Yeeuck!

That cologne could ruin a skunk's self confidence!

Bert

Wha... what do you mean? This stuff is great!

Bert, that "stuff" could end the cockroach problem!

Bert

Hey! Where am I?

Schaeffer

That looks like you there Bert, behind that bottle

Bert

Boy, all of that work, and my best stuff doesn't even appear in the commercial! Huh! What a waste of my incredible acting ability!

No wonder my 'Sweet Smell of Success' isn't selling. My cologne's fine. But that raccoon's acting stinks!

Broo! Go fetch and Melissa and Ralph! Bring some ropes!

Bert

Ropes nothing! Bring the whole fire department, and hurry up!

Melissa

Ralph! I think we've got everything we need for our canoe trip!

Bert

Yeah, Ralphie, uh... as an experienced explorer, I can tell you, uh... you gotta travel light.

Oh, yeah, that reminds me. Here, Bert. Pack these. They'll come in handy.

Melissa

Oh, no.

Bert

(chuckles) Hey, listen to this! 100 Different Moose Calls... Travel by the Stars... Official History of the Can Opener! (chuckles)

Boy, am I looking forward to this trip to the great outdoors! I just love roughing it!

Bert

Yeah! And you won't even have cable!

Melissa

Are you certain you'll be fine on your own, Bert?

Bert

Ah, don't worry about me, Melissa. Cedric and I are gonna hike, swim, fish, bike, and uh, play some ball, eh, then after lunch, eh, we'll catch a couple of movies, and uh, eh, climb Freens Peak. You know, relax and stuff.

Bert

Oh, that must be Cedric!

Hi, Melissa! Ralph?

Oh! Uh... hi, Aunt Gertie!

It's so good to see you!

Uh, Aunt Gertie, we were just expecting you! She's not supposed to arrive here till the 18th!

Bert

Huh? Uh... today is the 18th, Ralph.

Oh, no!

And this must be Bert. I've heard so much about you.

Bert

Oh yeah. Pleased to meet you. (to Aunt Gertie) Can I get you a wheelchair? I mean, a chair?

It's okay, my legs still work, dear.

Bert

So what do you think of the view of the Evergreen River?

What river?

Bert

Well you can't miss it, it's right over... What?! The river! It's gone!

Hang on Bert!

Bert

To what?!

Bert and I got this for you.

Wow! A brand new pair of hiking boots!

It's the ultra deluxe model. Good for 100,000 miles!

Bert

Yeah, we figured these should last you a few weeks anyway!