Bert Raccoon quotes from The Raccoons

Bert

(Reading from a book) "Dating made easy in 500 easy lessons". That doesn't sound easy to me!

I'm not supposed to have visitors!

Bert

We're not visitors. We're liberators!

What Melissa wants to talk about Bert is…our private time.

Bert

Our private time? But Ralph, I love our private time! Why I even love our private time when Melissa is with us too!

Did you bring me anything special Sophia?

Oh yes, Cedric!

Bert

Great! what is it? Peanut Butter?

Melissa

Even better, Bert!

Chocolate Pudding?

No, something you boys would really enjoy...Beans!

Beans?

Hey Melissa, let's try that secret handshake again!

I've got a better idea, let's all try it together!

This could be the end of the forest as we know it!

Melissa

This could be the end of our way of life!

Bert

Hey! This could be the beginning of a brand new career!

Good night Bert, Goodnight Cedric.

Goodnight.

Bert

Goodnight.

WAIT!

Bert

What is it?

I can't fall asleep, until I here my lullaby!

I don't think we know your lullaby.

Melissa

Why don't you sing it for us, and maybe we'll learn it for tomorrow night?

It's not the same unless Pop is singing it.

Bert

Adventure is my middle name!

Mine's Sydney!

Oh no! Removing the treasure's setting off the traps! I thought you said they wouldn't work!

Bert

I guess I can't be right all the time...

Bert

Say, this slide is kind of fun!

Tell it to the alligators at the bottom!

Melissa

It's my prints!

Bert

Tell him if the glass slipper's too big, he can borrow my hockey socks!

(About the Standard) Cut the banter, bandit face! Who's responsible for this?!

I am!

Melissa

I am!

Bert

Uh-uh-uh, they are!

Bert

What did I tell you? See, see? I bet that guy has a submachine gun!

That's a violin case Bert.

Bert

But they always put machine guns in violin cases! Everyone knows that!

I want to hear a real story! Give me King Midas. I want to hear about Midas and his wonderful golden touch!

Bert

Once upon a time there was king with a golden touch.

Ooh, I like that. My kind of man!

Bert

Everything he touched turned to gold.

Good, good!

Bert

His cities were gold, his streets were gold.

Marvelous! Marvelous!

Bert

In fact, his whole kingdom was paved with gold. He even paved the forest with gold. What do you think of that?

Oh that's nothing! We're going to do that tomorrow - with cement!

Bert

Now I'll be Sir Bert! Defender of the feeble, champion of the weak and employee of the month! The shining knight of the Evergreen Forest!

Make that blazing idiot, bandit face!

Nobody can make gold! It's impossible!

Bert

The impossible is what I specialise in!