Joker quotes from The New Batman Adventures

Joker

Look at all the toys! Santa's been good to you, Lex.

Joker

Batman. It's always Batman!

Joker

My, you do live dangerously. Don't you realize you're moving in on Superman's main squeeze?

Joker

Caesar Carlini, my old pal! Why I haven't seen you since... wait, I've never seen you, have I? You need to get out more.

Joker

[to Batgirl] Yikes, what does Guano-man do? Send you all to Sidekicks' Pun School? You're even more irritating than the boy.

Joker

[checking a map] Let me see... let me see... This can't be Pismo Beach. No sand. I knew I should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque.

Joker

Hey folks! Joker here with the Kids' WB! Guide to Villainy. Today's lesson: hand gestures. Here we see the 'Come and get me' finger curl that no superhero can resist.

Joker

Nice form, Harls!

Joker

Quick! More bullets!

Harley Quinn

Sorry, puddin', that was our last clip. You know how expensive they are.

Batgirl

Sounds like someone turned off your cash flow.

Joker

If it's a flow you want, I'm happy to oblige.

Joker

Well, that was a complete fiasco. If we weren't so strapped for cash, I'd never have touched this job. (to Harley Quinn) Gimme the loot.

Harley Quinn

Don't you have it?

Joker

ME? You were the last one to... (The car quietly breaks down and stops as the headlights go out) I thought I told you to get gas!

Harley Quinn

We're broke, remember? What was I supposed to do, fill the tank, shoot the guy and drive off?

Joker

Mmm-hmm.

Harley Quinn

Now you tell me.

Joker

Oops, time to eject.

Harley Quinn

Hey, where's mine?

Joker

Sorry, kiddo! I could only afford one!

Harley

You cheap, penny-pinching, pasty-faced creep! I'll get you for this, ya lousy tightwad!

A letter came for you today, Mister... Joker. By the way, you're two weeks late with your rent.

Joker

Sue me. Alas. The bitter jest of fate. The once-mighty Joker without two nickels to rub together.(To the hyenas) Yeah, yeah, you're hungry, I'm hungry. Do me a favor and eat each other, will you? (Starts reading a letter) 'Dear sir, we regret to inform you of the passing of Mister Edward aka 'King' Barlowe...' Ooh, there's good news. I hated him. '...who, in accordance with his last wishes, has bequeathed to you the total...' Two-hundred and fifty million dollars? WOOHOO!!! WOOHOO!!! WOO!!! Good ol' King Barlowe! I take back almost all the nasty things I ever said about him. (To the hyenas) Bud! Lou! Our ship has come in, boys! We're gonna spend, spend, spend! And I know just what we'll buy first.

Penguin

What's the scheme this time, Joker?

The Joker

No scheme at all, old bird. I'm free, I'm rich and I'm lovin' i. I'm sure old Batboy is eating his heart out. [laughs]

Penguin

Living well is the best revenge.

The Joker

Well done, kiddies.

Nightwing

We were trying to save innocent lives. You're just an unpleasant bonus.

The Joker

Be that as it may, your grateful Uncle Joker wants to thank you. Here, stick this in your piggy banks. (Hands each of them a banknote. They crumple and drop them, then walk away.]

The Joker

[laughs] Let the good times roll.

Ernie

$137 million?!

The Joker

Yes! And if I don't pay up, I'll go to jail for tax evasion! I'm crazy enough to take on Batman, but the IRS?! No thank you!

Hey, Mr. G? This money looks weird.

The Joker

What do you mean? (Picks up a roll of banknotes) It's a plain ol' pack of hundreds. See? There's Ben Franklin's chubby little...What? King Barlowe?! He's on this stack! And this one!

He's on every one of these thousands.

The Joker

I don't understand.

Ernie

Hey, boss. I found this. (holding a video tape)

The Joker

If I don't pay my taxes I'll go to jail, but if I admit Barlowe duped me I look like a fool.

Ernie

Maybe you can raise the money by pulling one of your classic routines, like them laughing fish?

The Joker

Good idea, Ernie. Let's let Batman know I did it SO HE CAN KICK MY KEISTER RIGHT BACK INTO ARKHAM!!! Dope. Fake Harley, any ideas?

Anything you say, Mr. G. (laugh)

Ernie

No, boss!

The Joker

(Sighs) Who'd ever think I'd miss the real one?

The Joker

No laughing gas, no grins. No way Batboy could trace this back to me. (he and his henchmen get rocked by the boat) Hey, keep the boat in the water!

This wasn't in the job description.