Bert Raccoon quotes from The Raccoons

Melissa

Bert! Come on down! There's someone here to see you!

Bert

I'll be right there!

Bert

Uh... hi! You must be Bentley?

And you must be hurt.

Bert

(chuckles) That's er... Bert! How was your trip?

Fine. How was yours?

Melissa

Bentley, you're gonna be sharing Bert's room.

Mr. Bert, pleased to face your acquaintance.

Bert

Hey! Smart kid! Uh... (chuckles) He knows a foreign language! Uh, by the way, Bentley... Bentley?

Bert

Gee Bentley, I thought you had that ball for sure. Uh, you were right under it. Oh well, that's okay. Tomorrow, uh... we're gonna play football. Yeah, footballs are much easier to catch. And uh... after that, you can help me practice for the Forest Games!

Bert, enough! I'd prefer that tomorrow weren't like today.

Bert

Huh? What does that mean?

Today, I tried everything you wanted me to. (He takes the hot water bottle off his head, showing a large bump) And what have I got to show for it?

Melissa

Gee Bentley, Bert was just trying to show you how much fun games can be. He meant well.

He made me feel unwell. I just wanna sleep now. Okay?

Bert

Okay, okay. Good night Bentley.

Melissa

Good night.

Bert

Hey Melissa, what am I doing wrong? What have I got to do to get through to that kid?

(livid) Bert, you've ruined it!

Bert

Well... it's only a matter of taste, Ralph.

I can categorically state that these are the best peanut butter sandwiches I've ever had!

Bert

Aw, it's just a talent!

Bert's certainly gone a bit overboard on the story about Sir Malcolm. It reads like one of his books; good story, but very few facts.

What do you mean Ralph?

Well, I've tried supporting evidence for some of Sir Malcolm's claims, but there's just no proof.

And some of the places he talks about aren't even on the map.

Bert

Of course they're not on the maps! They're lost cities Cedric!

What's so thrilling about tearing up the countryside and making a lot of noise?

Bert

Thrilling? Thrilling?! Huh! What's so thrilling about sitting in a boat all day and whacking mosquitoes?

Bert

Bix is cool, and he thinks I'm cool too, and that's cool!

What's this, the polar bear club?

Melissa

Cedric was looking for you today.

Bert

He was?

Mm-hmm! And it looked like he just lost his best friend.

Bert

Gee you're right, I have been ignoring Cedric. I'm gonna find him right now! Thanks Melissa! See ya Ralph!

Bert

You haven't seen Cyril Sneer's limo? It makes the Chrysler Building look like a pickup truck! It's got triple overhead cams and chrome wheel drive, and sidepipes a mile long, and...

Well my old man's GX250 V12 ZXL has superturbo overdrive!

Bert

Well Mr Sneer's limo has double super turbo over overdrive, plus two videogames and hot and cold running water!

Bert

It's kind of late, and the Sneers' house is right over there!

Rule eight - it's never late!

Bert

OH NO! We've got to put it out!

Put it out? Let's get out!

Bert

Where's the fire alarm?

Are you crazy? Come on!

Bert

You're... you're gonna run?!?

Hey, thanks guys.

Bert

It's my buddy you should be thanking, I just...

It was teamwork Bert!

Bert

Thanks Cedric. Hey, where did you learn that trick about going under the smoke?

Well, from being around pop! And his cigars!

Bert

You know Cedric, there's nothing better than sitting in a boat with a fishing line, and a friend.

You know Bert, I'm glad you're here!

Bert

Rule ten - start again!

Bert

I gotta hand it to you Melissa. You sure know how to pack a picnic basket.

Melissa

And you sure know how to empty one!

I have a theory that the creature is from the later Jurassic period.

Bert

That late huh?