ThurgoodGood mornin', boys. Y'all enjoyin' yo' Martin Luther King Day?
It's Martin Luther King Day?
I thought it was Rodney King Day.
Thurgood
What the hell-- Rodney King Day?! Rodney King don't deserve no damn holiday! He's nothin' like Dr. King. Dr. King wanted freedom, but he was hassled by the police, roughed up and put in jail.
You mean like Rodney King?
Thurgood
No, not like Rodney King! Don't you know that Dr. King was so revered, that people rioted because of him?
Thurgood
No, not like Rodney King! Dr. King marched in the face of oppression! He wouldn't let the white man keep him down!
Thurgood
Hey, stop yo' foolin'.
Thurgood
Now let's hear from those who have achieved their dreams. [someone coughs] What, am I the only one?
Well, I used to sort of have a little dream. I thought it would be fun to be a hairdresser.
Hairdresser, nothin'! You used to say you wanted to have a beauty parlor, just like the one our mama went to!
Bebe, I think I can tell this.
Oh, I'm sorry, girl. Go ahead on. Go ahead.
Not just Mama! We liked goin' there, too! 'Cause it was a place where all the women would gather and tell stories and gossip! Of course, now, Mama was the worst! She'd talk and talk and talk, and nobody could get a word in edgewise. Ha. Remember that?
She was all the way live. Come to think of it, havin' a beauty parlor was my dream, too.
DVDeke "The Physique" Van Owen
And I say, "I thought you were 'thank the monkey!'"
[Deke, Bebe and Jimmy laugh]
It's a mistake anyone could have made, Senator Van Owen.
Thurgood
Senator Van Owen? That's a pretty sissy name for a wrestler.
It's not a wrestling name. He actually is the senator of our state.
Hey, tell us about when you were a navy seal. Did you ever kill anyone?
DDeke
Well, Calvin, unfortunately, killing is a necessary part of war.
Thurgood
[scoffs] Big deal. I killed plenty of seals when I was in the navy, and that wasn't even my job!
DDeke
Mr. Stubbs, I get the feeling you're upset with me about something.
Thurgood
Oh, like you don't know. Well, maybe this will refresh yo' memory. [pulls off the table cloth]
DDeke
You were the drunk that ruined my wedding!
Thurgood
No, I was the Conquerin' Conquistador.
[Thurgood is filling out his monthly superintendent evaluation]
Hi, Goodie. Whatcha doin'?
Thurgood
Yeah, I'm fillin' out my evaluation of myself. Good news, Muriel. I'm strong leadership material.
This is supposed to be filled out by your supervisor, Mr. Saunders.
Thurgood
Yes, and if he was sober, I'm sure he'd give me the same high marks, God bless his big, puffy gin-blossom nose.
[on Jimmy's application as Thurgood's new supervisor] It was the most organized and professional application we ever received. It made the choice easy.
Thurgood
You hear that, Jimmy? You got it! You're my new boss! Congratulations! Raise the roof! Raise the roof!
Not him. We hired the person who filled out the application.
Hi, Thurgood! Guess what? I'm your new boss!
JTJimmy/Thurgood/Sanchez/Walter
What?!
[deciding names for Calvin and Juicy ahead of their audition]
Thurgood
Calvin, you're No Daddy Kane, and Juicy?
I want to be Notorious BLT.
Thurgood
No. You gonna be Dangerous EKG.
We're thinkin' about M.C. Chunk and Super Smooth.
'Cause our rhymes stick to you like peanut butter.
[Juicy high-fives Calvin and they giggle]
Thurgood
Fine. Choose your own name. [to himself] I oughta call you the Biatch Boys.
Our school is tryin' to start a library. Any books that you could donate would be greatly appreciated.
I don't understand. Why don't you all use the public library?
They closed it. We heard they're gonna tear it down.
Thurgood
What?! They closed the library?! Now, see, that just ain't right. Where the hell are all the homeless people supposed to take their naps? Somethin' oughta be done.
I'll tell you why they closed that library. There's nothin' scarier to a man than a brother with a book.
Thurgood
Yeah, that's deep. Where you hear that?
Rerun said it on What's Happening!!.
Thurgood, you're related to somebody very, very famous!
Thurgood
Oh my God. Oh my goodness, really, who is it? Who is it? Who is it?! Let-- no, let me guess. I wanna guess. Somebody famous, someone famous. Who could that be? Uhm... Famous Amos!
Lemme give you a hint: it's someone who lived in the 18th century.
Thurgood
Look, is it or is it not Famous Amos?
Thurgood
Okay, well, you didn't say that?!
[persuading Thurgood not to burn the stolen toilet paper] Don't fight it, Thurgood. It'll be much easier if you just join us.
The lady's smart, Thurgood. Now, you be smart, too. Just give us the white and nobody gets hurt but you.
Thurgood
Just look at you! Look at all of you! You're pathetic! You should be ashamed, because you was this close to takin' the life of a fellow man! Not for honor, not for freedom, not even for sneakers! You was gonna commit murder for THIS! [holds up roll of toilet paper]
He's got our toilet paper! Kill him!
[Thurgood enters his bedroom only for lights outside to suddenly turn on]
What is that? What's going on?
Thurgood
There's only one logical explanation: the mothership has landed, just like Bootsy predicted!
I'm sure it's not aliens; it's probably just the police. Goodie, come back to bed.
Thurgood
Look, I'll be back in a few minutes, but now, it is my celestial duty to spread my funk throughout the universe.
Thurgood, why do you insist on pushin' me into that place I really don't want to go? It's such a dark, cold place.
Thurgood
Me pushin' you?! You're the one that's been ridin' me all week!
That's because, unlike you, I pride myself on my job.
Thurgood
Ha! That's a laugh! You're the most corrupt probation officer in the city.
Corrupt? How can you say that?
Thurgood
Oh, come now, don't you play Mr. Clean around me. You have railroaded more people than Amtrak. Now, all of a sudden, when it comes to me, you want to find your conscience. Well, where was it, Walter? Stuffed in your trunk with a garbage bag wrapped around its head?
Okay, Thurgood. It's true. You know, when I was a cop, I saw that the justice system didn't always work. Sometimes it needed a little help from me. But when I voluntarily accepted forced retirement, I went over to the penal system, where things do work. So I ain't into clearing the losers off the streets no more. Now I make productive people, [poking Thurgood] one loser at a time.
Thurgood
Why, you big, fat, four-eyes, self-righteous bag of wind fat boy! I violated my parole. Yeah, I violated my parole, Walter! So what?! I violated! Big deal! I violated! What you gonna do, ground me?
[cut to Walter strapping a detector around Thurgood's leg]
Thurgood
Calvin! Juicy! What the hell are you doin' in this old car?
Thurgood
Don't you know better than to go playin' in someone else's property?
But Super, it's abandoned.
Thurgood
Well, just because you find somethin' abandoned, doesn't mean it's yours! Hell, if that was the case, I'd have eleven kids by now.
The PJs · 73 quotes
