Thurgood quotes from The PJs

Muriel

Thurgood, you've been out all night!

Thurgood

Well, we had to wait for Juicy to sober up so he could drive us home.

Muriel

Thurgood!

Thurgood

I know, I know. We stayed out too late, but he'd never seen an R-rated movie, so we took him to the late show of American Booty.

Calvin

You mean to tell me he saw bare boobies while I'm washin' out Super's racin' stripes?!

HUD Lady

Party supplies? Hmm. Let me consult the manual. Let's see: supplies, comma, party. Ah! Here it is: NEXT!

Thurgood

Hey, hey, come on, it'll be a safe party. No one's gonna get hurt. We just fire our guns straight up in the air, the bullets disappear into space.

HUD Lady

Fine! Then throw your own party! The only thing HUD's required to give you for New Year's 2000 is this. [gives him a survival kit]

Thurgood

Millennium safety kit? Ooh, it's endorsed by Gloria Gaynor.

HUD Lady

See you NEXT year.

Remember back when you were young, good-lookin', and got all the hottest ladies?

Thurgood

Well, I remember being young, but I'm a little hazy about the ladies.

Come on, now, think back. You remember.

Thurgood

Oh, yeah, y-y-yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's right! I remember now! I hit all the parties, I drove a fast car, and for a while, I solved crimes in Miami with a white guy.

That's the Thurgood I'm talkin' 'bout. And you can have it all again by havin' just one minty fresh Koolio cigarette.

Thurgood

Really?

Damn straight. Sanchez left a pack by my left claw. Now go ahead and puff, daddy.

Thurgood

Are you bakin' my favorite cake?

Muriel

Well, Thurgood, it is my birthday.

Thurgood

Boy, you only know one tune. "My birthday. My side of the bed. My underwear!"

Thurgood

Now, when a man plunges his toilet, he has the right to expect that he's the only man plungin' that toilet. And what, I ask, could be lower, than plungin' another man's toilet? One of you has the hots for Muriel and is sendin' her flowers.

Walter

So let me get this straight: you're comparin' yo' wife to a toilet?

Thurgood

Sanchez. It was you, wasn't it?

Sanchez

Actually, I've never been attracted to women-- [his electrolarynx runs out of batteries; shakes it]

Thurgood

Well, I suppose that comes as news to no one.

Sanchez

Y-y-you didn't let me finish! Women who are married to my friends!

Sanchez

I'm afraid to go any further! There could be gangsters!

Jimmy

And hoodlums!

Walter

And thugs.

Thurgood

So what?

Gangsters and hoodlums and thugs, so what? Gangsters and hoodlums and thugs, so what?

Thurgood

Now, there comes a point in every little boy's life when he thinks it might be fun to wear a dress, dance around, and ask people to call him "Shirley" instead of "Thurgood". [realizes what he said] And there's nothin' wrong with that.

Calvin

Yes, there is! Sounds like a punk to me.

Juicy

Don't talk to Shirley like that.

Thurgood

Now think about what you're trying to represent. A life of bleak prospects and hopelessness.

Da mack on crack is sho'nuff wack.

Thurgood

What was that?

Da mack on crack is sho'nuff wack.

Juicy

I think she's got it.

Thurgood

By Chicken George, I think she's got it!

Da mack on crack is sho'nuff wack, yo!

Calvin

I believe she's rollin'!

Juicy

I do believe she's rollin'.

Thurgood

Now, once again, what is that mack?

On crack! On crack!

Thurgood

And the effect of that punk-ass crack?

It's wack! It's wack!

Da mack on crack is sho'nuff wack! Yo!

Thurgood

[about to fall in an elevator shaft] That shaft looks like a bad mother--

Mrs. Avery

Shut yo' mouth!

We've called you fine people here to offer you the adventure of a lifetime!

Juicy

Ooh! We gonna go clubbin' with Puffy?

Not quite. You're gonna live outdoors without the luxuries of your homes for 40 days!

Thurgood

40 days? That's almost... [counts the numbers] 50 days!

Thurgood

[setting up the poster for the 8th Annual HUD Ball] HUD's balls really swing, though last year's ball got pretty hairy. What with the heat wave, that was one sweaty ball. [chuckles] I'm funny when I'm alone. [looks at the poster] "Can you beat our reigning king and queen of the dance contest?" [looks at the image of Jimmy and Bebe] Hmm. Look at 'em. King Loser the XIV and Queen Laqueefa.

Jimmy

[clears throat] Big talk comin' from a guy who won't even enter. You're the king of excuses.

Bebe

Thurgood'll say anythang to get outta that contest. What was it last year, baby? He ate a hamburger and got Sheila E. coli.

Thurgood

Thumb sprain! And stuck on BTV. I pray it's not the Amen marathon.

It's kung-fu action like you've never seen before. See two sexy foxes and their all-girl kung-fu fighting army. It's non-stop bone-crushing destruction. Black Mama, White Mama.

Thurgood

Oh yeah! Please say "Comin' up next."

Coming up next...

Thurgood

Yahtzee!

...Mugged on BTV Extra Smooth.

Thurgood

BTV Extra Smooth? Do I get that channel?

BTV Extra Smooth is available only through Deep Dish TV satellite systems.

Thurgood

Where do I get one of those?

Deep Dish TV on sale now at the Hood Guys for only $249.95.

Thurgood

[turns off the TV] I gotta raise some money. I'd have a garage sale, but I don't have a garage. I'd have a yard sale, but I don't have a yard. [scratches himself furiously] But I got everything a need for a flea market.

Walter

Are you actually tryin' to sell your mail?

Thurgood

Where some men see a stack of phone bills, I see a classy set of coasters.

Walter

You know, it says here you've been pre-approved for the African-American Express credit card.

Thurgood

Credit card? Me? Ain't no one in the projects with plastic. Except for Muriel and her vibrating therapeutic back massager.

Calvin

[narrating] Sometimes, there's so much beauty in the projects, my heart could burst. [picks up a floating paper bag]

Thurgood

See, boys? Nothin' gives you a greater sense of pride than cleanin' up the neighborhood.

Juicy

But Super, didn't the judge order you to do this community service?

Thurgood

Look, we could argue all day about who was and who wasn't arrested for public urination, but I'll be the bigger man and do my community service. [picks up a small wad of paper] There, the courtyard is clean. Was that so hard? [a piece of paper hits him] What the Funky Phantom?

Thurgood

So you're not black. So what? Nothin's really changed.

Jimmy

Everything's changed. I thought I knew who I was. Ever since I was nine, I built up a whole image of my father. A strong, powerful soldier, like the black G.I. Joe. You know, the one that looks like the brother on 60 Minutes.

Thurgood

Well, now you got a new image. A strong, powerful Korean, and he's still got kung-fu grip.

Jimmy

Don't you get it?! I don't want to be Korean! They kicked my mother out in disgrace.